Empathy or a lifetime of being a victim
In my role as a professional counselor I need to be very mindful of the often-thin line between empathizing with someone who has been abused or is living with a miscarriage of justice and supporting their view of themselves as a professional victim. For example, a friend of mine was abused by her daughter who was drunk. My friend was hurt but mostly she is worried about her daughter who refuses to get help for her addiction. She will do what she needs to do to let her daughter know that she is very worried about her even if it means filing charges with the police. My friend will be fine. She knows that the behavior of the daughter is not about her but is about the addiction. Recently . I talked with another person who was sexually abused as a teenager. He has allowed this “secret” to have an enormous negative impact on his life for 18 years. I suggested that the abuse, while sad, did not have anything to do with him. It has to do with the illness of the abuser. While it affected this young man, it was not about him. Knowing he was sexually abused did not tell me anything about this young man other than he had been abused. While that is sad, it does not define him, tell me anything about his sexual orientation or demand that he continues to let this abuse direct his life dance. In many ways he had adopted the role of professional victim. He has also adopted the role of “shameful, worthless person”. He is being treated for acute clinical depression by a psychiatrist. He is also in treatment for many years of active addiction to drugs. I have no idea if he truly has a clinical depression or if his many years of a shameful, victim dance have resulted in the symptoms of depression. Certainly, his treatment of himself is depressing. It is not unusual for a person to have more than one illness. Many addicts also have a co-occurring mental illness diagnosis. Before that diagnosis is made, however, it will be important to see what happens as he begins to let go of the shameful, victim self-identification. It is entirely possible to grieve sad instances of injustice and to have a very joyful and positive life dance.
Some of the music identified as Holocaust Music – music written while living in the cruel situation of the death camps during WWII – is very moving and adds to the richness of the lives of those who wrote the music and those who now experience it. People I have known who lived through the painful, frightening years of Hitler, Mussolini, and Stalin often did so by practicing the serenity prayer – focusing on what they could control. Many of those who survive combat experience reasonably healthy, albeit with deep scars, did so by focusing on the positives in the midst of war. They did this without the use of recreational drugs which would limit their ability to respond to danger. Positives might be communication from home, a goody box from home, a sunrise, a moment with a loving friend, or some other treat. They did not deny the negatives but they also did not define the moment by just the negatives.
In our roles as helping professionals – counselors, physicians, judges, probation and parole officers, social workers, and teachers as well as others – we need to help individuals and families access their identification as whole humans’ beings; human beings who may have greatly suffered as victims of abuse but who are much more than that experience. They are people capable of expressing pain, experiencing joy, and dancing with safe loved ones. I have often heard counselors, social workers, physicians and judges say that an abusive or other sad experience has damaged someone for life; that they will never have the life they deserve. Certainly, the abusive experience or other sad trauma has changed them for life. It does not need to define them. We are all more than our sad and painful experiences. If we know hurt we can use that knowledge to be our best, kindest selves. Knowing pain frees one from the illusion that we can postpone dreams forever.
In short, we helping professionals must nor unwittingly steal a positive life experiences from those we serve by defining them as victims. In our rush for what passes for justice, although the intention might be positive, we create new levels of impotence. In other words, our behavior creates iatrogenic symptoms – the negative side effects of treatment.
Written August 19, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
In my role as a professional counselor I need to be very mindful of the often-thin line between empathizing with someone who has been abused or is living with a miscarriage of justice and supporting their view of themselves as a professional victim. For example, a friend of mine was abused by her daughter who was drunk. My friend was hurt but mostly she is worried about her daughter who refuses to get help for her addiction. She will do what she needs to do to let her daughter know that she is very worried about her even if it means filing charges with the police. My friend will be fine. She knows that the behavior of the daughter is not about her but is about the addiction. Recently . I talked with another person who was sexually abused as a teenager. He has allowed this “secret” to have an enormous negative impact on his life for 18 years. I suggested that the abuse, while sad, did not have anything to do with him. It has to do with the illness of the abuser. While it affected this young man, it was not about him. Knowing he was sexually abused did not tell me anything about this young man other than he had been abused. While that is sad, it does not define him, tell me anything about his sexual orientation or demand that he continues to let this abuse direct his life dance. In many ways he had adopted the role of professional victim. He has also adopted the role of “shameful, worthless person”. He is being treated for acute clinical depression by a psychiatrist. He is also in treatment for many years of active addiction to drugs. I have no idea if he truly has a clinical depression or if his many years of a shameful, victim dance have resulted in the symptoms of depression. Certainly, his treatment of himself is depressing. It is not unusual for a person to have more than one illness. Many addicts also have a co-occurring mental illness diagnosis. Before that diagnosis is made, however, it will be important to see what happens as he begins to let go of the shameful, victim self-identification. It is entirely possible to grieve sad instances of injustice and to have a very joyful and positive life dance.
Some of the music identified as Holocaust Music – music written while living in the cruel situation of the death camps during WWII – is very moving and adds to the richness of the lives of those who wrote the music and those who now experience it. People I have known who lived through the painful, frightening years of Hitler, Mussolini, and Stalin often did so by practicing the serenity prayer – focusing on what they could control. Many of those who survive combat experience reasonably healthy, albeit with deep scars, did so by focusing on the positives in the midst of war. They did this without the use of recreational drugs which would limit their ability to respond to danger. Positives might be communication from home, a goody box from home, a sunrise, a moment with a loving friend, or some other treat. They did not deny the negatives but they also did not define the moment by just the negatives.
In our roles as helping professionals – counselors, physicians, judges, probation and parole officers, social workers, and teachers as well as others – we need to help individuals and families access their identification as whole humans’ beings; human beings who may have greatly suffered as victims of abuse but who are much more than that experience. They are people capable of expressing pain, experiencing joy, and dancing with safe loved ones. I have often heard counselors, social workers, physicians and judges say that an abusive or other sad experience has damaged someone for life; that they will never have the life they deserve. Certainly, the abusive experience or other sad trauma has changed them for life. It does not need to define them. We are all more than our sad and painful experiences. If we know hurt we can use that knowledge to be our best, kindest selves. Knowing pain frees one from the illusion that we can postpone dreams forever.
In short, we helping professionals must nor unwittingly steal a positive life experiences from those we serve by defining them as victims. In our rush for what passes for justice, although the intention might be positive, we create new levels of impotence. In other words, our behavior creates iatrogenic symptoms – the negative side effects of treatment.
Written August 19, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
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