Empathy and shame
As difficult as it is for many of we humans to love and not judge others, the person whom we most struggle to love is ourselves.
We humans have a propensity to doubt our worth. It would be easy to blame this on the fact that there are so many ways in modern society which portray an idealized emotional and physical self. Most of us, from the time that we are very young will see hundreds of photographs a day depicting the “perfect” human specimen within a particular culture. There are television images, print images and digital images. There are real live people artfully clothed and tanned with body parts augmented via surgery, padded clothing and the use of various creams, paint, wigs and other design materials to project an image which is closer to the community ideal. This ability to alter our appearance is available to a wider segment of the population than was previously the case. Yet, even relatively poor people found the means to enhance their appearance unless they were forced to focus on basic survival as are homeless people, refugees, those incarcerated, and those living with chronic, debilitating illness such as addiction or mental illness.
Daily enterprising entrepreneurs offer us the right clothes, shoes, makeup, cars, jewelry, houses, hair style or color, breast or penis enhancements, teeth whitening, body piercing, tattoo, skin tone enhancer, vitamins or some other product which will make us more acceptable or attractive. There are shoes to make us appear taller or techniques to make seem less tall than those we might be dating.
There are also professions such as mine as well as self-help tools to help reclaim what most of us knew when we were born. At birth most of us knew that we were us. The daughter of friends of mine was born blind to very loving parents, grandparents and the support of the wonderful supportive services of the Blind Association in the city where she and her family reside. She has never learned that there is anything wrong with her. She is an amazingly gifted “old soul” who began to claim her place in the world at a very young age. At a very young age she knew to lovingly “lecture” business managers or attendants on accessibility for blind users. She “knows” that she is beautiful, smart, creative, talented and worthy of love.
A gay man I know who is in his thirties is convinced that if he had a larger penis, he would be heterosexual and not have committed the crimes which landed him in prison at an early age. Another man I know used drugs to numb himself out for years so that he did not have to face the belief that the was not lovable or worthy of respect. In fact, most addicts report that, from an early age, they felt as if they did not belong – that they were not good enough to claim a place in the society in which they were born.
In fairly recent history in some countries transgendered as well as gay, lesbian and bisexual people have begun to claim an honored and equal place in society; a place which so-called primitive tribes often knew was the birthright of all the members of the community. Yet, in the United States discriminatory laws are being passed to protect the comfort of those who need for we humans to stay in the acceptable slots in which the larger culture has placed them.
It is interesting that our ability to love others is directly correlated with our ability to love and accept ourselves. When we are unable to accept that we are enough we generally:
· Find some substance or activity to numb us so that we do not have to face the fear or belief that we are not enough.
· Try to prove our worth by proving that we are more than. We may use a point system such as:
o Bigger house - two points.
o More expensive car – 1 point.
o More and bigger toys - 2 points.
o Bigger bank account – 2 points.
o Bigger muscles - 1 point.
o Bigger penis and/or breasts – 1 point.
o Bigger bully – 1 point.
o More formal education – 1 point
o More perfect - 2 points.
Of course there is always someone with more points thus insuring that the battle is never won. We always need more, more, and more.
If we are very lucky we will come to the same conclusion that Father Kilian McDonnell, monk of St. John’s Abby, expresses in the beginning of his poem, Perfection, Perfection. The first few lines of this poem are:
I have had it with perfection.
I have packed my bags,
I am out of here,
Gone.
(For the complete poem go to: writers almanac.publiradio.org)
The irony or paradox is, of course, the less we strive to be something we are not and cannot be, the closer we come to being all that we can be.
Shame is the opposite of empathy. Shame is necessarily self-centered because it focuses on our fear that there is something wrong with us or lacking in us. The fact is, of course, that there is nothing wrong with us. Although we are well short of perfection we all have our particular gifts and special contributions to make. The motivational speaker and spiritual guide, Louise Hay, is fond of saying that “We are perfect in our imperfections.” Although some may have heard this saying the same way I originally heard it the first time I attended one of her workshops. I heard it as an overly simplistic, feel good, trite saying. Many years later, I am convinced that one could write volumes on the very complicated truth of this simple phrase.
When we have the courage to embrace the person we are – too short, bright, slow; athletic, non-athletic; fully abled or differently abled; male, female, gay, straight, bisexual, fluid, transgender; white, brown, yellow, black; Muslim, Christian, Hindi, atheist, agnostic; republican, democrat or whatever labels we have chosen or we have allowed to be attached to us, we are indeed enough.
Empathy for ourselves – accepting our humanness is a process for all of us.
