Desire paths and mental health
This morning, while listening to a Ted Talk by Tom Hulme entitled What can we learn from shortcuts I was reminded of my earliest experience of what Mr. Hulme is calling “desire paths.” His initial example of a desire path is:
“I'm reminded of that every time I walk past Highbury Fields in north London. It's absolutely beautiful. There's a big open green space. There's Georgian buildings around the side. But then there's this mud trap that cuts across the middle. People clearly don't want to walk all the way around the edge. Instead, they want to take the shortcut, and that shortcut is self-reinforcing.”
Although the term is new to me, I recall many years ago when a new building would appear on the campus of the University of Maryland there would be no sidewalks. It seems to me that those responsible for sidewalks on the campus would wait to see where students walked and then install sidewalks along that, by then, well used path. I do not recall ever being told that his what was happening, but it certainly seemed that way to me. It made perfect sense. I was also aware that as the schedules and interest of students, faculty and staff changed new shortcuts or paths might be forged.
I then remembered an experiment at an intentional community I visited. Adults wanted to find out if one made a variety of healthy foods available to children would they “naturally” choose the food that their body needed. The folks to whom I talked at this community insisted that over a number of years this was the case. Children chose when and what to eat. The overall health of the child was said to be much better than that in the general population.
I previously talked about an experiment in India which made computers available to children without giving them any instruction. Furthermore, the computers were programmed to operate with the English language even though none of the children spoke or wrote English. The computers were placed in common areas. Within a short time, the children taught themselves enough English to use them and taught themselves how to operate the computers. Tests revealed that their proficiency in learning was as good as learning by kids in a private school being taught in their native language. To be fair, the experimenter did add a grandmother factor. He had a volunteer English grandmother who would sign on to the internet and use positive statements to encourage the children. (See Sugata Mitra, build a School in the Clouds, Ted Talk posted February 2013.)
In essence the concept of a desire path is being used in this educational experiment. The children decide the method and speed of learning. The “grandmother principle” helps but is not the key component.
Last night I was talking to parents of an adult child who has struggled with acute low self-esteem, anxiety and addiction for many years. Unlike other family members who are able to keep working hard for what they want to accomplish, he gets easily discouraged and gives up. Because he lives with the diseases of anxiety, alcoholism and addictive behavior he has often resorted to the shortcuts of numbing himself with alcohol, sex, and/or retreating and hiding out At age 26 he lives in an apartment owned by his parents. His parents also pay for his food and other necessities. He is attending a welding course at the community college which he will soon finish. His anxiety and low self-esteem had made this course a constant challenge. He is taking medication for his anxiety and his addiction which could result in his failing the drug test which most employers will require him to pass. His parents are understandably worried and frustrated. Because of his history they do not allow him access to his car. Either they or his girlfriend take him to and from class or other places he needs to go. They cannot go away together and leave him for any period to take care of himself. His girlfriend is not able to commit to being his driver and caretaker on any schedule.
I was thinking about how to apply the concept of desire path to parenting this young man. Many parents are in a very similar situation.
The advice given to such parents normally include:
· Practice tough love. Allow the adult child to live with consequences of his/her choices.
· Accept that the child cannot function and insist that the child apply for SSI/disability and live in HUD subsidized housing.
· Do what this family is doing which includes supporting him but also setting some minimal expectations regarding sobriety and additional job skill training.
· Once the limits of insurance have been reached pay privately for a very expensive long-term residential treatment program.
· Accept that the child cannot function and just allow him or her to do nothing. Set up trust fund to support the child when/if something happens to the parents.
I know parents who have used all of these options. Some have the money and resignation to set up a trust fund and/or to pay for long-term residential care if the adult child is willing to do that. Some families allow the adult child to be homeless. Occasionally the child is able to decide that they are sick and tired of being sick and tired and to immerse themselves in a recovery program such as AA or NA or another support group. Some live the rest of their lives in a group home (not many available), in subsidized housing and/or in jail.
All of the options are risky and may result in the early death of a child. One cannot prevent the child from committing suicide – directly or indirectly.
Very often, the parents or other family members argue. It is not uncommon for the relationship of the parents to become the focus as they argue about what option to choose. This may end in a very sad divorce. Obviously, in this scenario no one, including the adult child, wins.
