Emotions and Identity
There seems to be a widespread belief that if something bad happens it is always someone’s fault and someone has to be held accountable. If an elevator fails, then it is because it was not properly maintained. If one gets lung cancer than it is because one fell victim to the marketing campaign of the tobacco company. If a car goes out of control and causes an accident, then the person who was driving the car is responsible for the accident. If one burns oneself with hot coffee than the company who sold one, the hot coffee is responsible for the burn. If one is having an acute, negative emotional reaction to some experience than it is the fault of the person who committed an act or behavior to which one responded.
These beliefs seems to assume that one has complete control over events which then leads to the assumption that everything bad that happens is someone’s fault. In fact many believe that even one’s emotional reaction is entirely the fault of the person who was operating the equipment or who performed the tasks that led to something negative happening.
I have often sat in courtrooms and listened to a colleague say that person B has been damaged for life by the emotional trauma they experienced but the action of person P. Many seem to act as it there is only one way to respond to a situation. To be sure, if you are the person who gets brutally sexually assaulted or the person who child or another loved one gets murdered or permanently disfigured or disabled as a result of either the carelessness or deliberate behavior of a deranged person or an extremist who is convinced he or she is doing the will of God you are going to be extremely sad. It is even natural to ask, “Why me?” It may even “natural” not to be able to imagine life going on without that person or without that person being able to live what is sometimes referred to as “a normal life.
We all also know people who always manage to view events in a more positive manner. Even the death of a child might engender a response such as, “Aren’t I lucky to have had this child with me for 7 wonderful years.” as opposed to “This is so unfair. I only had this child for 7 years. My life is ruined.” I have known many people who survived war experiences, the sudden death of a loved on or other sad evens with such an attitude.
To be sure the parent who loses a child and is not extremely sad is either in denial or unable for whatever reason to experience any emotions. On the other hand, to tell oneself what one should feel or that one cannot move on with one’s life is not about the child but about what one has learned about emotions and what one should or should not do as a result.
We all learn “rules” for what emotions we can or should have and what our emotions tell us about we are. We can easily form an identify with the emotion. Instead of I am a person who is sad I may identify as the sad person. Instead of a person living with cancer we become cancer or the person dying with cancer. What if we allow for the possibility that we are not our emotions. We experience some basic emotions and then we decide what they mean or do not mean. We may have learned how to make these decisions very early in life and never considered other options.
As in all areas of life, it is our job as adults to reexamine all we have been told is the truth – about our emotions and all aspects of this life journey.
If we have come to accept that we are victims of an emotional experience, that we cannot move on, that we cannot have a quality life following event X, that life is either positive or negative and not both, or that someone has to pay for a sad event before we can have closure then we have the right and I think the responsibility to step back and reexamine those messages.
Live shows up. Life is filled with positive and negatives experiences. We are stronger that we feel even at the worst of times. Justice does not demand that people have to suffer for the rest of their life because of a mistake or a stupid decision. It is true that we need to learn from our mistakes, that we need to own them and make amends when possible. It is not true that we have to accept that we are poor victims who can never experience joy again.
I work for/with many people who have experienced very sad and even tragic experiences. Although healing takes time they all can learn to move on and enjoy life. Often people have told me that it is not right that they are able to enjoy life if person D is dead or disabled. I do not believe that. We honor the lives of the deceased members of our community by celebrating their achievements and their joys and passing those on to others. We can always play it forward. When someone dies, and leave only a sad history, we can be grateful that they are finally at peace. We may or may not be in a position to help discover a cure or to support the research for a cure for the condition which make their lives miserable.
As adults, we have a choice about how to relate to our core emotions. If we just rely of what we learned about what she should feel and who we are as a result of a particular experience, we are cheating ourselves and all those whose lives we touch.
I am certainly not suggesting that we can should be a Pollyanna. Sad events are sad. They may also be an opportunity. I am convinced that whatever happens I can still experience joy and move on with my life.
