Getting unstuck
I suspect all of us, at times in our lives, have said or done something, realized that we did not even mean what we said or did and, yet, “find ourselves” defending what we said or did. This can happen in a work situation, home, in a business transaction or with a friend. Our brain seems to get in the stuck mode repeating and even aggravating what we have said or done. It may even be obvious to others what is happening. We know it is obvious and yet we continue to justify what we are saying or doing. The seemingly simple solution would be to stop, take a breath, and admit that our brain has temporarily been hijacked by stupidity or the evil twin who lives in our body. We certainly did not willingly put ourselves in our position. After all, we are educated, allegedly intelligent individuals. We are also on a spiritual journey and this behavior is contrary to our spiritual goals and intentions.
It does not seem to matter whether he have a senior position in a company or even head of a government body. We all get stuck. One hopes that as one matures and grows spiritually this happens to one less often and when it does one immediately apologizes and does not offer any excuse. Yet, this is seeming very difficult for most of us.
I am not a person who thinks that there is any benefit to shaming self or others. I do think there is a great benefit to being accountable for our actions/publicly acknowledging one’s humanness. The benefit is two folds. If one is the person who is “stuck” there is a great sense of relief when one simply admits one did not mean what one said or did and, if needed or possible, makes amends. I have a clear memory of telling a very deliberate and stupid lie at age 4 or 5 and feeling very sad and sorry. I had blamed a friend for something and because his race was different than mine I knew my mother would believe me. One might ask how I knew at that young age to use racism with my mother. I am not sure. I just know that memory is very clear. I have many other memories of saying or doing something that did not fool anyone, least of all me and, yet, getting “struck” defending what I had said or did. The second reason for “fessing up/being accountable” is so that the person or persons with whom one has had this “stupid attack” is not so confused and disoriented attempting to make sense out of this interaction. I often call it crazy making. I am sure all of us have been on the receiving end of “crazy making” words or other behavior. I am not using the term “crazy making” clinically.
My Buddhist teacher would suggest that when one notices that one has just said or done something which is inconsistent with one’s core values the goal is to simply notice without labeling one’s action as bad or stupid. If one does not assign a negative label it is a simple matter to apologize and/or correct oneself without any need to explain one’s behavior. One simply had this human moment. Do not call the psychiatrist, counselor or spiritual director. Do not put on sackcloth and ashes.
It is fascinating to me that every wise teacher reminds all of us that a significant sign of spiritual growth is accepting that it is okay to be human. Paradoxically there is direct positive correlation between accepting one’s humanness and treating others with unconditional love and respect. One no longer has a need to prove that one is better than, smarter than, or wiser than. We all have much that is positive to offer each other and we have our human moments which fall a bit short of being our best. A very young child does who has not been abused does not spend a lot of energy chastising oneself every time they make a mistake. They simply move on with their exploration of themselves and their world. Perhaps, once again, the young child is our best teacher.
Written September 10, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
I suspect all of us, at times in our lives, have said or done something, realized that we did not even mean what we said or did and, yet, “find ourselves” defending what we said or did. This can happen in a work situation, home, in a business transaction or with a friend. Our brain seems to get in the stuck mode repeating and even aggravating what we have said or done. It may even be obvious to others what is happening. We know it is obvious and yet we continue to justify what we are saying or doing. The seemingly simple solution would be to stop, take a breath, and admit that our brain has temporarily been hijacked by stupidity or the evil twin who lives in our body. We certainly did not willingly put ourselves in our position. After all, we are educated, allegedly intelligent individuals. We are also on a spiritual journey and this behavior is contrary to our spiritual goals and intentions.
It does not seem to matter whether he have a senior position in a company or even head of a government body. We all get stuck. One hopes that as one matures and grows spiritually this happens to one less often and when it does one immediately apologizes and does not offer any excuse. Yet, this is seeming very difficult for most of us.
I am not a person who thinks that there is any benefit to shaming self or others. I do think there is a great benefit to being accountable for our actions/publicly acknowledging one’s humanness. The benefit is two folds. If one is the person who is “stuck” there is a great sense of relief when one simply admits one did not mean what one said or did and, if needed or possible, makes amends. I have a clear memory of telling a very deliberate and stupid lie at age 4 or 5 and feeling very sad and sorry. I had blamed a friend for something and because his race was different than mine I knew my mother would believe me. One might ask how I knew at that young age to use racism with my mother. I am not sure. I just know that memory is very clear. I have many other memories of saying or doing something that did not fool anyone, least of all me and, yet, getting “struck” defending what I had said or did. The second reason for “fessing up/being accountable” is so that the person or persons with whom one has had this “stupid attack” is not so confused and disoriented attempting to make sense out of this interaction. I often call it crazy making. I am sure all of us have been on the receiving end of “crazy making” words or other behavior. I am not using the term “crazy making” clinically.
My Buddhist teacher would suggest that when one notices that one has just said or done something which is inconsistent with one’s core values the goal is to simply notice without labeling one’s action as bad or stupid. If one does not assign a negative label it is a simple matter to apologize and/or correct oneself without any need to explain one’s behavior. One simply had this human moment. Do not call the psychiatrist, counselor or spiritual director. Do not put on sackcloth and ashes.
It is fascinating to me that every wise teacher reminds all of us that a significant sign of spiritual growth is accepting that it is okay to be human. Paradoxically there is direct positive correlation between accepting one’s humanness and treating others with unconditional love and respect. One no longer has a need to prove that one is better than, smarter than, or wiser than. We all have much that is positive to offer each other and we have our human moments which fall a bit short of being our best. A very young child does who has not been abused does not spend a lot of energy chastising oneself every time they make a mistake. They simply move on with their exploration of themselves and their world. Perhaps, once again, the young child is our best teacher.
Written September 10, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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