Decision making revisited
It seems for all ages of folks I know decision making is often a difficult process. Many factors seem to influence the level of difficulty which one might encounter. These include:
· Fear of making the wrong decision because others will be adversely affected.
· Fear of making the wrong decision because of financial consequence.
· Fear of being judged by others – family, friends, colleagues, community.
· Fear of how one might feel long term about the results of this decision.
· Fear that one is making a decision based too much on emotions.
Of course, we all make dozens of decisions on a daily basis about relatively minor matters. We decide what tasks to do at work or in our personal lives, what to eat and drink, whether or not to exercise, and what to wear. If we are a parent, we also make many decisions for our children or related to the future of our children. As they grow the issues change, but we are always aware of our role and consequent responsibility. If we are divorced or widowed we know that who we date, when we expose our children to that person and the potential role of that person with our children is extremely important. Springing a new partner/spouse on our children can result in a lot of anger and acting out. We may also find that the person does not parent in the same considerate, passionate manner that we do.
Most of our decisions do not have acute, lasting, and long term effects on ourselves or others. This does not necessarily stop us from obsessing about them. We may know “other” people who spend hours shopping in the grocery store or in other types of stores comparing prices, ingredients, whether or not the product is a part of fair trade or potentially involves the oppression of those harvesting or creating the product. With the advent of mass media which is streaming into our lives minute by minute via phone, television (even on our phones), computers, tablets, electronic billboards, and print we are constantly challenged to be good stewards of the Mother Earth and all its varied inhabitants – vegetable, mineral and animal. Some of us are also cognizant of the effect of purchasing goods or services from those directly or indirectly involved in the production of weapons or other items which are intended to harm. Finding out who actually owns a particular company and, thus, that company also makes weapons can consume hours or days at the computer. Even then one can easily miss the fact that x company is really under the umbrella of a conglomerate which actually owns the shirt manufacturing plant which is a union shop in the United States but purchases its thread from a sweatshop in Z country. It seems near impossible to make shopping decisions based solely on one’s core values.
The decisions about which we most agonize are, of course, those which affect other people directly or which affect our future emotional health In these days of “free choice” we select our partners. Often our partner is selected by the prejudices and biases which we have learned or borrowed from others. Falling in love, whatever that entails, can be a powerful force resulting in us throwing caution, core values and all other considerations to the wind. The person with whom we fall in love may have totally different values, ambitions and beliefs, but if we have been struck deaf, blind and brain dead by love nothing else will make a difference. Love has been known to hijack one’s brain and cause one to forsake career, family, responsibilities, and all reason. Love (and sometimes lust) had been known to march into the very rectory of the one who would become pope or to the hut of the next Mother Theresa, anesthetize their mind, and implant wings by which they will fly to the beloved. Love can quickly morph into hate, jealously, rage or other destructive actions.
Much has been written about healthy, decision making paradigms. We know that healthy decisions are based on:
· Core values which have a sound spiritual base.
· Long-term, clearly stated and achievable objectives which are consistent with the core values.
· Carefully detailed step-by-step plans.
· Accurate information/facts.
· What is possible in terms of resources.
· A well-organized, rational or logical world.
Often, most of us will eventually realize that, at times, we got off course and make decisions with none of the above factors in mind. We make the decision based on love, short-term satisfaction or pleasure, or other factors having nothing to do with our core values. If not careful we then “waste” a lot of time and energy internally or verbally beating ourselves up, wringing our hands and prostrating our “sinful” self before the world or, at the very least, in the privacy of our own home or room. We cannot imagine that we allowed ourselves to be so inconsiderate, hurtful, shameful or stupid. We are mortified and search for sackcloth and ashes.
Obviously none of this operatic, self-flagellating behavior changes anything. The only logical behavior is to return to a healthy decision making model as outlined above. The steps are simple:
· Breathe.
· Notice that we had a very human moment. Do not judge self or others.
· Breathe.
· Review core values.
· Breathe.
· Outline short and long term goals based on core values.
· Breathe.
· Make a plan and, if possible, review with trusted friend, colleague, mentor, therapist, clergy or other trusted person who is supportive and not patronizing.
· Breathe.
· Review facts and resources available need for new goals.
· Breathe.
· Execute plan.
· Keep focused on goals which are independent of the response of person(s) we mistreated or hurt in some way.
· Move on with intention of not repeating same behavior.
· Breathe.
