Friendship - letting go with empathy
This week I am visiting the area where I made my home for more years than in any other place. I lived in the Wheeling - Pittsburgh area from December, 1980 until August of 2014. Since August of 2014 I have lived in Florida, but have kept my medical, dental and eye care in Wheeling-Pittsburgh area. Many of my strongest friendships remain there. Additionally I continue to work for/with clients in this geographical area. I have yet to make a clear commitment to remain in Florida although there is much about the Florida area in which I am living which feeds me - friends, the beach, bike paths, and delightful weather much of the year. On the other hand, when I saw the mountains just after leaving friends I stopped to visit in North Carolina I nearly cried with a sense of coming come. I feel equally connected to the mountains and the water. I have lived or spent a lot of time in areas where I can enjoy both. This was true when I regularly spent time in Maine, when I lived in Alaska and when I spent a lot of time in the Seattle area. Even in Evansville, Indiana, Wheeling, and Pittsburgh I was close to the Ohio river and often lived with a view of it. (I am not claiming that mountains are close to Evansville, but there are deeper rolling hills than can be found where I am living in Florida.)
I miss the close friends in Wheeling who create a sense of home for me. This past Saturday some gathered at the home of my friend Terry’s in Butler, Pa. . Terry’s home has been our gathering place for many years. His delightful home or the essence of that part which has not been replaced following several floods, creates a safe cocoon of laughter, good food and tons of hugs. It does not matter whether one arrives with some milestone to celebrate or a loss to grieve. One will leave feeling unconditionally loved.
I am also acutely aware of those who I loved, but who I will not see because they are “dust to dust” or have decided that one of my many “sins” was too offensive to be forgiven. Obviously I cannot take the death of someone personally. No one died as a extreme way of avoiding any future contact with me although there are those who have performed the equivalent of ritual of declaring me dead to them.
When I tearfully think of those who consider me unworthy of friendship because my action has so grievously destroyed the bond of trust I am reminded of those people with whom I had a close relationship, but whom I ignored when I became too involved in the drama of my own life. Some of those I later attempted to reconnect with only to find that I could not locate them or they did not want to reconnect. Although I would never consciously erase someone from my life I have, in effect, done so through inattention on several occasions. Oops. I can think of one person who I have deliberately avoided or not attempted to locate. I felt bad because this person was not able to rise about the first level of Maslow’s hierarchy and, thus, was unable to refrain from stealing money, things and my energy. I was not healthy enough to be protective and not judge him. Hopefully he has found that inner, good, strong self by now.
When someone with whom I have been exceptionally close, disowns me, I have a difficult time not internalizing their “truth” that I not only have have done something grossly inconsiderate but that I am unworthy of forgiveness. Of course, I know on an intellectual level that is not the case. I can easily arrive at the conclusion that if I was worthy, then the other would be able to trust that I am no more and no less human then they.
The basic issue, for me, is accepting that it is my responsibility to make amends when that is possible and when it would not cause further harm and (this is the most difficult part) to honor their decision. If my love is truly unconditional then it is not my place to judge them for judging me. It is not my place to take their behavior personally. It is, I know or believe, my responsibility to honor their need for space, even if that be a lifetime, while staying open to reconnection. I know/believe that everyone has their own journey and are doing what they believe they need to do to take care of themselves. That choice has nothing to do with me. If they ask that I prove that my amends is sincere by prostrating myself in the mud field while wearing my best suit then the ball is in my court and I will have to make a decision. If they ask me to do something which violates my ethics/core values then I will make a decision not to do that. The point, of course, is to love unconditionally, to to stay open to reconnecting and to not try to blackmail them into reconnecting. By blackmail I am thinking of emotional blackmail such as suggesting that my happiness and well being is now dependent on their forgiveness or some other action on their part. Even if blackmail appears to work we all know that the forced appearance of a reconnection is not, in effect a genuine reconnection.
The danger for me is to judge them for judging –acting as if I cannot understand or relate to their behavior. I know very clearly what it is to allow fear to control me. I know that it is easier and feels safer to stay disconnected at times. I know that I am in charge of my spiritual journey – that I cannot make someone else responsible for that journey. I also know that I can continue to have a good life while grieving the loss of connection. I can choose to focus on the positive – on the blessings – or I can choose to focus on what I have loss.
While I am living in Florida I am committed to enjoying all the blessings of that are available to me there. If I decide to relocated back to the Ohio Valley I will enjoy the blessings available there. No matter where I am living I will have to practice the same spiritual principles of letting go and loving unconditionally. These lessons are not always easy or comfortable. Avoiding them is not comfortable either.
I can daily remind myself that there are blessings to enjoy wherever I am living. I can also remind myself that the main actor – me – goes with me. I have the opportunity to attend to the same spiritual lessons no matter where I am living.
