Empathizing with tarnish
For some reason the other day I was thinking about a copper watering can I own. It was a gift of a dear friend many years ago. Every year or two I polish it, using copper polish to rub away the patina which has been forming since the last polish. Most of the time, however, I allow the condensation which brings airborne chemicals, including carbon dioxide, sulfur dioxide, hydrogen sulfide and even plain oxygen to mix with the copper molecules to form the tarnish or patina. (for more information see education.seattlepi.com)
The tarnish reminds me a lot my spiritual journey. Sometimes I spend some concentrated time exploring my spiritual growth – attempting to see myself more clearly and with more honesty. This may be in a retreat, a workshop, or another quiet setting. These are times when I hope to uncover the many layers which are me – some which approximate who I want to be spiritually, some which are muted shades of the me I am and the me I have been. In these settings the goal is to become much more spiritually and emotionally naked – to remove some of the tarnish. Soon, however, the complexity which is me, including my many blind spots and the patina which is the emerging creation of rich, deep colors of openness and biases begins to form from the interaction with the world outside, the teaching of my ancestors and whatever I have accumulated in this brief life journey.
I am fascinated both by the biases which sometimes seem to momentarily enrich my life and those which keeps me separated from parts of myself and from others. These biases may have originated at a very early age or are carried in my DNA from my ancestors. They may have originated from the cultural influences which I pick up every day - usually without any conscious awareness. These biases separate me from others and even from mother earth. When I simply accept that this is where I am today, even though it is not where I want to be tomorrow, I may be able to connect with others in an empathic way.
This morning I was reminded of one of my biases when I heard a social psychologist suggest that shame and guilt are useful for we humans. She was suggesting that experiencing shame and guilt helps we humans to move closer to being the humans we want to be. I immediately heard myself arguing with her and, in so doing, nearly missed hearing the next words of this wise, fascinating woman. I have learned to associate the words guilt and shame with the “You are a very bad sinner whom God cannot love unless you renounce all your sinful ways.” message of the Southern Baptist church I attended as a child and a young man. Often these sins were behaviors or feeling which were an integral part of me and which I, thus, could not change. Shame and guilt led me to be disdainful of myself for not morphing into a person whom God could love. Later, I would be able to claim a different understanding of the nature of we humans and the core message of Jesus, Buddha and other wise teachers. I would also learn to distinguish the difference between accountability and shame. I learned about accountability primarily from working with/for individuals who were involved in the 12-step recovery programs of AA and NA. I understand their teaching of accountability as having the courage to admit today of all the ways one is aware of having hurt oneself and others. In their paradigm the attempt is focused on accountability, making amends when possible and focusing on not repeating that or similar behavior. There is no mention of shame and guilt. In teir paradigm when my attention is on shame and guilt I am not working on being the best I can be today.
It is assumed in the 12-step program that all of we humans in general and all those in recovery from active addiction have hurt themselves and others. I have never worked with/for anyone who has suggested that they have never hurt themselves or others and, thus, cannot do a 4th step of writing about the ways in which they have done so.
As I continued to listen to the professor from Harvard I discovered that we agreed on much even though we words we use may be different. I am glad that I continued to work at hearing her and did not turn over the power to my biases about particular words or concepts.
It is my experience that my biases always limit me. If I begin to think that I have now reached a spiritual or moral state of being when I have no more biases or prejudices to uncover then I will stop growing. One of the basic laws of the universe is that “all is in a constant state of flux”. The pre-Socratic philosopher Heraclitus expressed this law this way, “You cannot step into the same river twice.” I hear this as meaning that either I am moving forward or backward in my spiritual growth.
In tomorrow blog I want to address some very specific recommendations for identifying and beginning to let go of some of our biases. In the process of doing this I will be introducing the Harvard professor whose heritage includes being a member of a very old religious group, the Zoroastrians. Although I had studied a little about this religious group I remembered next to nothing and have enjoyed opening my mind to learning more. In the process I have identified several biases which I now want to let go of.
As always I must begin this process by opening myself to the patina of colors and shades of all the beliefs which form who I am today – a tarnished, beautiful person who has much room to grow. If I allow myself to do this than I am capable of empathizing with the richness of the tarnished person which is me – the person which is “the other” – the person which is “the mirror”.