Written June 1, 2016
As difficult as it is for many of we humans to love and not judge others, the person whom we most struggle to love is ourselves.
We humans have a propensity to doubt our worth. It would be easy to blame this on the fact that there are so many ways in modern society which portray an idealized emotional and physical self. Most of us, from the time that we are very young will see hundreds of photographs a day depicting the “perfect” human specimen within a particular culture. There are television images, print images and digital images. There are real live people artfully clothed and tanned with body parts augmented via surgery, padded clothing and the use of various creams, paint, wigs and other design materials to project an image which is closer to the community ideal. This ability to alter our appearance is available to a wider segment of the population than was previously the case. Yet, even relatively poor people found the means to enhance their appearance unless they were forced to focus on basic survival as are homeless people, refugees, those incarcerated, and those living with chronic, debilitating illness such as addiction or mental illness.
Daily enterprising entrepreneurs offer us the right clothes, shoes, makeup, cars, jewelry, houses, hair style or color, breast or penis enhancements, teeth whitening, body piercing, tattoo, skin tone enhancer, vitamins or some other product which will make us more acceptable or attractive. There are shoes to make us appear taller or techniques to make seem less tall than those we might be dating.
There are also professions such as mine as well as self-help tools to help reclaim what most of us knew when we were born. At birth most of us knew that we were us. The daughter of friends of mine was born blind to very loving parents, grandparents and the support of the wonderful supportive services of the Blind Association in the city where she and her family reside. She has never learned that there is anything wrong with her. She is an amazingly gifted “old soul” who began to claim her place in the world at a very young age. At a very young age she knew to lovingly “lecture” business managers or attendants on accessibility for blind users. She “knows” that she is beautiful, smart, creative, talented and worthy of love.
A gay man I know who is in his thirties is convinced that if he had a larger penis, he would be heterosexual and not have committed the crimes which landed him in prison at an early age. Another man I know used drugs to numb himself out for years so that he did not have to face the belief that the was not lovable or worthy of respect. In fact, most addicts report that, from an early age, they felt as if they did not belong – that they were not good enough to claim a place in the society in which they were born.
In fairly recent history in some countries transgendered as well as gay, lesbian and bisexual people have begun to claim an honored and equal place in society; a place which so-called primitive tribes often knew was the birthright of all the members of the community. Yet, in the United States discriminatory laws are being passed to protect the comfort of those who need for we humans to stay in the acceptable slots in which the larger culture has placed them.
It is interesting that our ability to love others is directly correlated with our ability to love and accept ourselves. When we are unable to accept that we are enough we generally:
· Find some substance or activity to numb us so that we do not have to face the fear or belief that we are not enough.
· Try to prove our worth by proving that we are more than. We may use a point system such as:
o Bigger house - two points.
o More expensive car – 1 point.
o More and bigger toys - 2 points.
o Bigger bank account – 2 points.
o Bigger muscles - 1 point.
o Bigger penis and/or breasts – 1 point.
o Bigger bully – 1 point.
o More formal education – 1 point
o More perfect - 2 points.
Of course there is always someone with more points thus insuring that the battle is never won. We always need more, more, and more.
If we are very lucky we will come to the same conclusion that Father Kilian McDonnell, monk of St. John’s Abby, expresses in the beginning of his poem, Perfection, Perfection. The first few lines of this poem are:
I have had it with perfection.
I have packed my bags,
I am out of here,
Gone.
(For the complete poem go to: writers almanac.publiradio.org)
The irony or paradox is, of course, the less we strive to be something we are not and cannot be, the closer we come to being all that we can be.
Shame is the opposite of empathy. Shame is necessarily self-centered because it focuses on our fear that there is something wrong with us or lacking in us. The fact is, of course, that there is nothing wrong with us. Although we are well short of perfection we all have our particular gifts and special contributions to make. The motivational speaker and spiritual guide, Louise Hay, is fond of saying that “We are perfect in our imperfections.” Although some may have heard this saying the same way I originally heard it the first time I attended one of her workshops. I heard it as an overly simplistic, feel good, trite saying. Many years later, I am convinced that one could write volumes on the very complicated truth of this simple phrase.
When we have the courage to embrace the person we are – too short, bright, slow; athletic, non-athletic; fully abled or differently abled; male, female, gay, straight, bisexual, fluid, transgender; white, brown, yellow, black; Muslim, Christian, Hindi, atheist, agnostic; republican, democrat or whatever labels we have chosen or we have allowed to be attached to us, we are indeed enough.
Empathy for ourselves – accepting our humanness is a process for all of us.
Written June 1, 2016
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