Friendship
This weekend my long-time friends K and M came to Florida to help me celebrate my birthday and to give themselves a wee break in their busy schedule. This was the second year that I have celebrated my birthday in Florida and the second year that they have made such an effort to celebrate with me.
Since it was also the weekend that I had just returned from sharing the last days of my mother’s life with two of my sisters and some of the extended family, the subject of what I admire in others and in myself was already much of my mind.
I first met K’s former partner who is now deceased when I moved to Pittsburgh from Indiana. In Indiana I and some other men, at the urging of the females we admired and with whom we wanted a healthy relationship, formed what was then called a men’s consciousness raising group. We were not unique. Many men were forming such groups in the 1970s. It had become increasing evident to us and to our women friends, associates, lovers and spouses that we males had missed a course or two or three in what it meant to have a loving, respectful partnership/relationship with women. At that time, women doing the same jobs as men were, on the whole, making even less money than is now the case. They were also in the majority of cases doing much more than half of the child care and home making even if working full time outside the home. Emotionally, the women in our lives did not think we were very present. We did not listen well, often discounted or made fun of the emotions of them and thought sexual intimacy was the same as emotional intimacy. Often we thought winning was the objective when the women in our lives might think that treating each other with love and respect was the goal. In short, the women in our lives did not like or respect us very much and did not want the job of teaching or, as they termed it, raising us. They thought that it was up to we men to help each other develop into men who could be full partners with the women in our lives at home and at work.
We would meet once a week to discuss issues of character – what qualities or characteristics we needed to nurture in ourselves to be men of whom we and the women in our lives had respect. Our motives at first may have been mainly showing the women in our lives that we could grow emotionally and spiritually.
Interestingly enough we soon discovered that this was not an issue which was exclusive to heterosexual men. Men on the broad spectrum of sexual orientation were struggling with the same issues.
It was also in the 1970s that a national organization, now called The Organization of Men Against Sexism was formed. This organization which commanded the allegiance of many of we men for many years (it still exists) explored issues of violence toward women, equal pay issues, fatherhood, and a variety of other issues related to who we wanted to be as men.
Most of we men had not given much thought to who we wanted to be as men. Even though we might have been intentional about some of the values which guided our lives somehow we had managed to continue to relate to the women in our lives much as had our fathers. In some ways that was not bad. For the most part we revered women as caretakers and homemakers and we admired women who pursued a career outside of the home, but women, on the whole still did not think we truly respected them or were emotionally present to or with them.
As was true for most of the men I know, I had not grown up learning to explore and discuss emotional issues with men. Spiritually I had heard a lot of conservative religious platitude or truisms such as the man was the head of the house. We men did not share emotions with ourselves, with the other men or the women in our lives. In many respects we were consciously or unconsciously modeling our emotional selves on the John Wayne model. The costume might now be a different outfit - a Brooks Brother suit or even a clerical robe - but the behavior was still that of the strong, unemotional, take no prisoners, hard-working male.
One of more interesting behavioral characteristics which we discovered was that much, if not most, of our behavior was intended to impress other men. Unless we were actively pursuing a woman romantically or sexually we were not interested in their opinions. In fact, since puberty we had adopted the belief that we should hourly, if not more often, desire females while seeking out other males for serious relationships.
We also discovered that often, but not always, gay men had healthier, more respectful relationships with women than did heterosexual men.
Despite the fact that many of we men then had graduate degrees in theology, divinity, psychology or sociology our behavior with and towards women was little different than the person who had not, for whatever reason, gained any formal education beyond high school.
Looking back, it is amazing that even the standard measure for intelligence did not reveal the level of stupidity of many us.
Obviously we had a lot of work to do.
At any rate, K’s former partner was part of the men’s consciousness raising/support group of which I was a member in Pittsburgh in the early eighties. Eventually, K and that person ended their romantic relationship, but I would discover in true K fashion he would continue to offer support to him and his family.
If fact K and his spouse M are men who consistently insure that love is the guiding principle in all that they do. Although they are both very accomplished professional men and can be trusted to take their professional responsibilities seriously, they always seem to make time to help and nurture family, friends and many others in the larger community. They give without expectations. Not surprisingly they are secret Santas.
They are strong, loving, dependable, responsible, emotionally present, eager to learn, humble people who happen to be male and happen to be blessed with intelligence.
The men’s group has not met as a men’s group in years although this does not mean that we have stopped talking about or reading about values/character. Nor have we stopped challenging each other to grow emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. We do gather as families now with each other and our respective spouses or, in some cases, former spouses and partners of some of us. We keep in touch via text, email, phone and visits. We will gather again in June when I am in Pittsburgh for routine medical appointments and other appointments.
Some of us also keep in touch with some of the folks who are still involved in the national organization. We are far from perfect and thus need to continue to challenge each other, but we are certainly aware of our need to keep re-examining who we are and who we want to become as friends, lovers, spouses, community members, workers/professionals, and fathers who happen to be males.
