Compromising as an art form.
Daily, there are news stories of the angry divineness in this and many other countries. It seems each many of us cannot wait to demonize the group or groups which are not us. It should be oblivious that demonizing those with whom one disagrees is going to result in more anger, fear and wall building.
We know that none of us responds well to anger and negative judgements. What makes us think that others will? Indiaviduals such a Van Jones on the podcast he hosts, “Uncommon Ground” are doing their best to help us change this process without needing to change core values. In fact, Van Jones and his guests are attempting to remind listeners that the core values of various groups have more in common than differences. What are those core values? Sadly, many of us may have a difficult time articulating our core values thus making it impossible to compare with “the others”.
Recently I sat with a parents of 4 daughters at a fund raiser for the national group PFLAG – Parents and Friends of lesbians and Gays (now inclusive of bisexual and transgender individuals as well as all those nonbinary individuals). Their young daughters and many other children were present for this fundraiser and having a grand time interacting with drag queens. As I chatted with these parents and others, some of their core values were revealed. They included:
o Making sure there was a safe place for all family members to be themselves - to be their very personal best - to laugh, dance and refuel.
o Being able to provide basics and perhaps some luxuries for their families - food, clothing, safe housing, education.
o Job security at a job which is consistent with their core values - both Mom and dad work for the Veterans Administration which they noted provids job security, decent health insurance, retirement benefits, paid time off and the opportunity to walk with veterans in their healing journey.
o Being part of a community - having emotional support . As one would say often in the military - knowing others have your back.
o Knowing one’s children of their children will have a safe place to live and blossom.
I have lived in Alaska villages, West Virginia, Washington, D. C., Princeton, New Jersey, Evansville, Indiana, the farmlands and cities of Oklahoma , small communities in Florida and visited many other places in the world. No matter where I went and to whom I talked if I listened carefully and observed the walk of those to whom I talked, core values were basically the same. The beliefs of what it takes to ensure one can live out these core values varies but the values do not.
One may ask, what could “us” have in common with those members of such organizarions as Patriot Front described in an Associated Press article of June 11, 2022, as a “neo-Nazi group whose members perceive Black Americans, Jews, and LGBTQ people as enemies? Member of this group were arrested near a pride event in a small community in Idaho on June 11 dressed in riot gear. Apparently, they do not have a history of violence and may claim free speech rights.
How about the members of the Proud Boys some of whom were involved in the violent attempt to take over the United States Capital Building to ensure that election results could not be ratified?
Surely “we” have nothing in common with those self-identified Christian ministers who are advocating that all LGBTQ individuals be lined up and shot in the head or those Russians supporting President Putin’s violent takeover of Ukraine.
My experience is that if we are willing to listen often many of the core values and goals of “us and them may be the same.
Even members of the Proud Boys, Patriot Front, ministers or other clerics who call for the death of feminists, LGBTQ individuals and others share the five essential core values I have listed above. This is common ground. What may not be common ground is the road map.
My experience in working with adult males with a history of violence is that when I focused on the fear underlying the anger and violence, we connected as equals. We both knew what fear felt like. What I am fearful of may or may not be the same as the person who has been physically violent.
Once one establishes some common ground with someone, there is the possibility of some other areas of common ground. From that base one might be able to begin to explore how each arrived at their personal road map for making their core values manifest reality.
For years I was a member of a racial justice committee at a YWCA. One of first and ongoing tasks was to be able to write about how and when we had learned to be racist. My first memory of learning about racism was at age 2 or 3, My first memory of using racism to take the focus off of my misbehavior was at age 5. Similarly, I can articulate when and how I learned how to have disdain for my own sexual orientation. I can trace the origin of many of the beliefs or myths I learned to teachers, classmates, parents, and “fake news”.
For many years some Palestinians and Jews have been together sharing their belief that peaceful co-existence is both possible and necessary. We too can and must take the leap of faith that we all have common ground. I do not believe that there are “others” but only those I refuse to “see” and “hear”. Perhaps this is the starting point for all of us to practice the art of compromise.
