Expectations
I was talking to a friend about the seemingly impossible task of loving without expectations. Whether the expectations are of a person with whom one is in love, a child, or someone else, expectations impose conditions on love. One may say, “I love you unconditionally. If you would only x.” Even more conditional or perhaps more honest is, “If you loved me you would do Y.” The person with whom I was talking is aware of how difficult it has been for her to love another adult unconditionally. She has a five-year-old daughter who is much easier to love unconditionally. She knows that soon her daughter will be 14 and then 18 and then 30. The healthy part of her sincerely wants her daughter to make choices which are true to who she is and, yet, she is aware that there are choices which would frighten or sadden my friend. Speaking as a parent I know that it is not easy to keep one’s parenting mouth closed. I have memories of hearing myself say, “Perhaps you would be happier if… or Perhaps you want to consider ….” No matter how much I said that I wanted him to make his own choices, often I had strong opinions about which choices would work better for him. The truth is that it was not about working better for him. I would have been more comfortable with another choice. No matter how often I repeated that, “I will love you no matter what you choose” I am sure, at times, it felt as if my respect and love was conditional.
Even more difficult for me is letting go of expectations regarding situations. It seems to me that most, if not all, of my anxiety originates from worrying about the outcome of situations. Even after I have done all I can do I am prone to making my internal peace – my quality of life – dependent on a particular outcome. I am very good at saying and believing at a cognitive level “I will always get what I need to learn the spiritual lessons I need to learn.” or “I will be fine no matter what the outcome of this situation. I have always survived and even thrived when a situation did not turn out the way I had hoped it would.” Often, I say that I will be fine no matter what happens and then I lay awake worrying or thinking about the outcome. I obsessively think about how much I “need” the situation to end with x result. My stomach tenses, my breath becomes shallow, and I lose my focus.
I have lived over 76 years and I have been very blessed to have survived what first appeared to be negative outcomes. Negative outcomes are outcomes which are different from what I expected or thought I needed.
Loss of job or not getting the job I wanted, a sick child, finding out I had an illness, death of a relationship or the physical death of a loved one, a house not selling, a poor grade on a test or for a course are among the disappointments of my life journey. Yet, even sadness or disappointment has eventually led me to another positive outcome. I am not suggesting that events such as the sudden death of a loved one are positive. I am suggesting all events in this life journey open new doors. While I am not suggesting any of us welcome sad or negative events. I am suggesting it is safe to grieve and then, with a smile, greet the next outcome or step in this journey.
Letting go of the belief that I can only relax or I can only have a good life if X happens and if it happens in the time period I think it “needs” to happen is important if I want to take another step in the goal towards being physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy. Obviously this is a process. I cannot whip myself into achieving this goal. I can gently remind myself to practice my yoga breathing and gently correct the messages in my head. “It is safe to relax. No matter what the outcome I will be fine. I do not need the anxiety.” I have made a lot of progress toward letting go of expectations, but I will continue to be reminded that this too is a process. I do not need to be anxious about potential outcomes. At whatever point I notice my anxiousness I can just smile and allow myself to enjoy the moment whatever that moment brings. Perhaps if I l1ve to be 999 I will get good at this goal. Perhaps I will not!
Written July 21, 2016
I was talking to a friend about the seemingly impossible task of loving without expectations. Whether the expectations are of a person with whom one is in love, a child, or someone else, expectations impose conditions on love. One may say, “I love you unconditionally. If you would only x.” Even more conditional or perhaps more honest is, “If you loved me you would do Y.” The person with whom I was talking is aware of how difficult it has been for her to love another adult unconditionally. She has a five-year-old daughter who is much easier to love unconditionally. She knows that soon her daughter will be 14 and then 18 and then 30. The healthy part of her sincerely wants her daughter to make choices which are true to who she is and, yet, she is aware that there are choices which would frighten or sadden my friend. Speaking as a parent I know that it is not easy to keep one’s parenting mouth closed. I have memories of hearing myself say, “Perhaps you would be happier if… or Perhaps you want to consider ….” No matter how much I said that I wanted him to make his own choices, often I had strong opinions about which choices would work better for him. The truth is that it was not about working better for him. I would have been more comfortable with another choice. No matter how often I repeated that, “I will love you no matter what you choose” I am sure, at times, it felt as if my respect and love was conditional.
Even more difficult for me is letting go of expectations regarding situations. It seems to me that most, if not all, of my anxiety originates from worrying about the outcome of situations. Even after I have done all I can do I am prone to making my internal peace – my quality of life – dependent on a particular outcome. I am very good at saying and believing at a cognitive level “I will always get what I need to learn the spiritual lessons I need to learn.” or “I will be fine no matter what the outcome of this situation. I have always survived and even thrived when a situation did not turn out the way I had hoped it would.” Often, I say that I will be fine no matter what happens and then I lay awake worrying or thinking about the outcome. I obsessively think about how much I “need” the situation to end with x result. My stomach tenses, my breath becomes shallow, and I lose my focus.
I have lived over 76 years and I have been very blessed to have survived what first appeared to be negative outcomes. Negative outcomes are outcomes which are different from what I expected or thought I needed.
Loss of job or not getting the job I wanted, a sick child, finding out I had an illness, death of a relationship or the physical death of a loved one, a house not selling, a poor grade on a test or for a course are among the disappointments of my life journey. Yet, even sadness or disappointment has eventually led me to another positive outcome. I am not suggesting that events such as the sudden death of a loved one are positive. I am suggesting all events in this life journey open new doors. While I am not suggesting any of us welcome sad or negative events. I am suggesting it is safe to grieve and then, with a smile, greet the next outcome or step in this journey.
Letting go of the belief that I can only relax or I can only have a good life if X happens and if it happens in the time period I think it “needs” to happen is important if I want to take another step in the goal towards being physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy. Obviously this is a process. I cannot whip myself into achieving this goal. I can gently remind myself to practice my yoga breathing and gently correct the messages in my head. “It is safe to relax. No matter what the outcome I will be fine. I do not need the anxiety.” I have made a lot of progress toward letting go of expectations, but I will continue to be reminded that this too is a process. I do not need to be anxious about potential outcomes. At whatever point I notice my anxiousness I can just smile and allow myself to enjoy the moment whatever that moment brings. Perhaps if I l1ve to be 999 I will get good at this goal. Perhaps I will not!
Written July 21, 2016
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