Written June 10, 2016
For some reason the other day I was thinking about a copper watering can I own. It was a gift of a dear friend many years ago. Every year or two I polish it, using copper polish to rub away the patina which has been forming since the last polish. Most of the time, however, I allow the condensation which brings airborne chemicals, including carbon dioxide, sulfur dioxide, hydrogen sulfide and even plain oxygen to mix with the copper molecules to form the tarnish or patina. (for more information see education.seattlepi.com)
The tarnish reminds me a lot my spiritual journey. Sometimes I spend some concentrated time exploring my spiritual growth – attempting to see myself more clearly and with more honesty. This may be in a retreat, a workshop, or another quiet setting. These are times when I hope to uncover the many layers which are me – some which approximate who I want to be spiritually, some which are muted shades of the me I am and the me I have been. In these settings the goal is to become much more spiritually and emotionally naked – to remove some of the tarnish. Soon, however, the complexity which is me, including my many blind spots and the patina which is the emerging creation of rich, deep colors of openness and biases begins to form from the interaction with the world outside, the teaching of my ancestors and whatever I have accumulated in this brief life journey.
I am fascinated both by the biases which sometimes seem to momentarily enrich my life and those which keeps me separated from parts of myself and from others. These biases may have originated at a very early age or are carried in my DNA from my ancestors. They may have originated from the cultural influences which I pick up every day - usually without any conscious awareness. These biases separate me from others and even from mother earth. When I simply accept that this is where I am today, even though it is not where I want to be tomorrow, I may be able to connect with others in an empathic way.
This morning I was reminded of one of my biases when I heard a social psychologist suggest that shame and guilt are useful for we humans. She was suggesting that experiencing shame and guilt helps we humans to move closer to being the humans we want to be. I immediately heard myself arguing with her and, in so doing, nearly missed hearing the next words of this wise, fascinating woman. I have learned to associate the words guilt and shame with the “You are a very bad sinner whom God cannot love unless you renounce all your sinful ways.” message of the Southern Baptist church I attended as a child and a young man. Often these sins were behaviors or feeling which were an integral part of me and which I, thus, could not change. Shame and guilt led me to be disdainful of myself for not morphing into a person whom God could love. Later, I would be able to claim a different understanding of the nature of we humans and the core message of Jesus, Buddha and other wise teachers. I would also learn to distinguish the difference between accountability and shame. I learned about accountability primarily from working with/for individuals who were involved in the 12-step recovery programs of AA and NA. I understand their teaching of accountability as having the courage to admit today of all the ways one is aware of having hurt oneself and others. In their paradigm the attempt is focused on accountability, making amends when possible and focusing on not repeating that or similar behavior. There is no mention of shame and guilt. In teir paradigm when my attention is on shame and guilt I am not working on being the best I can be today.
It is assumed in the 12-step program that all of we humans in general and all those in recovery from active addiction have hurt themselves and others. I have never worked with/for anyone who has suggested that they have never hurt themselves or others and, thus, cannot do a 4th step of writing about the ways in which they have done so.
As I continued to listen to the professor from Harvard I discovered that we agreed on much even though we words we use may be different. I am glad that I continued to work at hearing her and did not turn over the power to my biases about particular words or concepts.
It is my experience that my biases always limit me. If I begin to think that I have now reached a spiritual or moral state of being when I have no more biases or prejudices to uncover then I will stop growing. One of the basic laws of the universe is that “all is in a constant state of flux”. The pre-Socratic philosopher Heraclitus expressed this law this way, “You cannot step into the same river twice.” I hear this as meaning that either I am moving forward or backward in my spiritual growth.
In tomorrow blog I want to address some very specific recommendations for identifying and beginning to let go of some of our biases. In the process of doing this I will be introducing the Harvard professor whose heritage includes being a member of a very old religious group, the Zoroastrians. Although I had studied a little about this religious group I remembered next to nothing and have enjoyed opening my mind to learning more. In the process I have identified several biases which I now want to let go of.
As always I must begin this process by opening myself to the patina of colors and shades of all the beliefs which form who I am today – a tarnished, beautiful person who has much room to grow. If I allow myself to do this than I am capable of empathizing with the richness of the tarnished person which is me – the person which is “the other” – the person which is “the mirror”.
Written June 10, 2016
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