Gender and Ego Development

​Gender and Ego Development
 
I was talking with a woman the other day who is one of those individuals who knows she does not need a partner, but she wants one. In her case the partner is a male.  She remarked that she realized early on in her marriage that her husband did not feel as if she needed him.  This led to her deciding to downplay some of her skills so he could feel as if he was needed – had something to contribute. She went on to assert that it is a genetic trait of males to be needed in very practical ways.  This was not a setting which lent itself to a discussion of this assertion of fact. I was quietly attempting to “actively listen” to her opinion and question my own bias.  My own biases are:
 

• Healthy men and women know that they do not need a romantic partner to take care of them.  They are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves by doing tasks themselves, hiring tasks done or bartering with others.
• Everyone one has skills and possibly expertize which they bring to relationships -  romantic and non-romantic friendships, work teams or community teams.
• They’re very few gender specific skills/abilities. Pregnancy, birthing and nursing a baby are, of course, gender specific.  Science has clearly debunked most myths about gender specific skills.
• All healthy males and females need loved and nurtured (some individual may be born without the ability to feel that need but that is a small group of individuals).
• Males are perfectly capable of learning that emotional support and sharing the maintenance and running of a household are well within their ability, even if they were not taught these skills as a child.
• There may be some generalized differences in the average or male and female.  For example, my understanding is that that many males move faster but most females had longer endurance.
• Historically, myths about gender specific abilities have been paired with customs designed to reinforce the myths. For example, the costumes of women (skirts, heels, cresset) were designed to restrict the movement of women and make them more dependent on men in many situations.
• When societal needs outweighed the need to propagate the gender myths as in wartime, females were assigned roles and jobs traditionally assigned only to males.  Thus, was born Rosie the riveter or Ruth the long-distance truck driver during World War II.
• In same sex relationships, all roles are divided according to interest or ability.
• There are no male jobs or female jobs except as previously mentioned.  There are only tasks which need to be completed. Each couple can decide who is more skilled, has more interest or is available to do specific tasks.
• Each of us may have task preferences which may have seemed “natural” to us” us because of temperament, learning or some other ability or limitation.
• If one has a need to prove they do not need anyone then they may want to refrain from living with another person or entering into a romantic relationship.
• Future studies may or may not provide reasons or evidence for the often-observed difference in the social functioning of males and males – particularly junior high and high school students.
• Although general style may vary, both males and females often seek external proof of their worth.  For example, both genders are often equally skilled in bullying. 

 
I strongly suspect that we have choices in how we choreograph relationships between/among males and females.
 
 
Written June 12, 2018