Feeding the dragon
My primary job or role as counselor is to actively listen to others and to play back what individuals are saying to themselves and others. Sounds like an easy job for which on surely does not need a graduate degree, a professional license, ongoing training, malpractice insurance and all the equipment needed to maintain clinical and financial records. Yet, even with all the education, training and safeguards much of the time we so called professionals still have a difficult time actively listening. Active listening is the “art” of simply repeating what one “hears” the person saying without adding anything extra. Of course, all of us speak with our voice (if able), our body language, the connecting links to our heart, our memory bank and our version of what seems logical. Attending to all the nuances of what one is “saying” has to be filtered through the brain, stored memory and heart of the listener. It is very easy for the listener to unconsciously add to what was actually “said” by the speaker. Is it any wonder that humans have such a difficult time communicating? Even if one is feeding back what one heard fairly accurately, the other person may not be able to actively listen to the active listener!
I was thinking of this yesterday when attempting to help a lovely woman “hear” how she was feeding the negative thoughts. She came to the appointment wanting help in reducing her internal and expressed anger. She “knows” that the anger does not allow her to have the relationships she wants with herself, other people or the God of her understanding. Yet she makes an angry statement, proceeds to justify her anger and blame others for causing her to be angry. In other words, she is feeding the anger by heaping log after log onto what is already a roaring fire. To her credit she “knows” it is up to her to change; that she cannot change others. Yet, she struggles to hear herself and to stop justifying her anger while, at the same time, trying to let the anger go.
I was talking to another person who is attempting to reclaim a life which active addiction has stolen from him. The addicted brain finds “reason” after “reason” to keep using. It blames other people, places and things – over which one has no control – for one’s misery. It will then direct the person whose life it has taken over to use whatever means is necessary to get the drug of choice. This drug gives some temporary relief while resulting in more distrust of other people and the resultant loss of support leading to more isolation and feeling unloved which leads to…. My goal was to:
It felt as if my active listening and emotional support was not helping him. I did provide some limited practical help. Nothing seem to change. He kept feeding the dragon of negative thoughts and behaviors. No one healthy wanted to be around him. Yet, last evening he “heard” himself (something clicked). He began to make more positive statements and to plan a more realistic, positive course of action.
Most of us know we cannot change other people, places and things. We also know that if we surround ourselves with negative people, places and situations the dragon is going to be fed and will grow. If we continue to focus on negatives and reinforce them the dragon will also grow. The end result is a dragon on steroids which feels miserable to the person lugging the dragon everywhere they go
When attempting to support a person who is struggling, we can listen, stay positive and resist feeding the dragon. We are not in charge of the outcome but maybe – just maybe – a miracle will occur.
Written October 23, 2018
My primary job or role as counselor is to actively listen to others and to play back what individuals are saying to themselves and others. Sounds like an easy job for which on surely does not need a graduate degree, a professional license, ongoing training, malpractice insurance and all the equipment needed to maintain clinical and financial records. Yet, even with all the education, training and safeguards much of the time we so called professionals still have a difficult time actively listening. Active listening is the “art” of simply repeating what one “hears” the person saying without adding anything extra. Of course, all of us speak with our voice (if able), our body language, the connecting links to our heart, our memory bank and our version of what seems logical. Attending to all the nuances of what one is “saying” has to be filtered through the brain, stored memory and heart of the listener. It is very easy for the listener to unconsciously add to what was actually “said” by the speaker. Is it any wonder that humans have such a difficult time communicating? Even if one is feeding back what one heard fairly accurately, the other person may not be able to actively listen to the active listener!
I was thinking of this yesterday when attempting to help a lovely woman “hear” how she was feeding the negative thoughts. She came to the appointment wanting help in reducing her internal and expressed anger. She “knows” that the anger does not allow her to have the relationships she wants with herself, other people or the God of her understanding. Yet she makes an angry statement, proceeds to justify her anger and blame others for causing her to be angry. In other words, she is feeding the anger by heaping log after log onto what is already a roaring fire. To her credit she “knows” it is up to her to change; that she cannot change others. Yet, she struggles to hear herself and to stop justifying her anger while, at the same time, trying to let the anger go.
I was talking to another person who is attempting to reclaim a life which active addiction has stolen from him. The addicted brain finds “reason” after “reason” to keep using. It blames other people, places and things – over which one has no control – for one’s misery. It will then direct the person whose life it has taken over to use whatever means is necessary to get the drug of choice. This drug gives some temporary relief while resulting in more distrust of other people and the resultant loss of support leading to more isolation and feeling unloved which leads to…. My goal was to:
- Love him unconditionally.
- Not rescue him.
- Listen and not feed the negativity.
- Remind him where support was available – 12 step meetings, Soup Kitchen, Catholic Charities, and other community service groups.
It felt as if my active listening and emotional support was not helping him. I did provide some limited practical help. Nothing seem to change. He kept feeding the dragon of negative thoughts and behaviors. No one healthy wanted to be around him. Yet, last evening he “heard” himself (something clicked). He began to make more positive statements and to plan a more realistic, positive course of action.
Most of us know we cannot change other people, places and things. We also know that if we surround ourselves with negative people, places and situations the dragon is going to be fed and will grow. If we continue to focus on negatives and reinforce them the dragon will also grow. The end result is a dragon on steroids which feels miserable to the person lugging the dragon everywhere they go
When attempting to support a person who is struggling, we can listen, stay positive and resist feeding the dragon. We are not in charge of the outcome but maybe – just maybe – a miracle will occur.
Written October 23, 2018
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