It is wonderful, of course, when adult children responds well to treatment and are able to claim a healthy, satisfying life for themselves. One can find many such success stories. Attending an open-lead meeting of a 12-step recovery group will allow one to hear stories of such miracles. Talking to someone involved in the National Alliance on Mental Illness will give one access to stories of success and failure. Attending a support group such as Alanon or Nar-Anon can also be helpful. In some areas there are other support groups for family members and other loved ones of those living with mental illness and/or addiction.
There are no one size fits all solutions or even recommendations. Certainly one can find those who “swear” by a particular approach such as tough love. Some family members come to see me after they have been devastated by the message of a colleague who has beat them over the head with criticism of their “co-dependence.”
My approach relies more on the desire path approach. This approach does not work if the desire path leads through dangerous traffic as did one in a South American City, Brasilia. When this planned city was designed it was thought that no one would walk so there were no walkways or pavement. This was not accurate and one accident-prone desire path crosses 15 lanes of traffic.
One who has ever tried to force a person with the disease of addiction or acute mental illness to follow a particular path knows that this approach does not work and may result in escalating an already dangerous situation.
When a person is already feeling as if they are powerless, telling them what to do will result in them attempting to establish a power base even if that power is simply to reject every suggestion of their loved one or health care professional. Certainly one can set reality limits of money, time, or other resources. One can also stress family rules of getting help when any family member has an issue. Now the focus is on the family and not on the individual.
One can also encourage the person to articulate a plan which is consistent with core family values. One has to be careful however to not use this approach in a negative way, i. e. use, “In this family we do x” instead of “In this family we do not do y.”
With the family of the loved one it can be helpful to:
· Keep the focus on problem solving and not blaming each other.
· Do not be critical of the family for their choices. One might point out some obvious possible negative outcomes but stress that no approach is wrong or bad.
· Stress that all approaches carry risks – that one cannot control addiction or other mental illness.
· Listen for the “desire path” of the family which may be dictated by their health, finances or other factors.
· Encourage family members to use healthy support groups. Do not assume that all support groups are going to be helpful or positive.
Written July 20, 2016
This morning, while listening to a Ted Talk by Tom Hulme entitled What can we learn from shortcuts I was reminded of my earliest experience of what Mr. Hulme is calling “desire paths.” His initial example of a desire path is:
“I'm reminded of that every time I walk past Highbury Fields in north London. It's absolutely beautiful. There's a big open green space. There's Georgian buildings around the side. But then there's this mud trap that cuts across the middle. People clearly don't want to walk all the way around the edge. Instead, they want to take the shortcut, and that shortcut is self-reinforcing.”
Although the term is new to me, I recall many years ago when a new building would appear on the campus of the University of Maryland there would be no sidewalks. It seems to me that those responsible for sidewalks on the campus would wait to see where students walked and then install sidewalks along that, by then, well used path. I do not recall ever being told that his what was happening, but it certainly seemed that way to me. It made perfect sense. I was also aware that as the schedules and interest of students, faculty and staff changed new shortcuts or paths might be forged.
I then remembered an experiment at an intentional community I visited. Adults wanted to find out if one made a variety of healthy foods available to children would they “naturally” choose the food that their body needed. The folks to whom I talked at this community insisted that over a number of years this was the case. Children chose when and what to eat. The overall health of the child was said to be much better than that in the general population.
I previously talked about an experiment in India which made computers available to children without giving them any instruction. Furthermore, the computers were programmed to operate with the English language even though none of the children spoke or wrote English. The computers were placed in common areas. Within a short time, the children taught themselves enough English to use them and taught themselves how to operate the computers. Tests revealed that their proficiency in learning was as good as learning by kids in a private school being taught in their native language. To be fair, the experimenter did add a grandmother factor. He had a volunteer English grandmother who would sign on to the internet and use positive statements to encourage the children. (See Sugata Mitra, build a School in the Clouds, Ted Talk posted February 2013.)
In essence the concept of a desire path is being used in this educational experiment. The children decide the method and speed of learning. The “grandmother principle” helps but is not the key component.