Written June 5, 2017
There seems to be a widespread belief that if something bad happens it is always someone’s fault and someone has to be held accountable. If an elevator fails, then it is because it was not properly maintained. If one gets lung cancer than it is because one fell victim to the marketing campaign of the tobacco company. If a car goes out of control and causes an accident, then the person who was driving the car is responsible for the accident. If one burns oneself with hot coffee than the company who sold one, the hot coffee is responsible for the burn. If one is having an acute, negative emotional reaction to some experience than it is the fault of the person who committed an act or behavior to which one responded.
These beliefs seems to assume that one has complete control over events which then leads to the assumption that everything bad that happens is someone’s fault. In fact many believe that even one’s emotional reaction is entirely the fault of the person who was operating the equipment or who performed the tasks that led to something negative happening.
I have often sat in courtrooms and listened to a colleague say that person B has been damaged for life by the emotional trauma they experienced but the action of person P. Many seem to act as it there is only one way to respond to a situation. To be sure, if you are the person who gets brutally sexually assaulted or the person who child or another loved one gets murdered or permanently disfigured or disabled as a result of either the carelessness or deliberate behavior of a deranged person or an extremist who is convinced he or she is doing the will of God you are going to be extremely sad. It is even natural to ask, “Why me?” It may even “natural” not to be able to imagine life going on without that person or without that person being able to live what is sometimes referred to as “a normal life.
We all also know people who always manage to view events in a more positive manner. Even the death of a child might engender a response such as, “Aren’t I lucky to have had this child with me for 7 wonderful years.” as opposed to “This is so unfair. I only had this child for 7 years. My life is ruined.” I have known many people who survived war experiences, the sudden death of a loved on or other sad evens with such an attitude.
To be sure the parent who loses a child and is not extremely sad is either in denial or unable for whatever reason to experience any emotions. On the other hand, to tell oneself what one should feel or that one cannot move on with one’s life is not about the child but about what one has learned about emotions and what one should or should not do as a result.
We all learn “rules” for what emotions we can or should have and what our emotions tell us about we are. We can easily form an identify with the emotion. Instead of I am a person who is sad I may identify as the sad person. Instead of a person living with cancer we become cancer or the person dying with cancer. What if we allow for the possibility that we are not our emotions. We experience some basic emotions and then we decide what they mean or do not mean. We may have learned how to make these decisions very early in life and never considered other options.
As in all areas of life, it is our job as adults to reexamine all we have been told is the truth – about our emotions and all aspects of this life journey.
If we have come to accept that we are victims of an emotional experience, that we cannot move on, that we cannot have a quality life following event X, that life is either positive or negative and not both, or that someone has to pay for a sad event before we can have closure then we have the right and I think the responsibility to step back and reexamine those messages.
Live shows up. Life is filled with positive and negatives experiences. We are stronger that we feel even at the worst of times. Justice does not demand that people have to suffer for the rest of their life because of a mistake or a stupid decision. It is true that we need to learn from our mistakes, that we need to own them and make amends when possible. It is not true that we have to accept that we are poor victims who can never experience joy again.
I work for/with many people who have experienced very sad and even tragic experiences. Although healing takes time they all can learn to move on and enjoy life. Often people have told me that it is not right that they are able to enjoy life if person D is dead or disabled. I do not believe that. We honor the lives of the deceased members of our community by celebrating their achievements and their joys and passing those on to others. We can always play it forward. When someone dies, and leave only a sad history, we can be grateful that they are finally at peace. We may or may not be in a position to help discover a cure or to support the research for a cure for the condition which make their lives miserable.
As adults, we have a choice about how to relate to our core emotions. If we just rely of what we learned about what she should feel and who we are as a result of a particular experience, we are cheating ourselves and all those whose lives we touch.
I am certainly not suggesting that we can should be a Pollyanna. Sad events are sad. They may also be an opportunity. I am convinced that whatever happens I can still experience joy and move on with my life.
Written June 5, 2017
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