Facing our Fears
I often remind myself and teach others that in order to heal (otherwise known as growing spiritually) we have to pull up our big girl or boy pants and face ourselves as we are. Being human, this includes facing our fears. We may tell ourselves that we are not afraid of anything, but the truth is all of us have fears. Mostly the fear has to do with emotional issues including the fear of losing the illusion of control. Just this morning I was visiting with a good friend in the hospital who has been living with cancer and more recently the side affects of the treatment of cancer. She is not fearful of dying. She is, at times, fearful, of not being treated with dignity and respect while she is living. Since being in the hospital she has again been acutely aware of the difference it makes with a health care professions actually listens to her. She is fine with health care people not knowing what is going on or what the best course of treatment is. She is not fine with health care professional not listening when she has a concern or thinks they need to attend to some aspect of her health which they have been ignoring. For example, for days she has been talking about the fact that there has been little attention paid to her back. She has serious back issues. Laying in bed, sitting in a chair which does not support her back, not getting physical therapy/therapeutic yoga makes her back worse. When her back is under more stress there is more pain and when there is more pain the rest of the body is using energy that it needs to devote to the healing process.
What is it that keeps we health care professionals from listening? The excuses may include: “I know best. I am busy. It is not my job to treat the back. I have a more important job to do.” Yet listening to the patient, taking the time to be present would make us less busy and increase the patient’s respect for us which, obviously, then increases the opportunity for the patient and the health care professional to work as a team. The truth is that many of we health care professionals are fearful that if we do not know the answer, are wrong about something, or need to ask for help, we may not know who we are. If we are not all knowing and “right” then who are we? We are just another human doing a very imperfect job. In other words, our ego gets in the way. The ego is, of course, very necessary if we want to avoid the fear that we are not enough. All of us have this same fear. We often deal with this fear by avoiding it and attempting to fill in that void of not being enough with education, titles, things, convincing ourselves we are better then or smarter then or healthier than. We may also just try to numb ourselves with work, alcohol, other drugs, sex, gambling, or exercise. Of course, none of this is ever enough. We become more and more distant from ourselves which includes our fear. When we are distant from ourselves we are distant from each other and from any sense of higher power or community. We are very lonely which causes more pain which causes more need to avoid the pain which. . . .
Is it any wonder that he cannot hear and do not want to listen to the patients/clients we are meant to serve?
Some of the wisest and best doctors are those who have been patients themselves or have lived with some condition which has forced them to deal with their fears. Doctors such as Dr. Rachel Remen, Dr. Mark Salemo, and Dr. Oliver Sachs to name a couple. Some of them have written books which are more helpful than anything they could have written prior to having to face their physical and/or emotional pain. All of them have had to face the truth of the illusion of control.
My friend Cheryl worked as a psychiatric social worker and addiction counselor. Often her clients were other health care professional. She was very effective at inviting others to open the door to healing because she had long faced our own emotional and physical pain. When I was first diagnosed with AIDS – with treatment HIV positive – I became very open publicly about living with my illness. All my clients knew of my illness. I would answer any questions they had. A few people were too frightened of the illness to see professionally. Most did not care. They were just concerned about if and how I could be helpful to them. Some colleagues are fearful that sharing personal information such as this will take the focus off the patient. It does take the focus off the patient as a patient. It allows for more of a relationship which again allows for the possibility of hearing the concerns of the patient. Of course, we health care professionals must remember that the needs of the patient/client are primary.
This weekend my friends from Pittsburgh were visiting. Their return flight was delayed and they got home much later than planned. I am sure that the one who is a physician will be honest with patients today when they notice that he is tried. Lying to them would make them doubt their own perceptions. Now, they do not need the details of why he is tired although he may just tell them that he had a delayed flight and did not get much rest.
The poet Rumi writes, “Close both eyes to see with the other eye.” Father Gregory Boyle writing in his book Tattoos on My Heart (page 133) about his quote from Rumi: “Finding and seeing beyond our sense of being separate, our mutuality with the other is hard won.”
Another time Father Gregory in the same book writes, “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a covenant between equals.” (p. 77)
It is my personal belief that compassion is the basis of all healing. Healing, as we know, is not about living forever nor is it about Cheryl’s back returning to its pre-injury condition or my body becoming free of HIV infection. Healing is about being present. It is about being present to our own truth, including the truth of our emotional and physical pain. It is about being present with our own bodies; about being present no matter on what side of the desk we are sitting.
Pema Chodron in her CD, “From Fear to Fearlessness” reminds us that it is only through knowing fear that we become fearless. Most of us do just the opposite. We try to avoid facing our fear in hopes that we will not have to experience it. Often as health care professionals we try to avoid our own fears under the guise of “helping” or “protecting” the patient. We say to the patient directly or indirectly, “I will protect you and pretend that you are going to be okay. I will protect you from the truth or I will protect you from my truth.” The patient/client does not feel protected or respected although at times they do say they do not want to know. If today you look up the definition of compassion one will often find that it includes the intent to relieve the pain of the other. I and many others are suggesting that that is not compassion. Compassion is about showing up with love to ourselves which then allows up to show up with others.
Of all the help which my friend Cheryl has gotten in the hospital, the help which is most appreciated is that which is delivered with honestly and loving kindness. “Yes, you are sick. No we do not know if you can physically get well. Yes, you are worth listening to. Yes, I am willing to meet you in the midst of the pain.”