Last night I was talking to parents of an adult child who has struggled with acute low self-esteem, anxiety and addiction for many years. Unlike other family members who are able to keep working hard for what they want to accomplish, he gets easily discouraged and gives up. Because he lives with the diseases of anxiety, alcoholism and addictive behavior he has often resorted to the shortcuts of numbing himself with alcohol, sex, and/or retreating and hiding out At age 26 he lives in an apartment owned by his parents. His parents also pay for his food and other necessities. He is attending a welding course at the community college which he will soon finish. His anxiety and low self-esteem had made this course a constant challenge. He is taking medication for his anxiety and his addiction which could result in his failing the drug test which most employers will require him to pass. His parents are understandably worried and frustrated. Because of his history they do not allow him access to his car. Either they or his girlfriend take him to and from class or other places he needs to go. They cannot go away together and leave him for any period to take care of himself. His girlfriend is not able to commit to being his driver and caretaker on any schedule.
I was thinking about how to apply the concept of desire path to parenting this young man. Many parents are in a very similar situation.
The advice given to such parents normally include:
· Practice tough love. Allow the adult child to live with consequences of his/her choices.
· Accept that the child cannot function and insist that the child apply for SSI/disability and live in HUD subsidized housing.
· Do what this family is doing which includes supporting him but also setting some minimal expectations regarding sobriety and additional job skill training.
· Once the limits of insurance have been reached pay privately for a very expensive long-term residential treatment program.
· Accept that the child cannot function and just allow him or her to do nothing. Set up trust fund to support the child when/if something happens to the parents.
I know parents who have used all of these options. Some have the money and resignation to set up a trust fund and/or to pay for long-term residential care if the adult child is willing to do that. Some families allow the adult child to be homeless. Occasionally the child is able to decide that they are sick and tired of being sick and tired and to immerse themselves in a recovery program such as AA or NA or another support group. Some live the rest of their lives in a group home (not many available), in subsidized housing and/or in jail.
All of the options are risky and may result in the early death of a child. One cannot prevent the child from committing suicide – directly or indirectly.
Very often, the parents or other family members argue. It is not uncommon for the relationship of the parents to become the focus as they argue about what option to choose. This may end in a very sad divorce. Obviously, in this scenario no one, including the adult child, wins.
It is wonderful, of course, when adult children responds well to treatment and are able to claim a healthy, satisfying life for themselves. One can find many such success stories. Attending an open-lead meeting of a 12-step recovery group will allow one to hear stories of such miracles. Talking to someone involved in the National Alliance on Mental Illness will give one access to stories of success and failure. Attending a support group such as Alanon or Nar-Anon can also be helpful. In some areas there are other support groups for family members and other loved ones of those living with mental illness and/or addiction.
There are no one size fits all solutions or even recommendations. Certainly one can find those who “swear” by a particular approach such as tough love. Some family members come to see me after they have been devastated by the message of a colleague who has beat them over the head with criticism of their “co-dependence.”
My approach relies more on the desire path approach. This approach does not work if the desire path leads through dangerous traffic as did one in a South American City, Brasilia. When this planned city was designed it was thought that no one would walk so there were no walkways or pavement. This was not accurate and one accident-prone desire path crosses 15 lanes of traffic.
One who has ever tried to force a person with the disease of addiction or acute mental illness to follow a particular path knows that this approach does not work and may result in escalating an already dangerous situation.
When a person is already feeling as if they are powerless, telling them what to do will result in them attempting to establish a power base even if that power is simply to reject every suggestion of their loved one or health care professional. Certainly one can set reality limits of money, time, or other resources. One can also stress family rules of getting help when any family member has an issue. Now the focus is on the family and not on the individual.
One can also encourage the person to articulate a plan which is consistent with core family values. One has to be careful however to not use this approach in a negative way, i. e. use, “In this family we do x” instead of “In this family we do not do y.”
With the family of the loved one it can be helpful to:
· Keep the focus on problem solving and not blaming each other.
· Do not be critical of the family for their choices. One might point out some obvious possible negative outcomes but stress that no approach is wrong or bad.
· Stress that all approaches carry risks – that one cannot control addiction or other mental illness.
· Listen for the “desire path” of the family which may be dictated by their health, finances or other factors.
· Encourage family members to use healthy support groups. Do not assume that all support groups are going to be helpful or positive.
