Falling in love with half a person
For many years, I have worked with/for individuals in abusive relationships. I have worked with/for those who are abusive and those who abuse. Often by the time I see an individual or a family there is a great deal of emotional pain and scaring as well as possible permanent physical damage. Yet, as my colleagues who work with domestic violence will attest, it is not uncommon to hear someone who has been acutely abused say, “I love him/her.”
Even when there is not physical abuse or overt emotional abuse but the person is not able, for whatever, reason, to be consistently loving and present, I may hear, “I love him/her. I miss him/her.” I often point out that they have indicated that they are angry at the person a lot of the time and have little, if any, respect for the person. Who is it that they love? They may again reply. “I love him/her.”
The truth is that they love the parts of the person who is sometimes nice and/or they love the person they have created in their mind – a fictional character who may have little to do with the real person. They love the person that they want the person to be, the person they though the person was or the person who is nice during the honeymoon phase of the relationship following an abusive incident. True, the abusive person, may be a very good person, but are controlled at times by their fear, by alcohol or other drugs, or by the insecurity which leads them to be controlling.
Another common statement is for the abused person to blame themselves for the abuse. They may say, “If I was just nicer, If I did not spend so much on groceries, If I could look like I did when we were first dating then the person would not act that way.” That of course, is not true. The insecure person may justify his/her abuse, but the truth is that no one causes them to be abusive. It is true that they may have unresolved traumatic issues from their past but their partner cannot heal or resolve those issues, True, if the abusive person goes to treatment and does the work to heal, their partner can be supportive and possibly forgiving. I have seen many people do the work they need to do to heal and grow to be the loving person with whom their partner fell in love. Often when I attend 12 step meetings and hear the stories of those who have and continue to work a recovery program, I am awed by the ability of the person to make enormous changes in how they think and act – changes that their partner can trust.
Another common occurrence is the result of growing up in an abusive family. The abuse may have been emotional, physical or both (all physical abuse is, of course, emotional). Often even when a family member is abusive we associate family with love. We may even think abuse is a normal part of love. Because of this association we are attracted to love relationships which remind us of our family of origin. We may unconsciously think, if someone is abusive they are like our family of origin and must love us. Murray Bowen, the famous family therapist and author, said that we will unconsciously duplicate our family of origin, even if abusive, until we identify and change the messages we internalized living in our family of origin.
If we stay in an abusive situation long enough we will internalize/come to deeply believe, many of the lies. This lies may include:
Healing will include identifying as many of these lies (over time) as possible and correcting them. Frequent a therapist and a support group of others people with an abusive history can help with this healing process.
Of course, healthy, loving partners are still human. Healthy people have off moments or days, but they do not blame their partner and have some method of identifying the problem and resolving it over time. Heathy partners never:
Obviously there are many other qualities which we strive to bring to a healthy relationship. The key is that we have a commitment to do so. We are committed to intentional living.
One cannot fall in love with half a person. One can certainly fall in love with someone who later is unavailable because of injury or illness, but it is not possible to fall in love with someone who is abusive from the beginning of the relationship or to stay in love with someone who is abusive for other than medical reasons (including PTSD).
Careful, accurate language is very powerful. If I am in love with the person I want you to be, then I am not in love with you. I am in love with this fictional character or with less than a whole person. I once talked to a friend who had a date with someone who was rude and unkind. She came back from the date and announced that she really liked this person. I asked her to attempt to identify what she liked about this person. She finally was able to say that she really liked his nose which may have reminded her of someone in her family she loved. I suggested that she get an artificial nose from the costume shop and carry it in her purse. It was impossible to have a relationship with just this person’s nose. She fortunately realized how unrealistic she was being.
So the next time you hear someone or yourself saying you love someone who is abusive, you might want to correct your statement and admit that you love a fictional person.
Written April 6, 2017
For many years, I have worked with/for individuals in abusive relationships. I have worked with/for those who are abusive and those who abuse. Often by the time I see an individual or a family there is a great deal of emotional pain and scaring as well as possible permanent physical damage. Yet, as my colleagues who work with domestic violence will attest, it is not uncommon to hear someone who has been acutely abused say, “I love him/her.”
