Conversations with myself
More lessons in listening and empathy
It seems that a number of factors have “conspired” this year to join forces in order to insure that I have the opportunity to grow spirituality. I think one of the toughest tasks for me is one I have previously written about. That task is listening. It seems that I have to continually remind myself that listening is:
· An active and not a passive act.
· Requires the suspension of judgment about what the other person is saying.
· Requires that I forego the temptation to formulate a reply while the other person is talking.
One would think that as often as I write about this subject that I would have sharpened my listening skills by now. Often this does not seem to be the case. I am finding it especially difficult to practice what I sometimes, I am sure, suggest in a very glib manner as if it were the easiest task in the world. What makes it so difficult for me to perform this seemingly simple task? Some voice in my head tells me that it is important to point out to others the error of their thinking. Just this morning I was in the company of some people for whom I have a lot of affectionate respect. I was “shocked” to hear (not implying listening) them say how enthused they were about a particular presidential candidate. I was also shocked to hear that they so strongly believe that any “socialist” policies would be bad for this country.
Earlier I was again shocked to hear that the attorney general of the state in which I am now living is claiming to be concerned about the LGBT community when, just a few months ago, she was passionately fighting for marriage to continue to be limited to a man and a woman. I did not recall her ever saying one supportive thing about the negative affect of discrimination against members of the LGBT community.
I could continue to give examples of my spiritual challenge for many pages, but I will refrain from doing so The topic I am addressing is listening skills (or the lack thereof) and not opinions about political issues and candidates.
This morning while “hearing” the laudatory comments about a certain presidential candidate I was having the following conversation in my head:
US (Unhealthy self) “What is wrong with you? Do you not realize that……”
HS(Healthy self): “Oh. What makes you think that they are not worth listening to?”
US: “Well! It is obvious that they do not understand all the facts. No thinking person could possibly think that way.
HS: Well, aren’t you just a bit self-righteous? How do you ever expect to learn anything if you refuse to listen?
US: They are acting as if they know “the truth.”
HS: Really! What are you doing? Apparently you think that you know “the truth.” Please tell me how that is different than what they are doing.
US: It is very different. They simply do not realize the long-term consequence of what they are saying and why their opinions would be bad for them and their families long term. Just like many others, they are just looking at issues from the safe bubble in which they live.
HS: Do you hear yourself? You are so tiresome. I thought your goal was to practice listening without judging and without thinking of your retort before you even “hear” the other person(s). Oops. Now I am judging part of myself!
US: It is my goal to practice listening, but I can hardly let these dangerous opinions go unchallenged.
HS: Perhaps you could focus on breathing instead of all this chatter.
US: When I stop to breathe and not focus on how wrong they are, I started thinking of the hypocrisy of that attorney general of the state which will remain nameless.
US: Nameless? I live in the same head as you. I know what state you are talking about.
HS: I know.
US: Oh! Now you are not talking but you have “that look.” That will show them how much you disapprove of their attempt at thinking!
HS: Okay! Okay! I get it. You are right. My goal is to be lovingly present and try to hear their reasoning and not judge. I really like and respect these people. My attitude is just creating more distance. I need to be open to focusing on what we have in common and the possibility that none of us have “the truth.”
I am not sure if others often have this sort of conversation in their head, but I seem to have it often. I talk about, read about, write about and pray about being more empathic. Yet, I continue to catch myself ready to “prove” others wrong which is not empathic and does not create conditions for working together as a community.
I really appreciate the blessing of being able to notice this conversation in my head. There was a time when the unhealthy part of my brain could just react in a very self-righteous and judgmental manner. Just noticing what I am doing is, for me, progress. Others may be much further along in this practice of listening than I am. That is wonderful. I am where I am. For today I will practice being more open to listening to the internal conversations in my head. I will also remind myself:
· I have much to learn from everyone.
· I cannot control or change others.
· I can model being present in a loving way and listening to what others say or do not say. For example, I trust that those who were talking this morning want a loving, safe place to raise their children and grandchildren. I trust that they are very spiritual people who want to keep growing. We want a lot of the same things. We may disagree about how to move from A to E, but we all want to get to E.
I can focus on my goal of being present in a more empathic way rather than attempting to prove I am right and they are wrong. For today, that is enough.
