Failing vs being a failure=
None of us likes to fail. Yet, most of us set goals and often fail to achieve them. We fail because:
• We set unrealistic goals.
• We are powerless over people, places or things.
• We did not know what we were doing.
• We lied to ourselves and/or someone else about our goal.
• We needed to discover what does not work.
• We did not listen.
• We did not take responsibility for our part in the task.
• We set a goal which we was not going to lead us where we needed to be.
Failing is, of course, a symptom of having tried to accomplish something. Many research scientists may spend their entire professional life finding out what does not work. Successful actors have to learn to accept rejection. Those of us who work for/with those addicted to alcohol and other substances need to be prepared to fail a lot if we define success as a person staying in recovery and staying alive. In fact, those of us who work for/with anyone living with a chronic illness such as addiction quickly learn a relatively small percentage of people will live to enjoy a long or full life. This is also true for many of those who live with other chronic illnesses.
Thursday the partner of a young man - the mother of his children - questioned what I was doing to help the young man. “Whatever I was doing was not helping their relationship or their family life.” Of course, the young man had a different story. Prior to her call I had been told by another member of his treatment team he had probably relapsed. I was to see him Thursday evening, but he did not show for his appointment and did not respond to my attempts to call him or text him. Friday morning, he was found responsive and shortly thereafter pronounced dead. I assume he relapsed but there could have been another medical issue. Nothing I did kept him alive or helped him be the partner and father I believed he sincerely he wanted to be.
Recently another young man challenged me to take an honest look at my own behavior and how it affected him and others. He encourage me to not become defensive. In his eyes I had failed to live up to my commitment to our friendship. His experience is that I failed to be a good friend. I cannot argue with his reality. I must do my best to step back and identify what I can learn from this experience.
My friends frequently challenge me to grow emotionally and spiritually. I intentionally surround myself with people who are committed to tickling my heart and my mind.
In my chosen profession the nature of the work is such that I am going to fail if the goal is to cure people of their chronic illness. I can, of course, do my best to educate and train them to use new tools to take care of themselves, but I cannot erase the old triggers to past self-destructive behavior or control all the factors which affect their illness.
As is true for many of us humans, when I find that I failed to set an achievable goal or have failed in what I thought was possible, my first thought is that I am a failure rather than I failed in this instance. I have to intentionally remind myself that I am not my profession or a particular goal. I may often fail. The consequences may be very serious. Ironically, if I identify with my failure I am likely to fail more frequently in the future.
If my new goal is to be a perfect human and never fail I will be a failure.
It would easy at times to succumb to the temptation of quit taking risks. Certainly, I would like to limit my risks; to take more educated risks. Yet, the opposite of risk and, thus, the opposite of failure is to quit living. That is, perhaps, the biggest failure of all.
Written September 5, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett, LPC, AADC
coachpickett.org
None of us likes to fail. Yet, most of us set goals and often fail to achieve them. We fail because:
• We set unrealistic goals.
• We are powerless over people, places or things.
• We did not know what we were doing.
• We lied to ourselves and/or someone else about our goal.
• We needed to discover what does not work.
• We did not listen.
• We did not take responsibility for our part in the task.
• We set a goal which we was not going to lead us where we needed to be.
Failing is, of course, a symptom of having tried to accomplish something. Many research scientists may spend their entire professional life finding out what does not work. Successful actors have to learn to accept rejection. Those of us who work for/with those addicted to alcohol and other substances need to be prepared to fail a lot if we define success as a person staying in recovery and staying alive. In fact, those of us who work for/with anyone living with a chronic illness such as addiction quickly learn a relatively small percentage of people will live to enjoy a long or full life. This is also true for many of those who live with other chronic illnesses.
Thursday the partner of a young man - the mother of his children - questioned what I was doing to help the young man. “Whatever I was doing was not helping their relationship or their family life.” Of course, the young man had a different story. Prior to her call I had been told by another member of his treatment team he had probably relapsed. I was to see him Thursday evening, but he did not show for his appointment and did not respond to my attempts to call him or text him. Friday morning, he was found responsive and shortly thereafter pronounced dead. I assume he relapsed but there could have been another medical issue. Nothing I did kept him alive or helped him be the partner and father I believed he sincerely he wanted to be.
Recently another young man challenged me to take an honest look at my own behavior and how it affected him and others. He encourage me to not become defensive. In his eyes I had failed to live up to my commitment to our friendship. His experience is that I failed to be a good friend. I cannot argue with his reality. I must do my best to step back and identify what I can learn from this experience.
My friends frequently challenge me to grow emotionally and spiritually. I intentionally surround myself with people who are committed to tickling my heart and my mind.
In my chosen profession the nature of the work is such that I am going to fail if the goal is to cure people of their chronic illness. I can, of course, do my best to educate and train them to use new tools to take care of themselves, but I cannot erase the old triggers to past self-destructive behavior or control all the factors which affect their illness.
As is true for many of us humans, when I find that I failed to set an achievable goal or have failed in what I thought was possible, my first thought is that I am a failure rather than I failed in this instance. I have to intentionally remind myself that I am not my profession or a particular goal. I may often fail. The consequences may be very serious. Ironically, if I identify with my failure I am likely to fail more frequently in the future.
If my new goal is to be a perfect human and never fail I will be a failure.
It would easy at times to succumb to the temptation of quit taking risks. Certainly, I would like to limit my risks; to take more educated risks. Yet, the opposite of risk and, thus, the opposite of failure is to quit living. That is, perhaps, the biggest failure of all.
Written September 5, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett, LPC, AADC
coachpickett.org
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