Empathy without being a Pollyanna
I have been writing on empathy for several days. I was thinking of the act of being empathetic this morning while watching a show which is on television on Sunday morning – at least in the Tampa area – entitled Lockup. This morning they were featuring a maximum security prison in Kentucky which houses all those in Kentucky who have been sentenced to be executed as well as others who have a very violent history. Some of those housed there are contrite and regretful of their past violent actions and some are not able to be contrite. Some could seemingly, without any regrets, murder a cell mate or one of the staff.
What might it mean to have empathy for these men (in this case it is all men)? Clearly it is not safe to trust some of them. Some insist that they have nothing to lose and would not hesitate to hurt one if one said or did something they did not like. In fact, some insist that they might get angry and strike out at whomever or whatever is close.
I also, as we near Memorial Day in the United States, think of so-called terrorists who would behead someone they labeled as a personal enemy or an enemy of the God of their understanding just as we will kill those who we label as terrorists. I think of historical figures and countries who have declared war on groups of people because of their country of which they are a citizen or because of their race, cultural heritage, sexual preference, the alleged deeds of them or their country. I think of the radical Christians, the radical Muslims, the KKK, the Nazis and so many others who are or were unable to honor what I see as the sacred connection with all other life.
There are clearly many who are unable to be empathetic and in whose presence I do or would feel fear. I do not think that I am fearful because I am fearful of dying. I think that I am fearful of pain and perhaps of fearful of reacting in a violent manner and, thus, giving them the power to a make me act in a way which is not consistent with my values.
At some level I know that many factors individually and/or collectively affect the functioning of my brain and thus my ability to make a decision consistent with my core values. As I age the most obvious example of this is the disease of Alzheimers which might be responsible for someone acting in a manner which has no regard for the rights of others. Brain tumors and many other factors can also result in delusional or paranoid thinking and put me in an instant fight or flight mode.
I am not convinced that I am in a position to ever judge another person. This, however, does not mean that I have to pretend that it is safe to be around another person. I truly believe that I could be one of the people in the maximum security prison in Kentucky or one in another state. I could be that innocent or guilty person convicted of murder and, perhaps, unable to care whether or not I killed another person. I could be a person of whom others need to be frightened or at least need to know that it is not safe to get close.
I am sure that we have all encountered that bright, cheery, isn’t the world wonderful person who makes one want to choke or vomit. I am sure we all have encountered that wait person who beams with good cheer even before one has had the first cup of coffee. One might feel like slapping that person while one tells them in a very mean way to just “Shut up and get my coffee.” One does not feel very empathetic. I suppose one could respond in kind and out sweet them. One could also be overly sweet to the violent person but that response is not likely to be received as sincere.
There are some evolved souls who, when someone threatens to attack them, can look at the person with such love that it pierces the hardest of hearts and the most damaged of brains making it impossible for them to follow through with being violent. I am not one of those people and can only think one person I know who is able to respectfully and lovingly do that.
It seems to me that empathy demands respect and that respect has to honor what the other person is capable of or not capable of. It also seems to me empathy demands that, “I see you and do not judge you but can respect your need for distance.
Although I label myself as a pacifist I have no idea of what it means to formulate a response to those who are violent. I do know that:
· Violence breeds violence breeds violence.
· That no one makes a decision to have a brain which is not able to consider the needs or rights of others. I do think some of us some of the time can allow our own fear to retreat to that unemotional, defensive place while others of us have something which prevents our brain from being empathetic.
· That intentionally spending millions of dollars on new nuclear weapons or new superguns that can fire a 25-round projectile through steel plates and leave a 5-inch hole is not the way to peace. (For more information just google United States Navy supergun.)
· That acting like a bully to stop the bully is almost never effective long term.
· That life is very short and in the long run it does not matter whether I live to be 20, 30 or 100. What does matter is that I do my best today to live a life which is consistent with my moral and ethical values.
· That I not assume that I know what demons, background, or neurological conditions others are living with.
· That I not pretend that the world is all rosy, loving and wonderful – especially at 7:00 a.m.
· That I not recommend any course of action which I am not able to follow myself.
· That it is all too easy to throw out such words or concepts as empathy – to act as if one has conquered all negative feelings and behavior.
