Friendship
One of the most difficult aspects of friendship is being present when the opportunity presents itself and, the rest of the time, honoring the journey of that friend.
The first, being present, requires that I clear my mind and my heart of any expectation or of any need to guide, direct, or advise. I do not mean to imply that it is wrong to ask for assistance. Often asking for some practical assistance, especially if one is struggling, can be received as a gift. Most of us feel good when we know we have something of value to offer another person, whether that be helping to perform some task, joining them for a movie they want to see, or just being a comforting presence. Even if it seems as if the gift is an inconvenience, most of us would feel bad if the other person did not feel if as being inconvenienced is a necessary part of any good friendships.
Most of the time, however, the best gift I can give or receive from a friend is the wiliness to just actively listen. There is something about knowing that one has been heard which is comforting and healing in and of itself.
There are times when friendship requires a response. It is very frustrating if one expresses a concern to a friend and he or she refuses to discuss and/or expresses another concern in response. I am not talking about a parent (or a boss) saying, “Just tell me the truth. All I need is the truth.” That usually means if one tells the truth one is going to get punished. No, I am talking about the friend who says in response to a request to talk that they are not going to talk about the issue and/or say something very critical. Most of us are fine if the other person says, “I really do want to respond but now is not a good time. Would you mind if we talked about that at 1:00 p.m. tomorrow.” Friendship may require that I agree to talk about something which is very uncomfortable or even painful.
There are times, of course, when one badgers a friend to talk about an issue that they have already responded to many times. Perhaps one wants a different response or the goal is to punish by telling one for the 100th time that they are a bad person.
Sometimes, being a friend means honoring the wish of the other person to end the relationship or to move across the world. While that may be very painful and even, confusing, one needs to honor that request. Telling the other person we cannot live without their friendship or they are a bad person for doing this is not kind or loving.
My experience is that I do well at friendships much of the time, but there are times when I decide my need or desires are or should be more important than that of the other person. There are other times when I truly do not understand the reason for a person wanting to end the friendship and I want to pressure them to explain to me until I understand. I know, of course, that friendship requires I just honor their wishes. I do not need to understand.
As with all lessons, learning how to be a friend to myself, others, and even mother earth is a process. At nearly 78 I am still learning.
Written February 22, 2018
One of the most difficult aspects of friendship is being present when the opportunity presents itself and, the rest of the time, honoring the journey of that friend.
The first, being present, requires that I clear my mind and my heart of any expectation or of any need to guide, direct, or advise. I do not mean to imply that it is wrong to ask for assistance. Often asking for some practical assistance, especially if one is struggling, can be received as a gift. Most of us feel good when we know we have something of value to offer another person, whether that be helping to perform some task, joining them for a movie they want to see, or just being a comforting presence. Even if it seems as if the gift is an inconvenience, most of us would feel bad if the other person did not feel if as being inconvenienced is a necessary part of any good friendships.
Most of the time, however, the best gift I can give or receive from a friend is the wiliness to just actively listen. There is something about knowing that one has been heard which is comforting and healing in and of itself.
There are times when friendship requires a response. It is very frustrating if one expresses a concern to a friend and he or she refuses to discuss and/or expresses another concern in response. I am not talking about a parent (or a boss) saying, “Just tell me the truth. All I need is the truth.” That usually means if one tells the truth one is going to get punished. No, I am talking about the friend who says in response to a request to talk that they are not going to talk about the issue and/or say something very critical. Most of us are fine if the other person says, “I really do want to respond but now is not a good time. Would you mind if we talked about that at 1:00 p.m. tomorrow.” Friendship may require that I agree to talk about something which is very uncomfortable or even painful.
There are times, of course, when one badgers a friend to talk about an issue that they have already responded to many times. Perhaps one wants a different response or the goal is to punish by telling one for the 100th time that they are a bad person.
Sometimes, being a friend means honoring the wish of the other person to end the relationship or to move across the world. While that may be very painful and even, confusing, one needs to honor that request. Telling the other person we cannot live without their friendship or they are a bad person for doing this is not kind or loving.
My experience is that I do well at friendships much of the time, but there are times when I decide my need or desires are or should be more important than that of the other person. There are other times when I truly do not understand the reason for a person wanting to end the friendship and I want to pressure them to explain to me until I understand. I know, of course, that friendship requires I just honor their wishes. I do not need to understand.
As with all lessons, learning how to be a friend to myself, others, and even mother earth is a process. At nearly 78 I am still learning.
Written February 22, 2018
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