Written June 15, 2022
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
Daily, there are news stories of the angry divineness in this and many other countries. It seems each many of us cannot wait to demonize the group or groups which are not us. It should be oblivious that demonizing those with whom one disagrees is going to result in more anger, fear and wall building.
We know that none of us responds well to anger and negative judgements. What makes us think that others will? Indiaviduals such a Van Jones on the podcast he hosts, “Uncommon Ground” are doing their best to help us change this process without needing to change core values. In fact, Van Jones and his guests are attempting to remind listeners that the core values of various groups have more in common than differences. What are those core values? Sadly, many of us may have a difficult time articulating our core values thus making it impossible to compare with “the others”.
Recently I sat with a parents of 4 daughters at a fund raiser for the national group PFLAG – Parents and Friends of lesbians and Gays (now inclusive of bisexual and transgender individuals as well as all those nonbinary individuals). Their young daughters and many other children were present for this fundraiser and having a grand time interacting with drag queens. As I chatted with these parents and others, some of their core values were revealed. They included:
o Making sure there was a safe place for all family members to be themselves - to be their very personal best - to laugh, dance and refuel.
o Being able to provide basics and perhaps some luxuries for their families - food, clothing, safe housing, education.
o Job security at a job which is consistent with their core values - both Mom and dad work for the Veterans Administration which they noted provids job security, decent health insurance, retirement benefits, paid time off and the opportunity to walk with veterans in their healing journey.
o Being part of a community - having emotional support . As one would say often in the military - knowing others have your back.
o Knowing one’s children of their children will have a safe place to live and blossom.
I have lived in Alaska villages, West Virginia, Washington, D. C., Princeton, New Jersey, Evansville, Indiana, the farmlands and cities of Oklahoma , small communities in Florida and visited many other places in the world. No matter where I went and to whom I talked if I listened carefully and observed the walk of those to whom I talked, core values were basically the same. The beliefs of what it takes to ensure one can live out these core values varies but the values do not.
One may ask, what could “us” have in common with those members of such organizarions as Patriot Front described in an Associated Press article of June 11, 2022, as a “neo-Nazi group whose members perceive Black Americans, Jews, and LGBTQ people as enemies? Member of this group were arrested near a pride event in a small community in Idaho on June 11 dressed in riot gear. Apparently, they do not have a history of violence and may claim free speech rights.
How about the members of the Proud Boys some of whom were involved in the violent attempt to take over the United States Capital Building to ensure that election results could not be ratified?
Surely “we” have nothing in common with those self-identified Christian ministers who are advocating that all LGBTQ individuals be lined up and shot in the head or those Russians supporting President Putin’s violent takeover of Ukraine.
My experience is that if we are willing to listen often many of the core values and goals of “us and them may be the same.
Even members of the Proud Boys, Patriot Front, ministers or other clerics who call for the death of feminists, LGBTQ individuals and others share the five essential core values I have listed above. This is common ground. What may not be common ground is the road map.
My experience in working with adult males with a history of violence is that when I focused on the fear underlying the anger and violence, we connected as equals. We both knew what fear felt like. What I am fearful of may or may not be the same as the person who has been physically violent.
Once one establishes some common ground with someone, there is the possibility of some other areas of common ground. From that base one might be able to begin to explore how each arrived at their personal road map for making their core values manifest reality.
For years I was a member of a racial justice committee at a YWCA. One of first and ongoing tasks was to be able to write about how and when we had learned to be racist. My first memory of learning about racism was at age 2 or 3, My first memory of using racism to take the focus off of my misbehavior was at age 5. Similarly, I can articulate when and how I learned how to have disdain for my own sexual orientation. I can trace the origin of many of the beliefs or myths I learned to teachers, classmates, parents, and “fake news”.
For many years some Palestinians and Jews have been together sharing their belief that peaceful co-existence is both possible and necessary. We too can and must take the leap of faith that we all have common ground. I do not believe that there are “others” but only those I refuse to “see” and “hear”. Perhaps this is the starting point for all of us to practice the art of compromise.
Written June 15, 2022
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
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