From pissy to just noticing
Why am I pissy this morning? I just got short with the person who called wanting me to come in for a medical checkup when there is no need for me to do that. There was no reason for me to be pissy. In fact, I certainly could have kept the appointment even though it would have been a waste of everyone’s time. I was aggravated with myself when it is my intention to just notice my pissyness. It is interesting that it is so difficult to just notice rather than judging or beating up on myself. Naturally, I want to be this serene and loving person all the time. Well, obviously, that is not entirely true. I also want to rebel or object when something does not make sense. On the other hand, I know myself well enough to know that when I am feeling good I am able to respond to people more lovingly than I think I responded to the person who called regarding the doctor’s appointment. Am I feeling “sick”? Not really, but I do feel a little off centered even though I got a decent night’s sleep, have eaten healthy food, and have been to the gym this morning.
Of course, I am well aware that I can be a bit off center without being able to identify the reason. Naturally I feel better if I can identify a cause or a reason for being off center because I can then do something to change it or just accept that such and such is going on and I will be better when such and such is no longer an issue.
I have an appointment with a client tomorrow who is dealing with extreme anxiety and an obsessive, compulsive disorder. I have suggested to him that he begin to practice just noticing when he feels an uncontrollable urge to perform a ritual or when he is obsessively worrying/thinking about something. The goal is to quit reinforcing the internal fear that inaccurately tells him that something bad Is going to happen if he does not perform the ritual or begin to worry/take the internal message seriously.
My experience this morning is a good reminder for me to practice what I advise others to do. Since I did not notice that I was a bit off center until I got pissy, it is important for me to just notice that I got pissy and to not fuss at myself. I am not saying it is okay to be pissy. I am suggesting that if I want to change my behavior I do not want to either (1) Justify the pissy response or (2) further stress myself (cause myself to be more off centered ) by fussing at myself. Of course, I can, without doing either of these things, apologize to the office person. If the representative from the insurance company who I emailed tells me that I really do need to keep this appointment to avoid getting the doctor in trouble, I can also do that. I do not have to try to put a lot of effort into attempting to force either the staff at the doctors office or the insurance company to behave in a way which makes sense to me.
This brief experience is a gift – a good reminder before I talk to the client about how difficult it is to “just notice” and, thus, to refrain from justifying behavior or increasing the stress by fussing at oneself or calling oneself unkind names.
The human brain is very interesting. Many factors affect how it processes incoming stimuli. At times nothing feels like a big deal and it seemingly takes no effort to “just notice” what is happening. Other times it feels as if any incoming stimuli is an incoming assault which one automatically fights by withdrawing, numbing oneself out in some way (food, alcohol, drug, justification/anger) or withdrawing. Saying to oneself “Oh my, it seems that by brain is not processing incoming stimuli well at the moment.” is generally not the first thought which comes to mind. Despite years of practice, the first time I notice that my brain is not processing incoming stimuli is often after I have reacted in a pissy way to something. It is true that I have practiced enough that once I hear myself being pissy I can usually start to “just notice” my response and acknowledge that, for whatever reason, my brain is not processing well. Then I can begin to react differently. For example , the man sitting next to me at Panera’s was playing music on his laptop loudly and someone else nearby was talking loudly on their phone. I simply noticed that was not working well for me and moved to another table. As it happened it was warm enough to take my laptop and my coffee to an outside table which is much more pleasant than being inside.
I am also reminded that, for me and I suspect, often for others, writing takes some of the power out of not being able to process incoming stimuli well. Isn’t that interesting?
Written February 19, 2016
Why am I pissy this morning? I just got short with the person who called wanting me to come in for a medical checkup when there is no need for me to do that. There was no reason for me to be pissy. In fact, I certainly could have kept the appointment even though it would have been a waste of everyone’s time. I was aggravated with myself when it is my intention to just notice my pissyness. It is interesting that it is so difficult to just notice rather than judging or beating up on myself. Naturally, I want to be this serene and loving person all the time. Well, obviously, that is not entirely true. I also want to rebel or object when something does not make sense. On the other hand, I know myself well enough to know that when I am feeling good I am able to respond to people more lovingly than I think I responded to the person who called regarding the doctor’s appointment. Am I feeling “sick”? Not really, but I do feel a little off centered even though I got a decent night’s sleep, have eaten healthy food, and have been to the gym this morning.
Of course, I am well aware that I can be a bit off center without being able to identify the reason. Naturally I feel better if I can identify a cause or a reason for being off center because I can then do something to change it or just accept that such and such is going on and I will be better when such and such is no longer an issue.
I have an appointment with a client tomorrow who is dealing with extreme anxiety and an obsessive, compulsive disorder. I have suggested to him that he begin to practice just noticing when he feels an uncontrollable urge to perform a ritual or when he is obsessively worrying/thinking about something. The goal is to quit reinforcing the internal fear that inaccurately tells him that something bad Is going to happen if he does not perform the ritual or begin to worry/take the internal message seriously.
My experience this morning is a good reminder for me to practice what I advise others to do. Since I did not notice that I was a bit off center until I got pissy, it is important for me to just notice that I got pissy and to not fuss at myself. I am not saying it is okay to be pissy. I am suggesting that if I want to change my behavior I do not want to either (1) Justify the pissy response or (2) further stress myself (cause myself to be more off centered ) by fussing at myself. Of course, I can, without doing either of these things, apologize to the office person. If the representative from the insurance company who I emailed tells me that I really do need to keep this appointment to avoid getting the doctor in trouble, I can also do that. I do not have to try to put a lot of effort into attempting to force either the staff at the doctors office or the insurance company to behave in a way which makes sense to me.
This brief experience is a gift – a good reminder before I talk to the client about how difficult it is to “just notice” and, thus, to refrain from justifying behavior or increasing the stress by fussing at oneself or calling oneself unkind names.
The human brain is very interesting. Many factors affect how it processes incoming stimuli. At times nothing feels like a big deal and it seemingly takes no effort to “just notice” what is happening. Other times it feels as if any incoming stimuli is an incoming assault which one automatically fights by withdrawing, numbing oneself out in some way (food, alcohol, drug, justification/anger) or withdrawing. Saying to oneself “Oh my, it seems that by brain is not processing incoming stimuli well at the moment.” is generally not the first thought which comes to mind. Despite years of practice, the first time I notice that my brain is not processing incoming stimuli is often after I have reacted in a pissy way to something. It is true that I have practiced enough that once I hear myself being pissy I can usually start to “just notice” my response and acknowledge that, for whatever reason, my brain is not processing well. Then I can begin to react differently. For example , the man sitting next to me at Panera’s was playing music on his laptop loudly and someone else nearby was talking loudly on their phone. I simply noticed that was not working well for me and moved to another table. As it happened it was warm enough to take my laptop and my coffee to an outside table which is much more pleasant than being inside.
I am also reminded that, for me and I suspect, often for others, writing takes some of the power out of not being able to process incoming stimuli well. Isn’t that interesting?
Written February 19, 2016
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