I often remind myself and teach others that in order to heal (otherwise known as growing spiritually) we have to pull up our big girl or boy pants and face ourselves as we are. Being human, this includes facing our fears. We may tell ourselves that we are not afraid of anything, but the truth is all of us have fears. Mostly the fear has to do with emotional issues including the fear of losing the illusion of control. Just this morning I was visiting with a good friend in the hospital who has been living with cancer and more recently the side affects of the treatment of cancer. She is not fearful of dying. She is, at times, fearful, of not being treated with dignity and respect while she is living. Since being in the hospital she has again been acutely aware of the difference it makes with a health care professions actually listens to her. She is fine with health care people not knowing what is going on or what the best course of treatment is. She is not fine with health care professional not listening when she has a concern or thinks they need to attend to some aspect of her health which they have been ignoring. For example, for days she has been talking about the fact that there has been little attention paid to her back. She has serious back issues. Laying in bed, sitting in a chair which does not support her back, not getting physical therapy/therapeutic yoga makes her back worse. When her back is under more stress there is more pain and when there is more pain the rest of the body is using energy that it needs to devote to the healing process.
What is it that keeps we health care professionals from listening? The excuses may include: “I know best. I am busy. It is not my job to treat the back. I have a more important job to do.” Yet listening to the patient, taking the time to be present would make us less busy and increase the patient’s respect for us which, obviously, then increases the opportunity for the patient and the health care professional to work as a team. The truth is that many of we health care professionals are fearful that if we do not know the answer, are wrong about something, or need to ask for help, we may not know who we are. If we are not all knowing and “right” then who are we? We are just another human doing a very imperfect job. In other words, our ego gets in the way. The ego is, of course, very necessary if we want to avoid the fear that we are not enough. All of us have this same fear. We often deal with this fear by avoiding it and attempting to fill in that void of not being enough with education, titles, things, convincing ourselves we are better then or smarter then or healthier than. We may also just try to numb ourselves with work, alcohol, other drugs, sex, gambling, or exercise. Of course, none of this is ever enough. We become more and more distant from ourselves which includes our fear. When we are distant from ourselves we are distant from each other and from any sense of higher power or community. We are very lonely which causes more pain which causes more need to avoid the pain which. . . .
Is it any wonder that he cannot hear and do not want to listen to the patients/clients we are meant to serve?
Some of the wisest and best doctors are those who have been patients themselves or have lived with some condition which has forced them to deal with their fears. Doctors such as Dr. Rachel Remen, Dr. Mark Salemo, and Dr. Oliver Sachs to name a couple. Some of them have written books which are more helpful than anything they could have written prior to having to face their physical and/or emotional pain. All of them have had to face the truth of the illusion of control.
My friend Cheryl worked as a psychiatric social worker and addiction counselor. Often her clients were other health care professional. She was very effective at inviting others to open the door to healing because she had long faced our own emotional and physical pain. When I was first diagnosed with AIDS – with treatment HIV positive – I became very open publicly about living with my illness. All my clients knew of my illness. I would answer any questions they had. A few people were too frightened of the illness to see professionally. Most did not care. They were just concerned about if and how I could be helpful to them. Some colleagues are fearful that sharing personal information such as this will take the focus off the patient. It does take the focus off the patient as a patient. It allows for more of a relationship which again allows for the possibility of hearing the concerns of the patient. Of course, we health care professionals must remember that the needs of the patient/client are primary.
This weekend my friends from Pittsburgh were visiting. Their return flight was delayed and they got home much later than planned. I am sure that the one who is a physician will be honest with patients today when they notice that he is tried. Lying to them would make them doubt their own perceptions. Now, they do not need the details of why he is tired although he may just tell them that he had a delayed flight and did not get much rest.
The poet Rumi writes, “Close both eyes to see with the other eye.” Father Gregory Boyle writing in his book Tattoos on My Heart (page 133) about his quote from Rumi: “Finding and seeing beyond our sense of being separate, our mutuality with the other is hard won.”
Another time Father Gregory in the same book writes, “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a covenant between equals.” (p. 77)
It is my personal belief that compassion is the basis of all healing. Healing, as we know, is not about living forever nor is it about Cheryl’s back returning to its pre-injury condition or my body becoming free of HIV infection. Healing is about being present. It is about being present to our own truth, including the truth of our emotional and physical pain. It is about being present with our own bodies; about being present no matter on what side of the desk we are sitting.
Pema Chodron in her CD, “From Fear to Fearlessness” reminds us that it is only through knowing fear that we become fearless. Most of us do just the opposite. We try to avoid facing our fear in hopes that we will not have to experience it. Often as health care professionals we try to avoid our own fears under the guise of “helping” or “protecting” the patient. We say to the patient directly or indirectly, “I will protect you and pretend that you are going to be okay. I will protect you from the truth or I will protect you from my truth.” The patient/client does not feel protected or respected although at times they do say they do not want to know. If today you look up the definition of compassion one will often find that it includes the intent to relieve the pain of the other. I and many others are suggesting that that is not compassion. Compassion is about showing up with love to ourselves which then allows up to show up with others.
Of all the help which my friend Cheryl has gotten in the hospital, the help which is most appreciated is that which is delivered with honestly and loving kindness. “Yes, you are sick. No we do not know if you can physically get well. Yes, you are worth listening to. Yes, I am willing to meet you in the midst of the pain.”
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