Family of choice
As we all know families come in all shapes, sizes, genders, colors, ages, physical ableness, nationalities and with many other differences. Families also come with individual histories. Even when family members grow up in the same household each has their own unique story.. How a particular family member experiences their family will depend on a number of factors. These include:
One can have a family of origin, adopted family, work family, health facility family, war/combat family, or an intentional family based on shared goals.
Often 12 step recovery group members report feeling more of a sense of family with the recovery group than they ever did with family of origin or any other group. In fact, when someone is speaking at a meeting they often say that until they got involved in the 12-step program they never felt as if they belonged. It is interesting that once the recovery person allows themselves to open to being a part of the 12-step recovery family they are sometimes able to establish a close family relationship with the people who comprise their family of origin. Sometimes, however, there has been so much emotional damage because of active addiction that this is not possible.
Families who have a member who is in active addiction often try to treat the active addict as if they can be a healthy family member. Invariably, the non-addictive family members get sucked into the space of the addict rather than the addict getting drawn into the healthier, connected space of the active addict. The non-addictive family members think that they are inviting the active addict to the gathering. In fact, they are inviting the addiction. Until the addict gets into recovery and is able to think and behave differently they are not able to be present as themselves instead of the addiction.
So many factors may make it impossible for those who are biologically related to connect as a family – to be the loving, unselfish, nurturing connections that everyone wants. This is very sad, but once one reaches adult status (sometime before that) one can open oneself to a choosing an intentional family. The good news is that if we are open to this possibility we can all have exactly the family we want. It may not be people who are connected by blood or marriage. There are many healthy people who are able to give and receive the nurturing that we all need to survive and thrive
At times, some individuals decide that it only “counts” if the nurturing family is the original family of origin. They may spend their entire life waiting for the family of origin to morph into the family they wanted. When this does not happen, they blame the family of origin for their misery. There may be that rare occasion when the members of a formerly unhealthy family of origin become healthy enough to give and receive unconditional love but there is no guarantee that this will or can happen.
Family members are those who are emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually able to give and receive unconditional love. Notice I used the word able. Some are not, for a variety of reasons, able to do that. It makes no sense to blame the person who is not able. While it is very sad, one needs to accept this fact, and move on. I often use the analogy of deciding that I have to purchase a new car at the convenient store. Every morning I go in and say I want to purchase a new Nissan car. Every morning I am told that they do not carry cars. I am insistent that I will only buy a new car at the convenient store. I continue to go back every morning and insist that I should be able to purchase a new car from them. Finally, the store owners get frustrated and tell me I am barred from the store. Now I am angry and blame the store for not having the car I want and need. They are responsible for my unhappiness because I have decided I can only be happy if I have a new car and I can only have a new car if it comes from the convenience store. There is nothing wrong with the store, but they do not carry new cars. They are not responsible for my unhappiness. Neither is my family of origin responsible for me not having the family love I want and need. They are not bad people for not having what I want and need.
Attachments to ideas or beliefs can trap us in a prison which can be just as miserable as a physical prison. The solution to our misery is to identify and let go of our attachments. In the case of the family of origin I have to let go of the attachment to the belief that they have to emotionally and spiritually be my family. They are not the problem. My attachment is the problems.
Once we understand this approach to getting what we want and need we are able to have a life that is emotionally and spiritually rich. There are those I have met who even when interned in a death camp during World War II were determined, for whatever time they had left, to celebrate loving supportive friendships. There are those in combat situation who, without denying the horror of war, are able to focus on a moment of friendship, a food package or a letter from home, a sunset or a small act of kindness from someone. Even though they miss their families at home – spouses/partners, children, parents, siblings, extended family members – they allow themselves to be fully open to loving relationships with those who are able to be present with them. There are others who are miserable because they cannot have the family support they want from the people who are supposed to give it to them in the way that the want it.
The essential truth is that other people, places and things are not responsible for one’s happiness or unhappiness. All people have the choice to first give themselves the unconditional, loving support they need and then to open themselves to others who are available and able to give it. I am not suggesting that this is always easy, but I am suggesting that there are wonderful mentors who can guide one. If one is open to their loving guidance one can have the life they need even if it does not conform to the one they had constructed in their head. The choice is their’s.
Written June 20, 2017
As we all know families come in all shapes, sizes, genders, colors, ages, physical ableness, nationalities and with many other differences. Families also come with individual histories. Even when family members grow up in the same household each has their own unique story.. How a particular family member experiences their family will depend on a number of factors. These include:
- Changing family circumstances – financial, emotional, environmental and many others.
