Control and domestic violence
I was thinking of the importance of relationships while listening to a report from the United Kingdom about a change in their domestic violence law. Persistent psychological abuse has now been added to the list of behaviors which legally define domestic violence and for which one can be arrested and charged. Specifically, controlling, coercive behavior is defined as abuse:
“The Home Office’s Statutory Guidance Framework on “controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship” includes:
• Isolating a person from their friends and family
• Controlling what they do, where they go, who they can see, what they wear and when they sleep
• Repeatedly putting them down, such as telling them they are worthless
• Enforcing rules and activity which humiliate, degrade or dehumanise the victim
• Financial abuse
Threats to reveal or publish private information”
Independent.co.uk
Those of us who have worked with domestic violence have long known that domestic abuse/violence is about control or the attempt to control relationships, access to resources such as money, the means of being financially independent, access to other ways of thinking via friends, books, etc., or access of any relationships which would remind one that one is worthwhile. The physical violence may be a more immediately dangerous method of control but the psychological abuse is just as damaging. It results in what Lenore Walker in one of the earliest scholarly works on domestic violence calls learned helplessness. If one is isolated and consistently told that they are worthless, unable to take care of themselves, and unlovable one will begin to believe it and will not be able to take steps to escape the abusive relationship.
The irony, of course, is that the person who is being abusive is, himself or herself, without self-esteem. They are fearful that they are unlovable and not worthwhile. They will do anything to make sure that their partner or spouse does not find out that they have other options. Their relationship with themselves is a very sad one. In some ways they define their worth by their ability to control which, as we know, creates distance and not closeness – dislike and not love.
The abusive behavior makes their fear a self-fulfilling prophecy. Someone who is abusive – physically and/or psychologically – is not easy to love. One might “know” or believe that there is a good person beneath that controlling, hard, mean shelf but it is so distant that one ends up not caring.
I applaud the fact that in some states in the United States and in the United Kingdom, psychological abuse is now recognized as either the precursor or the accompaniment to physical violence. I do not, however, think locking up and punishing the abuser is not likely to change his or her behavior. I understand and applaud the goals to (1) protect the person (and children if involved) being abused, (2) insure a safe place for the abused person and children if any are involved, (3) provide resources for the emotional, physical, and economic healing of the abused person. At the same time, the goal needs to be to provide the opportunity for the abuser to heal. Jail or prison is not the environment which is likely to facilitate that healing. If the abusive person is not able to use the healing resources, one might need to keep them in protective custody until, and if, they are able to make use of such resources. This is not punishment but is protective of both the abused and the abusive persons. The abusive person needs protecting from himself or herself – often from the lies that he or she tells themselves.
Whether the abuse is in the workplace, in a commercial or public place, or in the home, it is not going to result in better health for the abused or the abuser. If we humans continue to attempt to control others rather than facing our own fears, we are going to continue to create a world which is miserable and often dangerous for everyone. Acknowledging the damaging power of psychological abuse is an important step towards understanding and confronting domestic violence. Now, we need to take another step in recognizing the pain and fear which underlies the behavior of the abuser. For a number of years there have been some wonderful therapists and programs which provide an opportunity for the abuser to heal. Sadly, the judicial system can easily be used to punish and not provide opportunities to heal. Criminalizing a behavior can, if not careful, put the emphasis on punishment. While it may be a strong statement by the community which says “we know what is going on and it has to stop,” it can also be just another step in creating a criminal which will, in turn, create more problems long term,
Essentially I am again recommending that we reconsider our basic concept of justice. Too often, it is based on an outdated concept of an eye for an eye. This presupposes a good person or a victim and a bad person or a perpetrator. The abused person has “learned” that he or she needs to control in order to feel important or worthwhile. Rather than identifying and rejecting this lie, they act upon the basis of the truth(s) they have learned which in turn creates another victim who is likely to themselves abuse or raise children who abuse who … It is often a vicious cycle. If the thinking of the abusive person needs changing then why not focus on changing that thinking? Treating them badly is not likely to change their thinking. It is more likely to reinforce it.
Whether the abusive relationship involves individuals or families or communities or countries, the basic goal has been to punish. This may work short term but it never works long term.
I hope that as we begin a new year, we call allow for the possibility of a different parading in approaching violence.