Written May 29, 2016
I have been writing on empathy for several days. I was thinking of the act of being empathetic this morning while watching a show which is on television on Sunday morning – at least in the Tampa area – entitled Lockup. This morning they were featuring a maximum security prison in Kentucky which houses all those in Kentucky who have been sentenced to be executed as well as others who have a very violent history. Some of those housed there are contrite and regretful of their past violent actions and some are not able to be contrite. Some could seemingly, without any regrets, murder a cell mate or one of the staff.
What might it mean to have empathy for these men (in this case it is all men)? Clearly it is not safe to trust some of them. Some insist that they have nothing to lose and would not hesitate to hurt one if one said or did something they did not like. In fact, some insist that they might get angry and strike out at whomever or whatever is close.
I also, as we near Memorial Day in the United States, think of so-called terrorists who would behead someone they labeled as a personal enemy or an enemy of the God of their understanding just as we will kill those who we label as terrorists. I think of historical figures and countries who have declared war on groups of people because of their country of which they are a citizen or because of their race, cultural heritage, sexual preference, the alleged deeds of them or their country. I think of the radical Christians, the radical Muslims, the KKK, the Nazis and so many others who are or were unable to honor what I see as the sacred connection with all other life.
There are clearly many who are unable to be empathetic and in whose presence I do or would feel fear. I do not think that I am fearful because I am fearful of dying. I think that I am fearful of pain and perhaps of fearful of reacting in a violent manner and, thus, giving them the power to a make me act in a way which is not consistent with my values.
At some level I know that many factors individually and/or collectively affect the functioning of my brain and thus my ability to make a decision consistent with my core values. As I age the most obvious example of this is the disease of Alzheimers which might be responsible for someone acting in a manner which has no regard for the rights of others. Brain tumors and many other factors can also result in delusional or paranoid thinking and put me in an instant fight or flight mode.
I am not convinced that I am in a position to ever judge another person. This, however, does not mean that I have to pretend that it is safe to be around another person. I truly believe that I could be one of the people in the maximum security prison in Kentucky or one in another state. I could be that innocent or guilty person convicted of murder and, perhaps, unable to care whether or not I killed another person. I could be a person of whom others need to be frightened or at least need to know that it is not safe to get close.
I am sure that we have all encountered that bright, cheery, isn’t the world wonderful person who makes one want to choke or vomit. I am sure we all have encountered that wait person who beams with good cheer even before one has had the first cup of coffee. One might feel like slapping that person while one tells them in a very mean way to just “Shut up and get my coffee.” One does not feel very empathetic. I suppose one could respond in kind and out sweet them. One could also be overly sweet to the violent person but that response is not likely to be received as sincere.
There are some evolved souls who, when someone threatens to attack them, can look at the person with such love that it pierces the hardest of hearts and the most damaged of brains making it impossible for them to follow through with being violent. I am not one of those people and can only think one person I know who is able to respectfully and lovingly do that.
It seems to me that empathy demands respect and that respect has to honor what the other person is capable of or not capable of. It also seems to me empathy demands that, “I see you and do not judge you but can respect your need for distance.
Although I label myself as a pacifist I have no idea of what it means to formulate a response to those who are violent. I do know that:
· Violence breeds violence breeds violence.
· That no one makes a decision to have a brain which is not able to consider the needs or rights of others. I do think some of us some of the time can allow our own fear to retreat to that unemotional, defensive place while others of us have something which prevents our brain from being empathetic.
· That intentionally spending millions of dollars on new nuclear weapons or new superguns that can fire a 25-round projectile through steel plates and leave a 5-inch hole is not the way to peace. (For more information just google United States Navy supergun.)
· That acting like a bully to stop the bully is almost never effective long term.
· That life is very short and in the long run it does not matter whether I live to be 20, 30 or 100. What does matter is that I do my best today to live a life which is consistent with my moral and ethical values.
· That I not assume that I know what demons, background, or neurological conditions others are living with.
· That I not pretend that the world is all rosy, loving and wonderful – especially at 7:00 a.m.
· That I not recommend any course of action which I am not able to follow myself.
· That it is all too easy to throw out such words or concepts as empathy – to act as if one has conquered all negative feelings and behavior.
Written May 29, 2016
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