- Order of birth can sometimes change role of a family member and how that family member is treated or the expectation of that family member.
- Whether the family is chosen, one is born into it or thrust into it because of circumstances.
- War, natural disaster and other factors which affect the priorities and circumstances of the family.
- Shared issues or goals.
- The history each adult or adopted child brings with them.
- Racism, sexism, homophobia and other cultural stressors.
One can have a family of origin, adopted family, work family, health facility family, war/combat family, or an intentional family based on shared goals.
Often 12 step recovery group members report feeling more of a sense of family with the recovery group than they ever did with family of origin or any other group. In fact, when someone is speaking at a meeting they often say that until they got involved in the 12-step program they never felt as if they belonged. It is interesting that once the recovery person allows themselves to open to being a part of the 12-step recovery family they are sometimes able to establish a close family relationship with the people who comprise their family of origin. Sometimes, however, there has been so much emotional damage because of active addiction that this is not possible.
Families who have a member who is in active addiction often try to treat the active addict as if they can be a healthy family member. Invariably, the non-addictive family members get sucked into the space of the addict rather than the addict getting drawn into the healthier, connected space of the active addict. The non-addictive family members think that they are inviting the active addict to the gathering. In fact, they are inviting the addiction. Until the addict gets into recovery and is able to think and behave differently they are not able to be present as themselves instead of the addiction.
So many factors may make it impossible for those who are biologically related to connect as a family – to be the loving, unselfish, nurturing connections that everyone wants. This is very sad, but once one reaches adult status (sometime before that) one can open oneself to a choosing an intentional family. The good news is that if we are open to this possibility we can all have exactly the family we want. It may not be people who are connected by blood or marriage. There are many healthy people who are able to give and receive the nurturing that we all need to survive and thrive
At times, some individuals decide that it only “counts” if the nurturing family is the original family of origin. They may spend their entire life waiting for the family of origin to morph into the family they wanted. When this does not happen, they blame the family of origin for their misery. There may be that rare occasion when the members of a formerly unhealthy family of origin become healthy enough to give and receive unconditional love but there is no guarantee that this will or can happen.
Family members are those who are emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually able to give and receive unconditional love. Notice I used the word able. Some are not, for a variety of reasons, able to do that. It makes no sense to blame the person who is not able. While it is very sad, one needs to accept this fact, and move on. I often use the analogy of deciding that I have to purchase a new car at the convenient store. Every morning I go in and say I want to purchase a new Nissan car. Every morning I am told that they do not carry cars. I am insistent that I will only buy a new car at the convenient store. I continue to go back every morning and insist that I should be able to purchase a new car from them. Finally, the store owners get frustrated and tell me I am barred from the store. Now I am angry and blame the store for not having the car I want and need. They are responsible for my unhappiness because I have decided I can only be happy if I have a new car and I can only have a new car if it comes from the convenience store. There is nothing wrong with the store, but they do not carry new cars. They are not responsible for my unhappiness. Neither is my family of origin responsible for me not having the family love I want and need. They are not bad people for not having what I want and need.
Attachments to ideas or beliefs can trap us in a prison which can be just as miserable as a physical prison. The solution to our misery is to identify and let go of our attachments. In the case of the family of origin I have to let go of the attachment to the belief that they have to emotionally and spiritually be my family. They are not the problem. My attachment is the problems.
Once we understand this approach to getting what we want and need we are able to have a life that is emotionally and spiritually rich. There are those I have met who even when interned in a death camp during World War II were determined, for whatever time they had left, to celebrate loving supportive friendships. There are those in combat situation who, without denying the horror of war, are able to focus on a moment of friendship, a food package or a letter from home, a sunset or a small act of kindness from someone. Even though they miss their families at home – spouses/partners, children, parents, siblings, extended family members – they allow themselves to be fully open to loving relationships with those who are able to be present with them. There are others who are miserable because they cannot have the family support they want from the people who are supposed to give it to them in the way that the want it.
The essential truth is that other people, places and things are not responsible for one’s happiness or unhappiness. All people have the choice to first give themselves the unconditional, loving support they need and then to open themselves to others who are available and able to give it. I am not suggesting that this is always easy, but I am suggesting that there are wonderful mentors who can guide one. If one is open to their loving guidance one can have the life they need even if it does not conform to the one they had constructed in their head. The choice is their’s.
Written June 20, 2017
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