Written June 15, 2016
More lessons in listening and empathy
It seems that a number of factors have “conspired” this year to join forces in order to insure that I have the opportunity to grow spirituality. I think one of the toughest tasks for me is one I have previously written about. That task is listening. It seems that I have to continually remind myself that listening is:
· An active and not a passive act.
· Requires the suspension of judgment about what the other person is saying.
· Requires that I forego the temptation to formulate a reply while the other person is talking.
One would think that as often as I write about this subject that I would have sharpened my listening skills by now. Often this does not seem to be the case. I am finding it especially difficult to practice what I sometimes, I am sure, suggest in a very glib manner as if it were the easiest task in the world. What makes it so difficult for me to perform this seemingly simple task? Some voice in my head tells me that it is important to point out to others the error of their thinking. Just this morning I was in the company of some people for whom I have a lot of affectionate respect. I was “shocked” to hear (not implying listening) them say how enthused they were about a particular presidential candidate. I was also shocked to hear that they so strongly believe that any “socialist” policies would be bad for this country.
Earlier I was again shocked to hear that the attorney general of the state in which I am now living is claiming to be concerned about the LGBT community when, just a few months ago, she was passionately fighting for marriage to continue to be limited to a man and a woman. I did not recall her ever saying one supportive thing about the negative affect of discrimination against members of the LGBT community.
I could continue to give examples of my spiritual challenge for many pages, but I will refrain from doing so The topic I am addressing is listening skills (or the lack thereof) and not opinions about political issues and candidates.
This morning while “hearing” the laudatory comments about a certain presidential candidate I was having the following conversation in my head:
US (Unhealthy self) “What is wrong with you? Do you not realize that……”
HS(Healthy self): “Oh. What makes you think that they are not worth listening to?”
US: “Well! It is obvious that they do not understand all the facts. No thinking person could possibly think that way.
HS: Well, aren’t you just a bit self-righteous? How do you ever expect to learn anything if you refuse to listen?
US: They are acting as if they know “the truth.”
HS: Really! What are you doing? Apparently you think that you know “the truth.” Please tell me how that is different than what they are doing.
US: It is very different. They simply do not realize the long-term consequence of what they are saying and why their opinions would be bad for them and their families long term. Just like many others, they are just looking at issues from the safe bubble in which they live.
HS: Do you hear yourself? You are so tiresome. I thought your goal was to practice listening without judging and without thinking of your retort before you even “hear” the other person(s). Oops. Now I am judging part of myself!
US: It is my goal to practice listening, but I can hardly let these dangerous opinions go unchallenged.
HS: Perhaps you could focus on breathing instead of all this chatter.
US: When I stop to breathe and not focus on how wrong they are, I started thinking of the hypocrisy of that attorney general of the state which will remain nameless.
US: Nameless? I live in the same head as you. I know what state you are talking about.
HS: I know.
US: Oh! Now you are not talking but you have “that look.” That will show them how much you disapprove of their attempt at thinking!
HS: Okay! Okay! I get it. You are right. My goal is to be lovingly present and try to hear their reasoning and not judge. I really like and respect these people. My attitude is just creating more distance. I need to be open to focusing on what we have in common and the possibility that none of us have “the truth.”
I am not sure if others often have this sort of conversation in their head, but I seem to have it often. I talk about, read about, write about and pray about being more empathic. Yet, I continue to catch myself ready to “prove” others wrong which is not empathic and does not create conditions for working together as a community.
I really appreciate the blessing of being able to notice this conversation in my head. There was a time when the unhealthy part of my brain could just react in a very self-righteous and judgmental manner. Just noticing what I am doing is, for me, progress. Others may be much further along in this practice of listening than I am. That is wonderful. I am where I am. For today I will practice being more open to listening to the internal conversations in my head. I will also remind myself:
· I have much to learn from everyone.
· I cannot control or change others.
· I can model being present in a loving way and listening to what others say or do not say. For example, I trust that those who were talking this morning want a loving, safe place to raise their children and grandchildren. I trust that they are very spiritual people who want to keep growing. We want a lot of the same things. We may disagree about how to move from A to E, but we all want to get to E.
I can focus on my goal of being present in a more empathic way rather than attempting to prove I am right and they are wrong. For today, that is enough.
Written June 15, 2016
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