Written June 11, 2016
This week I am visiting the area where I made my home for more years than in any other place. I lived in the Wheeling - Pittsburgh area from December, 1980 until August of 2014. Since August of 2014 I have lived in Florida, but have kept my medical, dental and eye care in Wheeling-Pittsburgh area. Many of my strongest friendships remain there. Additionally I continue to work for/with clients in this geographical area. I have yet to make a clear commitment to remain in Florida although there is much about the Florida area in which I am living which feeds me - friends, the beach, bike paths, and delightful weather much of the year. On the other hand, when I saw the mountains just after leaving friends I stopped to visit in North Carolina I nearly cried with a sense of coming come. I feel equally connected to the mountains and the water. I have lived or spent a lot of time in areas where I can enjoy both. This was true when I regularly spent time in Maine, when I lived in Alaska and when I spent a lot of time in the Seattle area. Even in Evansville, Indiana, Wheeling, and Pittsburgh I was close to the Ohio river and often lived with a view of it. (I am not claiming that mountains are close to Evansville, but there are deeper rolling hills than can be found where I am living in Florida.)
I miss the close friends in Wheeling who create a sense of home for me. This past Saturday some gathered at the home of my friend Terry’s in Butler, Pa. . Terry’s home has been our gathering place for many years. His delightful home or the essence of that part which has not been replaced following several floods, creates a safe cocoon of laughter, good food and tons of hugs. It does not matter whether one arrives with some milestone to celebrate or a loss to grieve. One will leave feeling unconditionally loved.
I am also acutely aware of those who I loved, but who I will not see because they are “dust to dust” or have decided that one of my many “sins” was too offensive to be forgiven. Obviously I cannot take the death of someone personally. No one died as a extreme way of avoiding any future contact with me although there are those who have performed the equivalent of ritual of declaring me dead to them.
When I tearfully think of those who consider me unworthy of friendship because my action has so grievously destroyed the bond of trust I am reminded of those people with whom I had a close relationship, but whom I ignored when I became too involved in the drama of my own life. Some of those I later attempted to reconnect with only to find that I could not locate them or they did not want to reconnect. Although I would never consciously erase someone from my life I have, in effect, done so through inattention on several occasions. Oops. I can think of one person who I have deliberately avoided or not attempted to locate. I felt bad because this person was not able to rise about the first level of Maslow’s hierarchy and, thus, was unable to refrain from stealing money, things and my energy. I was not healthy enough to be protective and not judge him. Hopefully he has found that inner, good, strong self by now.
When someone with whom I have been exceptionally close, disowns me, I have a difficult time not internalizing their “truth” that I not only have have done something grossly inconsiderate but that I am unworthy of forgiveness. Of course, I know on an intellectual level that is not the case. I can easily arrive at the conclusion that if I was worthy, then the other would be able to trust that I am no more and no less human then they.
The basic issue, for me, is accepting that it is my responsibility to make amends when that is possible and when it would not cause further harm and (this is the most difficult part) to honor their decision. If my love is truly unconditional then it is not my place to judge them for judging me. It is not my place to take their behavior personally. It is, I know or believe, my responsibility to honor their need for space, even if that be a lifetime, while staying open to reconnection. I know/believe that everyone has their own journey and are doing what they believe they need to do to take care of themselves. That choice has nothing to do with me. If they ask that I prove that my amends is sincere by prostrating myself in the mud field while wearing my best suit then the ball is in my court and I will have to make a decision. If they ask me to do something which violates my ethics/core values then I will make a decision not to do that. The point, of course, is to love unconditionally, to to stay open to reconnecting and to not try to blackmail them into reconnecting. By blackmail I am thinking of emotional blackmail such as suggesting that my happiness and well being is now dependent on their forgiveness or some other action on their part. Even if blackmail appears to work we all know that the forced appearance of a reconnection is not, in effect a genuine reconnection.
The danger for me is to judge them for judging –acting as if I cannot understand or relate to their behavior. I know very clearly what it is to allow fear to control me. I know that it is easier and feels safer to stay disconnected at times. I know that I am in charge of my spiritual journey – that I cannot make someone else responsible for that journey. I also know that I can continue to have a good life while grieving the loss of connection. I can choose to focus on the positive – on the blessings – or I can choose to focus on what I have loss.
While I am living in Florida I am committed to enjoying all the blessings of that are available to me there. If I decide to relocated back to the Ohio Valley I will enjoy the blessings available there. No matter where I am living I will have to practice the same spiritual principles of letting go and loving unconditionally. These lessons are not always easy or comfortable. Avoiding them is not comfortable either.
I can daily remind myself that there are blessings to enjoy wherever I am living. I can also remind myself that the main actor – me – goes with me. I have the opportunity to attend to the same spiritual lessons no matter where I am living.
Written June 11, 2016
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