Written August 24, 2016
It seems for all ages of folks I know decision making is often a difficult process. Many factors seem to influence the level of difficulty which one might encounter. These include:
· Fear of making the wrong decision because others will be adversely affected.
· Fear of making the wrong decision because of financial consequence.
· Fear of being judged by others – family, friends, colleagues, community.
· Fear of how one might feel long term about the results of this decision.
· Fear that one is making a decision based too much on emotions.
Of course, we all make dozens of decisions on a daily basis about relatively minor matters. We decide what tasks to do at work or in our personal lives, what to eat and drink, whether or not to exercise, and what to wear. If we are a parent, we also make many decisions for our children or related to the future of our children. As they grow the issues change, but we are always aware of our role and consequent responsibility. If we are divorced or widowed we know that who we date, when we expose our children to that person and the potential role of that person with our children is extremely important. Springing a new partner/spouse on our children can result in a lot of anger and acting out. We may also find that the person does not parent in the same considerate, passionate manner that we do.
Most of our decisions do not have acute, lasting, and long term effects on ourselves or others. This does not necessarily stop us from obsessing about them. We may know “other” people who spend hours shopping in the grocery store or in other types of stores comparing prices, ingredients, whether or not the product is a part of fair trade or potentially involves the oppression of those harvesting or creating the product. With the advent of mass media which is streaming into our lives minute by minute via phone, television (even on our phones), computers, tablets, electronic billboards, and print we are constantly challenged to be good stewards of the Mother Earth and all its varied inhabitants – vegetable, mineral and animal. Some of us are also cognizant of the effect of purchasing goods or services from those directly or indirectly involved in the production of weapons or other items which are intended to harm. Finding out who actually owns a particular company and, thus, that company also makes weapons can consume hours or days at the computer. Even then one can easily miss the fact that x company is really under the umbrella of a conglomerate which actually owns the shirt manufacturing plant which is a union shop in the United States but purchases its thread from a sweatshop in Z country. It seems near impossible to make shopping decisions based solely on one’s core values.
The decisions about which we most agonize are, of course, those which affect other people directly or which affect our future emotional health In these days of “free choice” we select our partners. Often our partner is selected by the prejudices and biases which we have learned or borrowed from others. Falling in love, whatever that entails, can be a powerful force resulting in us throwing caution, core values and all other considerations to the wind. The person with whom we fall in love may have totally different values, ambitions and beliefs, but if we have been struck deaf, blind and brain dead by love nothing else will make a difference. Love has been known to hijack one’s brain and cause one to forsake career, family, responsibilities, and all reason. Love (and sometimes lust) had been known to march into the very rectory of the one who would become pope or to the hut of the next Mother Theresa, anesthetize their mind, and implant wings by which they will fly to the beloved. Love can quickly morph into hate, jealously, rage or other destructive actions.
Much has been written about healthy, decision making paradigms. We know that healthy decisions are based on:
· Core values which have a sound spiritual base.
· Long-term, clearly stated and achievable objectives which are consistent with the core values.
· Carefully detailed step-by-step plans.
· Accurate information/facts.
· What is possible in terms of resources.
· A well-organized, rational or logical world.
Often, most of us will eventually realize that, at times, we got off course and make decisions with none of the above factors in mind. We make the decision based on love, short-term satisfaction or pleasure, or other factors having nothing to do with our core values. If not careful we then “waste” a lot of time and energy internally or verbally beating ourselves up, wringing our hands and prostrating our “sinful” self before the world or, at the very least, in the privacy of our own home or room. We cannot imagine that we allowed ourselves to be so inconsiderate, hurtful, shameful or stupid. We are mortified and search for sackcloth and ashes.
Obviously none of this operatic, self-flagellating behavior changes anything. The only logical behavior is to return to a healthy decision making model as outlined above. The steps are simple:
· Breathe.
· Notice that we had a very human moment. Do not judge self or others.
· Breathe.
· Review core values.
· Breathe.
· Outline short and long term goals based on core values.
· Breathe.
· Make a plan and, if possible, review with trusted friend, colleague, mentor, therapist, clergy or other trusted person who is supportive and not patronizing.
· Breathe.
· Review facts and resources available need for new goals.
· Breathe.
· Execute plan.
· Keep focused on goals which are independent of the response of person(s) we mistreated or hurt in some way.
· Move on with intention of not repeating same behavior.
· Breathe.
Written August 24, 2016
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