Written July 20, 2016
This morning, while listening to a Ted Talk by Tom Hulme entitled What can we learn from shortcuts I was reminded of my earliest experience of what Mr. Hulme is calling “desire paths.” His initial example of a desire path is:
“I'm reminded of that every time I walk past Highbury Fields in north London. It's absolutely beautiful. There's a big open green space. There's Georgian buildings around the side. But then there's this mud trap that cuts across the middle. People clearly don't want to walk all the way around the edge. Instead, they want to take the shortcut, and that shortcut is self-reinforcing.”
Although the term is new to me, I recall many years ago when a new building would appear on the campus of the University of Maryland there would be no sidewalks. It seems to me that those responsible for sidewalks on the campus would wait to see where students walked and then install sidewalks along that, by then, well used path. I do not recall ever being told that his what was happening, but it certainly seemed that way to me. It made perfect sense. I was also aware that as the schedules and interest of students, faculty and staff changed new shortcuts or paths might be forged.
I then remembered an experiment at an intentional community I visited. Adults wanted to find out if one made a variety of healthy foods available to children would they “naturally” choose the food that their body needed. The folks to whom I talked at this community insisted that over a number of years this was the case. Children chose when and what to eat. The overall health of the child was said to be much better than that in the general population.
I previously talked about an experiment in India which made computers available to children without giving them any instruction. Furthermore, the computers were programmed to operate with the English language even though none of the children spoke or wrote English. The computers were placed in common areas. Within a short time, the children taught themselves enough English to use them and taught themselves how to operate the computers. Tests revealed that their proficiency in learning was as good as learning by kids in a private school being taught in their native language. To be fair, the experimenter did add a grandmother factor. He had a volunteer English grandmother who would sign on to the internet and use positive statements to encourage the children. (See Sugata Mitra, build a School in the Clouds, Ted Talk posted February 2013.)
In essence the concept of a desire path is being used in this educational experiment. The children decide the method and speed of learning. The “grandmother principle” helps but is not the key component.
Last night I was talking to parents of an adult child who has struggled with acute low self-esteem, anxiety and addiction for many years. Unlike other family members who are able to keep working hard for what they want to accomplish, he gets easily discouraged and gives up. Because he lives with the diseases of anxiety, alcoholism and addictive behavior he has often resorted to the shortcuts of numbing himself with alcohol, sex, and/or retreating and hiding out At age 26 he lives in an apartment owned by his parents. His parents also pay for his food and other necessities. He is attending a welding course at the community college which he will soon finish. His anxiety and low self-esteem had made this course a constant challenge. He is taking medication for his anxiety and his addiction which could result in his failing the drug test which most employers will require him to pass. His parents are understandably worried and frustrated. Because of his history they do not allow him access to his car. Either they or his girlfriend take him to and from class or other places he needs to go. They cannot go away together and leave him for any period to take care of himself. His girlfriend is not able to commit to being his driver and caretaker on any schedule.
I was thinking about how to apply the concept of desire path to parenting this young man. Many parents are in a very similar situation.
The advice given to such parents normally include:
· Practice tough love. Allow the adult child to live with consequences of his/her choices.
· Accept that the child cannot function and insist that the child apply for SSI/disability and live in HUD subsidized housing.
· Do what this family is doing which includes supporting him but also setting some minimal expectations regarding sobriety and additional job skill training.
· Once the limits of insurance have been reached pay privately for a very expensive long-term residential treatment program.
· Accept that the child cannot function and just allow him or her to do nothing. Set up trust fund to support the child when/if something happens to the parents.
I know parents who have used all of these options. Some have the money and resignation to set up a trust fund and/or to pay for long-term residential care if the adult child is willing to do that. Some families allow the adult child to be homeless. Occasionally the child is able to decide that they are sick and tired of being sick and tired and to immerse themselves in a recovery program such as AA or NA or another support group. Some live the rest of their lives in a group home (not many available), in subsidized housing and/or in jail.
All of the options are risky and may result in the early death of a child. One cannot prevent the child from committing suicide – directly or indirectly.
Very often, the parents or other family members argue. It is not uncommon for the relationship of the parents to become the focus as they argue about what option to choose. This may end in a very sad divorce. Obviously, in this scenario no one, including the adult child, wins.
