Expectations
I have previously written about relationships and expectations. Yet, it is a subject to which I must personally return daily. It is so easy to blame people, places and things for my positive or negative mood on any given day or any hour of any given day. A part of me is well aware that it is always my expectations which have so much effect on my mood. If some person, place or thing is not what I expect at any given moment I often get upset. This makes no sense. I know of course:
These are very simple truths. Theoretically, I “should” be able to internalize them and react on the basis of them. Simple enough. Then why do I frequently act surprised, angry, disappointed, or harbor resentments when other people, places and things do not follow my carefully outlined plan for the day?
By 6:00. a.m. this morning I had “miffed (not anger exactly!) feelings directed at two friends who had been “ignoring me”. Of course, I “know” that they have a life separate from me which affects their ability to nurture relationships. Both are on a healing journey, but as is true for all of us, it is indeed a journey and not a destination. They are still human and have lives separate from our relationship. The fact that they did not respond to communications the past few days has nothing to do with me even though it affected me. Truth be told, I also have a very busy life and was not exactly sitting around waiting for their responses. Yet, when I had a second to realize they had not responded my first thought was they were ignoring me. Many times, each day I momentarily think of someone with whom I have not connected recently and may or may not write down a time to call or write them. The fact that although I write a lot of letters, often pick up the phone, and use social medical, email, and messaging, to stay in touch with friends my good intentions often do not become manifest reality. This has nothing to do with how much I care about particular people This has everything to do with the decisions I make regarding my priorities. The simple truth is that some days – actually most days – I have more on my plate than I can possibly accomplish. While I try to make relationships primary I still run out of time. Some days I have a little time left but no energy. I am not intentionally ignoring anyone although I am intentionally setting priorities and making decisions. If someone’s feelings are hurt or someone feels neglected I will again examine my priorities and possibly make new decisions about my schedule.
Sometimes no matter what I do or do not do another person is angry at me because I did not meet their expectations or perceived needs. I can empathize, even apologize, but no matter what I do they may decide that my action or inaction is unforgiveable. That may leave me feeling sad but I do not need to beat myself up. If appropriate I will apologize. I may have said something in anger, or inadvertently hit a nerve. Often, however, I simply was not able to be the person they thought that I was or should be. Each of us tends to create a designer model of what we want another to be. This designer model often bears little resemblance to the actual person. When someone does not accept this designer costume personality then the designer may be angry or “disappointed”. We can all do this to others; partners, parents, teachers, mentors, sponsors, employers or friends. We confuse our designer model with the actual person. Seldom are designer models’ human. Real people are human which may result in grave disappointment. We may need to smile while accepting this simple truth.
Written May 15, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
I have previously written about relationships and expectations. Yet, it is a subject to which I must personally return daily. It is so easy to blame people, places and things for my positive or negative mood on any given day or any hour of any given day. A part of me is well aware that it is always my expectations which have so much effect on my mood. If some person, place or thing is not what I expect at any given moment I often get upset. This makes no sense. I know of course:
- I am not the center of the universe.
- Other people have their own feeling, thoughts, history, fears, and desires which determine the decisions they make.
- Mother nature decides what to do on any given day without considering how her actions affect me.
- Things do what things do. They work or just are. They wear out, change form, break down, or cease to be independent of my needs.
These are very simple truths. Theoretically, I “should” be able to internalize them and react on the basis of them. Simple enough. Then why do I frequently act surprised, angry, disappointed, or harbor resentments when other people, places and things do not follow my carefully outlined plan for the day?
By 6:00. a.m. this morning I had “miffed (not anger exactly!) feelings directed at two friends who had been “ignoring me”. Of course, I “know” that they have a life separate from me which affects their ability to nurture relationships. Both are on a healing journey, but as is true for all of us, it is indeed a journey and not a destination. They are still human and have lives separate from our relationship. The fact that they did not respond to communications the past few days has nothing to do with me even though it affected me. Truth be told, I also have a very busy life and was not exactly sitting around waiting for their responses. Yet, when I had a second to realize they had not responded my first thought was they were ignoring me. Many times, each day I momentarily think of someone with whom I have not connected recently and may or may not write down a time to call or write them. The fact that although I write a lot of letters, often pick up the phone, and use social medical, email, and messaging, to stay in touch with friends my good intentions often do not become manifest reality. This has nothing to do with how much I care about particular people This has everything to do with the decisions I make regarding my priorities. The simple truth is that some days – actually most days – I have more on my plate than I can possibly accomplish. While I try to make relationships primary I still run out of time. Some days I have a little time left but no energy. I am not intentionally ignoring anyone although I am intentionally setting priorities and making decisions. If someone’s feelings are hurt or someone feels neglected I will again examine my priorities and possibly make new decisions about my schedule.
Sometimes no matter what I do or do not do another person is angry at me because I did not meet their expectations or perceived needs. I can empathize, even apologize, but no matter what I do they may decide that my action or inaction is unforgiveable. That may leave me feeling sad but I do not need to beat myself up. If appropriate I will apologize. I may have said something in anger, or inadvertently hit a nerve. Often, however, I simply was not able to be the person they thought that I was or should be. Each of us tends to create a designer model of what we want another to be. This designer model often bears little resemblance to the actual person. When someone does not accept this designer costume personality then the designer may be angry or “disappointed”. We can all do this to others; partners, parents, teachers, mentors, sponsors, employers or friends. We confuse our designer model with the actual person. Seldom are designer models’ human. Real people are human which may result in grave disappointment. We may need to smile while accepting this simple truth.
Written May 15, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
RSS Feed