Giving away our power
Many of us learned very early in life to give others the power to decide whether we are worth while; worth loving. We may have been conceived and born to parents who did not have the opportunity or good fortune to heal from their own emotional wounds prior to becoming parents. They may have projected their self-hate onto us. We may have had playmates and later classmates or even teachers and other caretakers who projected their wounds onto us. Slowly, we began to believe these projections; to decide that indeed we are not worth loving and respected. The famous psychologist Alice Miller of Polish-Jewish origins, author of The Drama of the Gifted Child maintains that if we do not work through and correct the lies we learn about ourselves we are destined to project our wounds onto others (My memory of her words and not a direct quote.) She often uses the life of famous people such as Adolph Hitler, to demonstrate how we pass these wounds to others. Hitler, as evidenced my some of his early childhood drawings, learned many lies about himself. Given his intelligence, the historical times in which he lived, the readiness of others around the world to continue to blame specific groups for their own internal discomfort with themselves it was easy for him to fan the flames of oppression against Jews, Catholics, the mentally retarded, homosexuals, and a host of others with socially constructed labels.
As I have previously stated, in a perfect world, all of us would begin as early as possible to identify and correct the lies we learn about ourselves and the world. Sadly, that seldom happens leaving us vulnerable to continue giving others the power to decide our worth.
It is the responsibility of each of us whose mental health allows it to decide our own criteria for determining our worth. We may, as does Mother Theresa. Father Greg Boyle, and a host of other philosophers and theologians, decide that we are perfect in our imperfection. Father Boyle suggests that the God of his understanding is much too busy loving us to be disappointed in us. Those who use the framework of the 12-step program suggest that one focus on the fact that we are doing the best we can do today, make amends for past hurt of others when possible and quit holding ourselves to a standard none of us can attain. The Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron, suggest that one drop the dualities; that one quit labeling behavior as bad or good and focus on being present to the sacred part of ourselves; focus on being close to our own hearts which naturally are connected to the hearts of others (again, my wording and understanding).
The goal is to decide what gives us worth and to affirm within the context of our imperfect humanness that no matter what others say or do these criteria determine our worth. In my value system some of the criteria for deciding worth are to strive to:
Obviously if tomorrow my brain is overtaken by the factors which cause dementia, tumors or some other condition affecting how it function I cannot be held responsible for my behavior. Given the absence of those conditions today I have the opportunity to decide my own worth. I do not believe, however, that my worth should ever be at the expense of the worth of another.
Written December 26, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Many of us learned very early in life to give others the power to decide whether we are worth while; worth loving. We may have been conceived and born to parents who did not have the opportunity or good fortune to heal from their own emotional wounds prior to becoming parents. They may have projected their self-hate onto us. We may have had playmates and later classmates or even teachers and other caretakers who projected their wounds onto us. Slowly, we began to believe these projections; to decide that indeed we are not worth loving and respected. The famous psychologist Alice Miller of Polish-Jewish origins, author of The Drama of the Gifted Child maintains that if we do not work through and correct the lies we learn about ourselves we are destined to project our wounds onto others (My memory of her words and not a direct quote.) She often uses the life of famous people such as Adolph Hitler, to demonstrate how we pass these wounds to others. Hitler, as evidenced my some of his early childhood drawings, learned many lies about himself. Given his intelligence, the historical times in which he lived, the readiness of others around the world to continue to blame specific groups for their own internal discomfort with themselves it was easy for him to fan the flames of oppression against Jews, Catholics, the mentally retarded, homosexuals, and a host of others with socially constructed labels.
As I have previously stated, in a perfect world, all of us would begin as early as possible to identify and correct the lies we learn about ourselves and the world. Sadly, that seldom happens leaving us vulnerable to continue giving others the power to decide our worth.
It is the responsibility of each of us whose mental health allows it to decide our own criteria for determining our worth. We may, as does Mother Theresa. Father Greg Boyle, and a host of other philosophers and theologians, decide that we are perfect in our imperfection. Father Boyle suggests that the God of his understanding is much too busy loving us to be disappointed in us. Those who use the framework of the 12-step program suggest that one focus on the fact that we are doing the best we can do today, make amends for past hurt of others when possible and quit holding ourselves to a standard none of us can attain. The Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron, suggest that one drop the dualities; that one quit labeling behavior as bad or good and focus on being present to the sacred part of ourselves; focus on being close to our own hearts which naturally are connected to the hearts of others (again, my wording and understanding).
The goal is to decide what gives us worth and to affirm within the context of our imperfect humanness that no matter what others say or do these criteria determine our worth. In my value system some of the criteria for deciding worth are to strive to:
- Accept my humanness which allow for owning and correcting my mistakes.
- Accept that all my behavior affects the entire universe.
- Be kind and non-judgmental of others.
- Be responsible for my emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health.
- Accept that the behavior of others is not about me even if directed at me.
Obviously if tomorrow my brain is overtaken by the factors which cause dementia, tumors or some other condition affecting how it function I cannot be held responsible for my behavior. Given the absence of those conditions today I have the opportunity to decide my own worth. I do not believe, however, that my worth should ever be at the expense of the worth of another.
Written December 26, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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