It is wonderful, of course, when adult children responds well to treatment and are able to claim a healthy, satisfying life for themselves. One can find many such success stories. Attending an open-lead meeting of a 12-step recovery group will allow one to hear stories of such miracles. Talking to someone involved in the National Alliance on Mental Illness will give one access to stories of success and failure. Attending a support group such as Alanon or Nar-Anon can also be helpful. In some areas there are other support groups for family members and other loved ones of those living with mental illness and/or addiction.
There are no one size fits all solutions or even recommendations. Certainly one can find those who “swear” by a particular approach such as tough love. Some family members come to see me after they have been devastated by the message of a colleague who has beat them over the head with criticism of their “co-dependence.”
My approach relies more on the desire path approach. This approach does not work if the desire path leads through dangerous traffic as did one in a South American City, Brasilia. When this planned city was designed it was thought that no one would walk so there were no walkways or pavement. This was not accurate and one accident-prone desire path crosses 15 lanes of traffic.
One who has ever tried to force a person with the disease of addiction or acute mental illness to follow a particular path knows that this approach does not work and may result in escalating an already dangerous situation.
When a person is already feeling as if they are powerless, telling them what to do will result in them attempting to establish a power base even if that power is simply to reject every suggestion of their loved one or health care professional. Certainly one can set reality limits of money, time, or other resources. One can also stress family rules of getting help when any family member has an issue. Now the focus is on the family and not on the individual.
One can also encourage the person to articulate a plan which is consistent with core family values. One has to be careful however to not use this approach in a negative way, i. e. use, “In this family we do x” instead of “In this family we do not do y.”
With the family of the loved one it can be helpful to:
· Keep the focus on problem solving and not blaming each other.
· Do not be critical of the family for their choices. One might point out some obvious possible negative outcomes but stress that no approach is wrong or bad.
· Stress that all approaches carry risks – that one cannot control addiction or other mental illness.
· Listen for the “desire path” of the family which may be dictated by their health, finances or other factors.
· Encourage family members to use healthy support groups. Do not assume that all support groups are going to be helpful or positive.
Written July 20, 2016
This morning, while listening to a Ted Talk by Tom Hulme entitled What can we learn from shortcuts I was reminded of my earliest experience of what Mr. Hulme is calling “desire paths.” His initial example of a desire path is:
“I'm reminded of that every time I walk past Highbury Fields in north London. It's absolutely beautiful. There's a big open green space. There's Georgian buildings around the side. But then there's this mud trap that cuts across the middle. People clearly don't want to walk all the way around the edge. Instead, they want to take the shortcut, and that shortcut is self-reinforcing.”
Although the term is new to me, I recall many years ago when a new building would appear on the campus of the University of Maryland there would be no sidewalks. It seems to me that those responsible for sidewalks on the campus would wait to see where students walked and then install sidewalks along that, by then, well used path. I do not recall ever being told that his what was happening, but it certainly seemed that way to me. It made perfect sense. I was also aware that as the schedules and interest of students, faculty and staff changed new shortcuts or paths might be forged.
I then remembered an experiment at an intentional community I visited. Adults wanted to find out if one made a variety of healthy foods available to children would they “naturally” choose the food that their body needed. The folks to whom I talked at this community insisted that over a number of years this was the case. Children chose when and what to eat. The overall health of the child was said to be much better than that in the general population.
I previously talked about an experiment in India which made computers available to children without giving them any instruction. Furthermore, the computers were programmed to operate with the English language even though none of the children spoke or wrote English. The computers were placed in common areas. Within a short time, the children taught themselves enough English to use them and taught themselves how to operate the computers. Tests revealed that their proficiency in learning was as good as learning by kids in a private school being taught in their native language. To be fair, the experimenter did add a grandmother factor. He had a volunteer English grandmother who would sign on to the internet and use positive statements to encourage the children. (See Sugata Mitra, build a School in the Clouds, Ted Talk posted February 2013.)
In essence the concept of a desire path is being used in this educational experiment. The children decide the method and speed of learning. The “grandmother principle” helps but is not the key component.