Written May 2, 2016
This weekend my long-time friends K and M came to Florida to help me celebrate my birthday and to give themselves a wee break in their busy schedule. This was the second year that I have celebrated my birthday in Florida and the second year that they have made such an effort to celebrate with me.
Since it was also the weekend that I had just returned from sharing the last days of my mother’s life with two of my sisters and some of the extended family, the subject of what I admire in others and in myself was already much of my mind.
I first met K’s former partner who is now deceased when I moved to Pittsburgh from Indiana. In Indiana I and some other men, at the urging of the females we admired and with whom we wanted a healthy relationship, formed what was then called a men’s consciousness raising group. We were not unique. Many men were forming such groups in the 1970s. It had become increasing evident to us and to our women friends, associates, lovers and spouses that we males had missed a course or two or three in what it meant to have a loving, respectful partnership/relationship with women. At that time, women doing the same jobs as men were, on the whole, making even less money than is now the case. They were also in the majority of cases doing much more than half of the child care and home making even if working full time outside the home. Emotionally, the women in our lives did not think we were very present. We did not listen well, often discounted or made fun of the emotions of them and thought sexual intimacy was the same as emotional intimacy. Often we thought winning was the objective when the women in our lives might think that treating each other with love and respect was the goal. In short, the women in our lives did not like or respect us very much and did not want the job of teaching or, as they termed it, raising us. They thought that it was up to we men to help each other develop into men who could be full partners with the women in our lives at home and at work.
We would meet once a week to discuss issues of character – what qualities or characteristics we needed to nurture in ourselves to be men of whom we and the women in our lives had respect. Our motives at first may have been mainly showing the women in our lives that we could grow emotionally and spiritually.
Interestingly enough we soon discovered that this was not an issue which was exclusive to heterosexual men. Men on the broad spectrum of sexual orientation were struggling with the same issues.
It was also in the 1970s that a national organization, now called The Organization of Men Against Sexism was formed. This organization which commanded the allegiance of many of we men for many years (it still exists) explored issues of violence toward women, equal pay issues, fatherhood, and a variety of other issues related to who we wanted to be as men.
Most of we men had not given much thought to who we wanted to be as men. Even though we might have been intentional about some of the values which guided our lives somehow we had managed to continue to relate to the women in our lives much as had our fathers. In some ways that was not bad. For the most part we revered women as caretakers and homemakers and we admired women who pursued a career outside of the home, but women, on the whole still did not think we truly respected them or were emotionally present to or with them.
As was true for most of the men I know, I had not grown up learning to explore and discuss emotional issues with men. Spiritually I had heard a lot of conservative religious platitude or truisms such as the man was the head of the house. We men did not share emotions with ourselves, with the other men or the women in our lives. In many respects we were consciously or unconsciously modeling our emotional selves on the John Wayne model. The costume might now be a different outfit - a Brooks Brother suit or even a clerical robe - but the behavior was still that of the strong, unemotional, take no prisoners, hard-working male.
One of more interesting behavioral characteristics which we discovered was that much, if not most, of our behavior was intended to impress other men. Unless we were actively pursuing a woman romantically or sexually we were not interested in their opinions. In fact, since puberty we had adopted the belief that we should hourly, if not more often, desire females while seeking out other males for serious relationships.
We also discovered that often, but not always, gay men had healthier, more respectful relationships with women than did heterosexual men.
Despite the fact that many of we men then had graduate degrees in theology, divinity, psychology or sociology our behavior with and towards women was little different than the person who had not, for whatever reason, gained any formal education beyond high school.
Looking back, it is amazing that even the standard measure for intelligence did not reveal the level of stupidity of many us.
Obviously we had a lot of work to do.
At any rate, K’s former partner was part of the men’s consciousness raising/support group of which I was a member in Pittsburgh in the early eighties. Eventually, K and that person ended their romantic relationship, but I would discover in true K fashion he would continue to offer support to him and his family.
If fact K and his spouse M are men who consistently insure that love is the guiding principle in all that they do. Although they are both very accomplished professional men and can be trusted to take their professional responsibilities seriously, they always seem to make time to help and nurture family, friends and many others in the larger community. They give without expectations. Not surprisingly they are secret Santas.
They are strong, loving, dependable, responsible, emotionally present, eager to learn, humble people who happen to be male and happen to be blessed with intelligence.
The men’s group has not met as a men’s group in years although this does not mean that we have stopped talking about or reading about values/character. Nor have we stopped challenging each other to grow emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. We do gather as families now with each other and our respective spouses or, in some cases, former spouses and partners of some of us. We keep in touch via text, email, phone and visits. We will gather again in June when I am in Pittsburgh for routine medical appointments and other appointments.
Some of us also keep in touch with some of the folks who are still involved in the national organization. We are far from perfect and thus need to continue to challenge each other, but we are certainly aware of our need to keep re-examining who we are and who we want to become as friends, lovers, spouses, community members, workers/professionals, and fathers who happen to be males.
Written May 2, 2016
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