Written December 30, 2015
I was thinking of the importance of relationships while listening to a report from the United Kingdom about a change in their domestic violence law. Persistent psychological abuse has now been added to the list of behaviors which legally define domestic violence and for which one can be arrested and charged. Specifically, controlling, coercive behavior is defined as abuse:
“The Home Office’s Statutory Guidance Framework on “controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship” includes:
• Isolating a person from their friends and family
• Controlling what they do, where they go, who they can see, what they wear and when they sleep
• Repeatedly putting them down, such as telling them they are worthless
• Enforcing rules and activity which humiliate, degrade or dehumanise the victim
• Financial abuse
Threats to reveal or publish private information”
Independent.co.uk
Those of us who have worked with domestic violence have long known that domestic abuse/violence is about control or the attempt to control relationships, access to resources such as money, the means of being financially independent, access to other ways of thinking via friends, books, etc., or access of any relationships which would remind one that one is worthwhile. The physical violence may be a more immediately dangerous method of control but the psychological abuse is just as damaging. It results in what Lenore Walker in one of the earliest scholarly works on domestic violence calls learned helplessness. If one is isolated and consistently told that they are worthless, unable to take care of themselves, and unlovable one will begin to believe it and will not be able to take steps to escape the abusive relationship.
The irony, of course, is that the person who is being abusive is, himself or herself, without self-esteem. They are fearful that they are unlovable and not worthwhile. They will do anything to make sure that their partner or spouse does not find out that they have other options. Their relationship with themselves is a very sad one. In some ways they define their worth by their ability to control which, as we know, creates distance and not closeness – dislike and not love.
The abusive behavior makes their fear a self-fulfilling prophecy. Someone who is abusive – physically and/or psychologically – is not easy to love. One might “know” or believe that there is a good person beneath that controlling, hard, mean shelf but it is so distant that one ends up not caring.
I applaud the fact that in some states in the United States and in the United Kingdom, psychological abuse is now recognized as either the precursor or the accompaniment to physical violence. I do not, however, think locking up and punishing the abuser is not likely to change his or her behavior. I understand and applaud the goals to (1) protect the person (and children if involved) being abused, (2) insure a safe place for the abused person and children if any are involved, (3) provide resources for the emotional, physical, and economic healing of the abused person. At the same time, the goal needs to be to provide the opportunity for the abuser to heal. Jail or prison is not the environment which is likely to facilitate that healing. If the abusive person is not able to use the healing resources, one might need to keep them in protective custody until, and if, they are able to make use of such resources. This is not punishment but is protective of both the abused and the abusive persons. The abusive person needs protecting from himself or herself – often from the lies that he or she tells themselves.
Whether the abuse is in the workplace, in a commercial or public place, or in the home, it is not going to result in better health for the abused or the abuser. If we humans continue to attempt to control others rather than facing our own fears, we are going to continue to create a world which is miserable and often dangerous for everyone. Acknowledging the damaging power of psychological abuse is an important step towards understanding and confronting domestic violence. Now, we need to take another step in recognizing the pain and fear which underlies the behavior of the abuser. For a number of years there have been some wonderful therapists and programs which provide an opportunity for the abuser to heal. Sadly, the judicial system can easily be used to punish and not provide opportunities to heal. Criminalizing a behavior can, if not careful, put the emphasis on punishment. While it may be a strong statement by the community which says “we know what is going on and it has to stop,” it can also be just another step in creating a criminal which will, in turn, create more problems long term,
Essentially I am again recommending that we reconsider our basic concept of justice. Too often, it is based on an outdated concept of an eye for an eye. This presupposes a good person or a victim and a bad person or a perpetrator. The abused person has “learned” that he or she needs to control in order to feel important or worthwhile. Rather than identifying and rejecting this lie, they act upon the basis of the truth(s) they have learned which in turn creates another victim who is likely to themselves abuse or raise children who abuse who … It is often a vicious cycle. If the thinking of the abusive person needs changing then why not focus on changing that thinking? Treating them badly is not likely to change their thinking. It is more likely to reinforce it.
Whether the abusive relationship involves individuals or families or communities or countries, the basic goal has been to punish. This may work short term but it never works long term.
I hope that as we begin a new year, we call allow for the possibility of a different parading in approaching violence.
Written December 30, 2015
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