Forgiveness vs acceptance
There have been many books on forgiveness, One I have found most helpful is Forgiveness is a Choice, A Step by Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope by Robert Enright.
Many religions, Including Christianity and the Jewish religion, clearly recognize forgiveness as a necessary part of spiritual growth.
The 12-step programs first began by Dr. Bob and Bill W clearly understood that forgiveness of the addict was not necessary or appropriate. One cannot he held responsible for a disease which one did not choose. One can, however, in the process of working a recovery/healing program, recognize that when one’s brain is controlled by addiction/addictive thinking one hurts self and others and one needs to make direct amends when possible and “when to do so would injure them or others”. When, following a relapse, an addict returns to the rooms of a 12-step program there is, as with the prodigal son (or daughter), great rejoicing. No one perceives a need to forgive the addict for his/her illness.
Accepting that another cannot be held responsible for behavior done when the brain is not functioning well seems like a simple concept. Given the complicated nature of the brain and the many factors which affect one’s ability to have a cogent thought it is not surprising that an unhealthy brain cannot be counted on to make healthy decisions – a brain which takes into account how decisions and behavior affects others.
To say that one forgives a person implies that the person willfully and deliberately, when of sound mind, decided to hurt another person(s). If the person has a mental illness, an addiction, a brain tumor or some other conditions/disease which adversely affects the function of the brain one is often unable to consider how one’s behavior affects others. If one is hurt by the behavior of such a person one can compassionately accept that they are ill and even take some steps to protect oneself, but it makes no sense to say one forgives the person for having an illness.
I am reading a book by Dr. Barbara Lipska entitled The Neuroscientist Who Lost Her Mind: My tale of Madness and Recovery. Dr. Lipska had a deadly brain cancer which acutely affected her ability to be the loving, compassionate, patient person she had always been. Fortunately, treatment was effective and she was able to regain her ability to formulate and act on decisions which were consistent with her core values. Her true story is a fascinating reminder of the fragility of the human brain. When she healed she felt bad for how her tumor induced behavior affected those she loved. Yet, she clearly was not responsible and it would, therefore, have not appropriate for her to ask for forgiveness or for others to say they forgave her. It is important, in such a case, to acknowledge that an illness affects more than the person who is ill.
It is imperative that we recognize and accept that all of us are human. As humans we may make mistakes, be inconsiderate or be willfully hurtful. When that happens, we can make amends and be very grateful if forgiveness is offered. When others are hurtful we can see a mirror and quickly offer forgiveness.
On the other hand, as humans many of us are also going to have conditions or illnesses which adversely affect the ability of one’s brain to formulate a compassionate decision and engage in loving behavior. Those behavior do not require forgiveness but compassionate acceptance.
Written April 12, 2018
There have been many books on forgiveness, One I have found most helpful is Forgiveness is a Choice, A Step by Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope by Robert Enright.
Many religions, Including Christianity and the Jewish religion, clearly recognize forgiveness as a necessary part of spiritual growth.
The 12-step programs first began by Dr. Bob and Bill W clearly understood that forgiveness of the addict was not necessary or appropriate. One cannot he held responsible for a disease which one did not choose. One can, however, in the process of working a recovery/healing program, recognize that when one’s brain is controlled by addiction/addictive thinking one hurts self and others and one needs to make direct amends when possible and “when to do so would injure them or others”. When, following a relapse, an addict returns to the rooms of a 12-step program there is, as with the prodigal son (or daughter), great rejoicing. No one perceives a need to forgive the addict for his/her illness.
Accepting that another cannot be held responsible for behavior done when the brain is not functioning well seems like a simple concept. Given the complicated nature of the brain and the many factors which affect one’s ability to have a cogent thought it is not surprising that an unhealthy brain cannot be counted on to make healthy decisions – a brain which takes into account how decisions and behavior affects others.
To say that one forgives a person implies that the person willfully and deliberately, when of sound mind, decided to hurt another person(s). If the person has a mental illness, an addiction, a brain tumor or some other conditions/disease which adversely affects the function of the brain one is often unable to consider how one’s behavior affects others. If one is hurt by the behavior of such a person one can compassionately accept that they are ill and even take some steps to protect oneself, but it makes no sense to say one forgives the person for having an illness.
I am reading a book by Dr. Barbara Lipska entitled The Neuroscientist Who Lost Her Mind: My tale of Madness and Recovery. Dr. Lipska had a deadly brain cancer which acutely affected her ability to be the loving, compassionate, patient person she had always been. Fortunately, treatment was effective and she was able to regain her ability to formulate and act on decisions which were consistent with her core values. Her true story is a fascinating reminder of the fragility of the human brain. When she healed she felt bad for how her tumor induced behavior affected those she loved. Yet, she clearly was not responsible and it would, therefore, have not appropriate for her to ask for forgiveness or for others to say they forgave her. It is important, in such a case, to acknowledge that an illness affects more than the person who is ill.
It is imperative that we recognize and accept that all of us are human. As humans we may make mistakes, be inconsiderate or be willfully hurtful. When that happens, we can make amends and be very grateful if forgiveness is offered. When others are hurtful we can see a mirror and quickly offer forgiveness.
On the other hand, as humans many of us are also going to have conditions or illnesses which adversely affect the ability of one’s brain to formulate a compassionate decision and engage in loving behavior. Those behavior do not require forgiveness but compassionate acceptance.
Written April 12, 2018
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