Family sharing and decision making
Yesterday was set aside in the United States to honor mothers. In June fathers will be honored. I was listening to a report of the latest research regarding sharing of home tasks including childcare. Lulu Garcia-Navarro in a segment on Weekend Edition in a program entitled “‘All the rage’ Isn’t About Moms Having It All – It’s about Moms Doing It All” reported less than 40% of couples report that house tasks are equally shared by males and females. Darcy Lockman in her recent book, “All the Rage”. Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnerships” explores the fact it is so difficult to establish equal partnerships. She reports that women who are doing up to 66% of the household labor feel that they had a fair arrangement. Men who were doing 35% of household tasks felt that the division was fair. In my experience this is often true no matter what is professions of the partners. Studies also reveal that schools and other agencies are more likely to call the mother if a child is sick or there is some other concern with the child. Most lesbian couples to whom I talk report a more equal division of tasks. In gay relationships there may often be one partner who does more of the household tasks.
If one googles this topic one finds a variety of articles including some by males who believe that they are often expected to do a lot of the more traditional male chores such as basic yard work, car maintenance and home repairs but these are not counted as household tasks. Yet, in my experience, even those males who do a lot of those more traditional male chores have a lot more free or “me” time than the female partners.
My experience is that most families do not have an agreed upon format for regularly addressing issues such as household tasks. When I am working for/with families I always recommend regularly scheduled family meetings with the options of anyone in the family having the power to ask for a family meeting anytime. Family meetings are a good place to pass along appreciation, address concerns and to make decisions. Some families use a Quaker consensus model of decision making which I like because there is no one to blame if a decision does not work well. One simply returns to the family meeting and makes a new decision.
Changes in sharing household tasks are not going to happen unless we model that behavior and teach our children to focus on problem solving rather than using the blame/victim model. In the United States, as well as in many other countries, there seems to be an attachment to the victim/blame model within family and within the larger community. One merely has to listen in on United States Congressional meetings or political speeches to hear examples of the blame/victim game.
I am not suggesting that it is easy in the home or in other work places to decide what work needs to be done and how to share it more equitably. Often there may be disagreements on priorities or how some tasks are done. Obviously, there must be some ground rules. For example, one must not deliberately do a sloppy job so that the partner will agree to do the task. On the other hand, there are those whose idea of perfection is so demanding that no one else can satisfy those requirements! Even when these sorts of disagreements arise there needs to be a basic agreement to focus on problem solving instead of blaming or someone having to be right and someone wrong.
I do believe all of us can do a better job of setting priorities and sharing tasks. Few of us are living in mansion with a staff of servants including a cook, housekeeper, butler to manage the staff, groundskeeper, driver and mechanic, home repair person/staff, and woman in waiting and man servant for each individual in the home. At least my home does not include any servants other than me! Most of us are working outside the home and then must come home to do household tasks which may include taking care of children and increasingly aging parents. There are no tasks which are feminine and masculine other than pregnancy and birth. All others are up for grabs!
Written May 13, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
Yesterday was set aside in the United States to honor mothers. In June fathers will be honored. I was listening to a report of the latest research regarding sharing of home tasks including childcare. Lulu Garcia-Navarro in a segment on Weekend Edition in a program entitled “‘All the rage’ Isn’t About Moms Having It All – It’s about Moms Doing It All” reported less than 40% of couples report that house tasks are equally shared by males and females. Darcy Lockman in her recent book, “All the Rage”. Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnerships” explores the fact it is so difficult to establish equal partnerships. She reports that women who are doing up to 66% of the household labor feel that they had a fair arrangement. Men who were doing 35% of household tasks felt that the division was fair. In my experience this is often true no matter what is professions of the partners. Studies also reveal that schools and other agencies are more likely to call the mother if a child is sick or there is some other concern with the child. Most lesbian couples to whom I talk report a more equal division of tasks. In gay relationships there may often be one partner who does more of the household tasks.
If one googles this topic one finds a variety of articles including some by males who believe that they are often expected to do a lot of the more traditional male chores such as basic yard work, car maintenance and home repairs but these are not counted as household tasks. Yet, in my experience, even those males who do a lot of those more traditional male chores have a lot more free or “me” time than the female partners.
My experience is that most families do not have an agreed upon format for regularly addressing issues such as household tasks. When I am working for/with families I always recommend regularly scheduled family meetings with the options of anyone in the family having the power to ask for a family meeting anytime. Family meetings are a good place to pass along appreciation, address concerns and to make decisions. Some families use a Quaker consensus model of decision making which I like because there is no one to blame if a decision does not work well. One simply returns to the family meeting and makes a new decision.
Changes in sharing household tasks are not going to happen unless we model that behavior and teach our children to focus on problem solving rather than using the blame/victim model. In the United States, as well as in many other countries, there seems to be an attachment to the victim/blame model within family and within the larger community. One merely has to listen in on United States Congressional meetings or political speeches to hear examples of the blame/victim game.
I am not suggesting that it is easy in the home or in other work places to decide what work needs to be done and how to share it more equitably. Often there may be disagreements on priorities or how some tasks are done. Obviously, there must be some ground rules. For example, one must not deliberately do a sloppy job so that the partner will agree to do the task. On the other hand, there are those whose idea of perfection is so demanding that no one else can satisfy those requirements! Even when these sorts of disagreements arise there needs to be a basic agreement to focus on problem solving instead of blaming or someone having to be right and someone wrong.
I do believe all of us can do a better job of setting priorities and sharing tasks. Few of us are living in mansion with a staff of servants including a cook, housekeeper, butler to manage the staff, groundskeeper, driver and mechanic, home repair person/staff, and woman in waiting and man servant for each individual in the home. At least my home does not include any servants other than me! Most of us are working outside the home and then must come home to do household tasks which may include taking care of children and increasingly aging parents. There are no tasks which are feminine and masculine other than pregnancy and birth. All others are up for grabs!
Written May 13, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
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