Emotional Maturity
I have just had lunch with a young friend who is now age 22. I have known this young man since he was a teenager. He continues to grow into what I consider an emotionally mature young man with whom I enjoy spending time. This young man is is very intentional abut examining his values and corresponding actions. Earlier today, I met with a man who is considerably older He has now been in recovery or semi-recovery for alcoholism for about 1 ½ years. Thankfully he is not drinking, is taking care of his family and is working full time although not in the profession for which he was trained. Still, he is paying his bills and he is a lot more present than he was able to be when he was drinking He still struggles with some habits of thinking and behavior which are normal for someone who is in early recovery. Sadly, other than attending some meetings he has decided that he does not need to systematically work the steps of the 12 step program. If he continues to resist doing what has worked for so many he may end up being what is sometimes called a dry drunk or he will relapse. This is an all too common pattern – do the minimal recovery program and hope that one’s brain heals and one begin to think like a healthy adult male. There may be times when this works, but very often it does not work. If one has a history of going through the normal developmental stages of growth until age 26 or later one might have a pretty solid base. On the other hand, all too often the person in early recovery from addiction or other disease did not go through the normal developmental stages and, thus did but build a solid base. A solid base will always entail a system for growing emotionally, physically and spiritually.
During the recent presidential campaign I found myself thinking that the average emotional age of many of the candidates seemed to be about 13.
I decided to google emotional maturity to see if there was any consensus among “experts” about the emotional and behavioral characteristic of emotional maturity. Not surprisingly, many people have explored this topic. I found numerous sites on which various individuals attempted to articulate the behavior of those they consider emotionally mature. Below are three lists from three different referenced sites:
Honor long term commitments
Unshaken by criticism or flattery
Spirit of humility
Decisions based on character, not feeling
Expresses gratitude consistently
Knows how to prioritize others before themselves
Seeks wisdom before acting
(Psychologytoday.com)
Seekers of self mastery – use we/team/mentors
Emotionally Intelligent – stay calm and think clearly – act and not react
Positive attitude-hard work, patience and persistence pays off
Independent - live by principles and purposes
Delay gratification
Truthful – high integrity
Responsible
Accessible-give their time to relationships, projects, goals
Gracious and fiving
(Sherrie Campbell entrepreneur.com/article/28265)
Research reaching your goal
Daily affirmations keep your eye on the prize
Set healthy boundaries
Learn to pause
Learn when to say when –self control is a fundamental giant
Infuse emotional maturity into one’s work – humility
Behavioral growth - learn from mistakes
Stop making poor choices – grow up-live within means – live by moral compass
(Good men projects.com)
I could also have listed the steps of the 12 step programs which essentially focus on developing these emotional and behavioral traits. Some would maintain that both Buddha and Jesus advocated that each of us strive to develop and refine the same traits. Some “experts” may emphasize certain behaviors and practices, but they also suggest that we develop a set of values/morals which we constantly examine, be accepting of our own humanness and that of others, be quick to admit and learn from mistakes, apologize often and be quick to forget. They would also advocate that one take responsibility for one’s action and focus not on flagellating oneself but learning from one’s mistakes, help and not judge the least of these, and surround oneself with loving healthy people.
First and foremost most would suggest that we practice what the 12 step programs call the HOW of the program – honestly, open mindedness and willingness – in all our affairs. Secondly they would all suggest that emotional maturity is a journey and not a destination. We have to work on this daily for all the days of our life. If not, we will fall back into immature, unhealthy ways of functioning. As is true with all skills, we have to practice, practice, practice – learn, learn, learn.
Together we can help each other grow towards emotional maturity. I suspect that we will find that emotional maturity and spiritual maturity always go together. We cannot have one without the other.
Written March 30, 2017
I have just had lunch with a young friend who is now age 22. I have known this young man since he was a teenager. He continues to grow into what I consider an emotionally mature young man with whom I enjoy spending time. This young man is is very intentional abut examining his values and corresponding actions. Earlier today, I met with a man who is considerably older He has now been in recovery or semi-recovery for alcoholism for about 1 ½ years. Thankfully he is not drinking, is taking care of his family and is working full time although not in the profession for which he was trained. Still, he is paying his bills and he is a lot more present than he was able to be when he was drinking He still struggles with some habits of thinking and behavior which are normal for someone who is in early recovery. Sadly, other than attending some meetings he has decided that he does not need to systematically work the steps of the 12 step program. If he continues to resist doing what has worked for so many he may end up being what is sometimes called a dry drunk or he will relapse. This is an all too common pattern – do the minimal recovery program and hope that one’s brain heals and one begin to think like a healthy adult male. There may be times when this works, but very often it does not work. If one has a history of going through the normal developmental stages of growth until age 26 or later one might have a pretty solid base. On the other hand, all too often the person in early recovery from addiction or other disease did not go through the normal developmental stages and, thus did but build a solid base. A solid base will always entail a system for growing emotionally, physically and spiritually.
During the recent presidential campaign I found myself thinking that the average emotional age of many of the candidates seemed to be about 13.
I decided to google emotional maturity to see if there was any consensus among “experts” about the emotional and behavioral characteristic of emotional maturity. Not surprisingly, many people have explored this topic. I found numerous sites on which various individuals attempted to articulate the behavior of those they consider emotionally mature. Below are three lists from three different referenced sites:
Honor long term commitments
Unshaken by criticism or flattery
Spirit of humility
Decisions based on character, not feeling
Expresses gratitude consistently
Knows how to prioritize others before themselves
Seeks wisdom before acting
(Psychologytoday.com)
Seekers of self mastery – use we/team/mentors
Emotionally Intelligent – stay calm and think clearly – act and not react
Positive attitude-hard work, patience and persistence pays off
Independent - live by principles and purposes
Delay gratification
Truthful – high integrity
Responsible
Accessible-give their time to relationships, projects, goals
Gracious and fiving
(Sherrie Campbell entrepreneur.com/article/28265)
Research reaching your goal
Daily affirmations keep your eye on the prize
Set healthy boundaries
Learn to pause
Learn when to say when –self control is a fundamental giant
Infuse emotional maturity into one’s work – humility
Behavioral growth - learn from mistakes
Stop making poor choices – grow up-live within means – live by moral compass
(Good men projects.com)
I could also have listed the steps of the 12 step programs which essentially focus on developing these emotional and behavioral traits. Some would maintain that both Buddha and Jesus advocated that each of us strive to develop and refine the same traits. Some “experts” may emphasize certain behaviors and practices, but they also suggest that we develop a set of values/morals which we constantly examine, be accepting of our own humanness and that of others, be quick to admit and learn from mistakes, apologize often and be quick to forget. They would also advocate that one take responsibility for one’s action and focus not on flagellating oneself but learning from one’s mistakes, help and not judge the least of these, and surround oneself with loving healthy people.
First and foremost most would suggest that we practice what the 12 step programs call the HOW of the program – honestly, open mindedness and willingness – in all our affairs. Secondly they would all suggest that emotional maturity is a journey and not a destination. We have to work on this daily for all the days of our life. If not, we will fall back into immature, unhealthy ways of functioning. As is true with all skills, we have to practice, practice, practice – learn, learn, learn.
Together we can help each other grow towards emotional maturity. I suspect that we will find that emotional maturity and spiritual maturity always go together. We cannot have one without the other.
Written March 30, 2017
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