Last night I was talking to parents of an adult child who has struggled with acute low self-esteem, anxiety and addiction for many years. Unlike other family members who are able to keep working hard for what they want to accomplish, he gets easily discouraged and gives up. Because he lives with the diseases of anxiety, alcoholism and addictive behavior he has often resorted to the shortcuts of numbing himself with alcohol, sex, and/or retreating and hiding out At age 26 he lives in an apartment owned by his parents. His parents also pay for his food and other necessities. He is attending a welding course at the community college which he will soon finish. His anxiety and low self-esteem had made this course a constant challenge. He is taking medication for his anxiety and his addiction which could result in his failing the drug test which most employers will require him to pass. His parents are understandably worried and frustrated. Because of his history they do not allow him access to his car. Either they or his girlfriend take him to and from class or other places he needs to go. They cannot go away together and leave him for any period to take care of himself. His girlfriend is not able to commit to being his driver and caretaker on any schedule.
I was thinking about how to apply the concept of desire path to parenting this young man. Many parents are in a very similar situation.
The advice given to such parents normally include:
· Practice tough love. Allow the adult child to live with consequences of his/her choices.
· Accept that the child cannot function and insist that the child apply for SSI/disability and live in HUD subsidized housing.
· Do what this family is doing which includes supporting him but also setting some minimal expectations regarding sobriety and additional job skill training.
· Once the limits of insurance have been reached pay privately for a very expensive long-term residential treatment program.
· Accept that the child cannot function and just allow him or her to do nothing. Set up trust fund to support the child when/if something happens to the parents.
I know parents who have used all of these options. Some have the money and resignation to set up a trust fund and/or to pay for long-term residential care if the adult child is willing to do that. Some families allow the adult child to be homeless. Occasionally the child is able to decide that they are sick and tired of being sick and tired and to immerse themselves in a recovery program such as AA or NA or another support group. Some live the rest of their lives in a group home (not many available), in subsidized housing and/or in jail.
All of the options are risky and may result in the early death of a child. One cannot prevent the child from committing suicide – directly or indirectly.
Very often, the parents or other family members argue. It is not uncommon for the relationship of the parents to become the focus as they argue about what option to choose. This may end in a very sad divorce. Obviously, in this scenario no one, including the adult child, wins.
It is wonderful, of course, when adult children responds well to treatment and are able to claim a healthy, satisfying life for themselves. One can find many such success stories. Attending an open-lead meeting of a 12-step recovery group will allow one to hear stories of such miracles. Talking to someone involved in the National Alliance on Mental Illness will give one access to stories of success and failure. Attending a support group such as Alanon or Nar-Anon can also be helpful. In some areas there are other support groups for family members and other loved ones of those living with mental illness and/or addiction.
There are no one size fits all solutions or even recommendations. Certainly one can find those who “swear” by a particular approach such as tough love. Some family members come to see me after they have been devastated by the message of a colleague who has beat them over the head with criticism of their “co-dependence.”
My approach relies more on the desire path approach. This approach does not work if the desire path leads through dangerous traffic as did one in a South American City, Brasilia. When this planned city was designed it was thought that no one would walk so there were no walkways or pavement. This was not accurate and one accident-prone desire path crosses 15 lanes of traffic.
One who has ever tried to force a person with the disease of addiction or acute mental illness to follow a particular path knows that this approach does not work and may result in escalating an already dangerous situation.
When a person is already feeling as if they are powerless, telling them what to do will result in them attempting to establish a power base even if that power is simply to reject every suggestion of their loved one or health care professional. Certainly one can set reality limits of money, time, or other resources. One can also stress family rules of getting help when any family member has an issue. Now the focus is on the family and not on the individual.
One can also encourage the person to articulate a plan which is consistent with core family values. One has to be careful however to not use this approach in a negative way, i. e. use, “In this family we do x” instead of “In this family we do not do y.”
With the family of the loved one it can be helpful to:
· Keep the focus on problem solving and not blaming each other.
· Do not be critical of the family for their choices. One might point out some obvious possible negative outcomes but stress that no approach is wrong or bad.
· Stress that all approaches carry risks – that one cannot control addiction or other mental illness.
· Listen for the “desire path” of the family which may be dictated by their health, finances or other factors.
· Encourage family members to use healthy support groups. Do not assume that all support groups are going to be helpful or positive.
Written July 20, 2016
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