Even when there is not physical abuse or overt emotional abuse but the person is not able, for whatever, reason, to be consistently loving and present, I may hear, “I love him/her. I miss him/her.” I often point out that they have indicated that they are angry at the person a lot of the time and have little, if any, respect for the person. Who is it that they love? They may again reply. “I love him/her.”
The truth is that they love the parts of the person who is sometimes nice and/or they love the person they have created in their mind – a fictional character who may have little to do with the real person. They love the person that they want the person to be, the person they though the person was or the person who is nice during the honeymoon phase of the relationship following an abusive incident. True, the abusive person, may be a very good person, but are controlled at times by their fear, by alcohol or other drugs, or by the insecurity which leads them to be controlling.
Another common statement is for the abused person to blame themselves for the abuse. They may say, “If I was just nicer, If I did not spend so much on groceries, If I could look like I did when we were first dating then the person would not act that way.” That of course, is not true. The insecure person may justify his/her abuse, but the truth is that no one causes them to be abusive. It is true that they may have unresolved traumatic issues from their past but their partner cannot heal or resolve those issues, True, if the abusive person goes to treatment and does the work to heal, their partner can be supportive and possibly forgiving. I have seen many people do the work they need to do to heal and grow to be the loving person with whom their partner fell in love. Often when I attend 12 step meetings and hear the stories of those who have and continue to work a recovery program, I am awed by the ability of the person to make enormous changes in how they think and act – changes that their partner can trust.
Another common occurrence is the result of growing up in an abusive family. The abuse may have been emotional, physical or both (all physical abuse is, of course, emotional). Often even when a family member is abusive we associate family with love. We may even think abuse is a normal part of love. Because of this association we are attracted to love relationships which remind us of our family of origin. We may unconsciously think, if someone is abusive they are like our family of origin and must love us. Murray Bowen, the famous family therapist and author, said that we will unconsciously duplicate our family of origin, even if abusive, until we identify and change the messages we internalized living in our family of origin.
If we stay in an abusive situation long enough we will internalize/come to deeply believe, many of the lies. This lies may include:
- You are ugly. No one else would want you.
- You are stupid, incompetent, and could not function without me telling you what to do.
- You do not earn a living and will never be able to take care of yourself.
- You are too old to start over.
- You are not lovable.
Healing will include identifying as many of these lies (over time) as possible and correcting them. Frequent a therapist and a support group of others people with an abusive history can help with this healing process.
Of course, healthy, loving partners are still human. Healthy people have off moments or days, but they do not blame their partner and have some method of identifying the problem and resolving it over time. Heathy partners never:
- Think it is okay to say mean things. We all may, at times, get so upset that we say something we would not normally say, but we recognize what happened, apologize and attempt to find a way to avoid doing that in the future.
- Think touching in anger is okay unless they are getting a person out of a dangerous situation.
- Blame other people for their behavior.
- Wait for magic. They have a system for growing emotionally and spiritually.
- Take responsibility for taking care of themselves.
- Are not controlling.
- Share resources, family responsibilities, and chores without having to be asked.
- Are considerate – do not think words such as please or thank you are unnecessary or lame.
- Do not keep without love, information or emotions.
Obviously there are many other qualities which we strive to bring to a healthy relationship. The key is that we have a commitment to do so. We are committed to intentional living.
One cannot fall in love with half a person. One can certainly fall in love with someone who later is unavailable because of injury or illness, but it is not possible to fall in love with someone who is abusive from the beginning of the relationship or to stay in love with someone who is abusive for other than medical reasons (including PTSD).
Careful, accurate language is very powerful. If I am in love with the person I want you to be, then I am not in love with you. I am in love with this fictional character or with less than a whole person. I once talked to a friend who had a date with someone who was rude and unkind. She came back from the date and announced that she really liked this person. I asked her to attempt to identify what she liked about this person. She finally was able to say that she really liked his nose which may have reminded her of someone in her family she loved. I suggested that she get an artificial nose from the costume shop and carry it in her purse. It was impossible to have a relationship with just this person’s nose. She fortunately realized how unrealistic she was being.
So the next time you hear someone or yourself saying you love someone who is abusive, you might want to correct your statement and admit that you love a fictional person.
Written April 6, 2017
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