Grandma Fannie said: “Say what you mean and mean what you say.”
Grandma Fannie was a bright, educated woman. She read constantly and would have, I am sure, embraced the wealth of knowledge available to her via the Internet. I am also sure, were alive, we would have supplanted the snail mail letter with equally erudite discussions regarding a variety of issues via email. I doubt that she would have embraced those avenues of technology, which seems to restrict one to sound bites. I have previously written about her admonition to “Say what you mean but do not say it mean.” She was also fond of saying, “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” Although she admired and loved to read those who had fun with words I do not recall her ever using the term euphemisms or using a word to dress a negative in an elegant ball gown. This morning, while at the gym, I was listening to a news report about the seemingly frequent use of the term optics to describe an action, which was illegal, immoral, or, at best, a misuse of taxpayer money. For example, one cabinet level person stated, “I do recognize the optics of this are not good.” referring to the revelation that he had used taxpayer money to pay for his wife’s travel with him to Europe.” Other politicians have used the term optics to describe other actions which were clearly unethical and/or illegal. When one uses terms such as optics or even the more common word appearance to describe an action one is suggesting that the action is not what it seems.
If I had said to Grandma Fannie, “I know the optics are not good regarding the fact that I told you I gathered the eggs but there were none and, yet, when you checked there were three dozen eggs.” Grandma Fannie would very clearly have said, “Young man, don’t give me any of that optics crap. You lied because you forgot or did not want to gather the eggs.”
We professionals often convince ourselves that we have honed the art of covering the lie with a colorful piece of duct tape. If representing a client in court an attorney might say, “I know it appears or the optics are that my client was stealing but, in fact he.” A psychologist might say in a report for the court, “The optics that this person was not of sound mind, but. … “ The school counselor might say: “The optics are that I was not doing my job when I did not return phone call from a concerned parent for three days.”
Grandma’s Fannie’s would not hesitate to say to the attorney, the psychologist or the school counselor, “You use the word optics or some other euphemisms one more time and the optics will be that I used a very sharp knife to cut out your tongue.” Actually, I am not sure that Grandma Fannie would have been quite that graphic. I suspect I was thinking that of what Tyler Perry’s character Madea might have said. Her language was a bit more colorful than that of Grandma Fannie.
Grandma Fannie was not big on punishment. She was more interested in problem solving and insuring that one did not earn the label of insane by repeating the same adverse behavior over and over and over again. The addiction recovery community is often heard to define insanity as “Repeating the same behavior over and over and expecting different results.”
Very bright, good humans have moments of stupidity. Grandma Fannie would suggest that we recognize those moments, own them, make amends if possible and devise a plan for behaving differently in the future.
I hope that the young people who have begun the movement now being called The March for our Lives follow the advice of Grandma Fannie – “Say what you mean and mean what you say”.
Written March 28, 2018
Grandma Fannie was a bright, educated woman. She read constantly and would have, I am sure, embraced the wealth of knowledge available to her via the Internet. I am also sure, were alive, we would have supplanted the snail mail letter with equally erudite discussions regarding a variety of issues via email. I doubt that she would have embraced those avenues of technology, which seems to restrict one to sound bites. I have previously written about her admonition to “Say what you mean but do not say it mean.” She was also fond of saying, “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” Although she admired and loved to read those who had fun with words I do not recall her ever using the term euphemisms or using a word to dress a negative in an elegant ball gown. This morning, while at the gym, I was listening to a news report about the seemingly frequent use of the term optics to describe an action, which was illegal, immoral, or, at best, a misuse of taxpayer money. For example, one cabinet level person stated, “I do recognize the optics of this are not good.” referring to the revelation that he had used taxpayer money to pay for his wife’s travel with him to Europe.” Other politicians have used the term optics to describe other actions which were clearly unethical and/or illegal. When one uses terms such as optics or even the more common word appearance to describe an action one is suggesting that the action is not what it seems.
If I had said to Grandma Fannie, “I know the optics are not good regarding the fact that I told you I gathered the eggs but there were none and, yet, when you checked there were three dozen eggs.” Grandma Fannie would very clearly have said, “Young man, don’t give me any of that optics crap. You lied because you forgot or did not want to gather the eggs.”
We professionals often convince ourselves that we have honed the art of covering the lie with a colorful piece of duct tape. If representing a client in court an attorney might say, “I know it appears or the optics are that my client was stealing but, in fact he.” A psychologist might say in a report for the court, “The optics that this person was not of sound mind, but. … “ The school counselor might say: “The optics are that I was not doing my job when I did not return phone call from a concerned parent for three days.”
Grandma’s Fannie’s would not hesitate to say to the attorney, the psychologist or the school counselor, “You use the word optics or some other euphemisms one more time and the optics will be that I used a very sharp knife to cut out your tongue.” Actually, I am not sure that Grandma Fannie would have been quite that graphic. I suspect I was thinking that of what Tyler Perry’s character Madea might have said. Her language was a bit more colorful than that of Grandma Fannie.
Grandma Fannie was not big on punishment. She was more interested in problem solving and insuring that one did not earn the label of insane by repeating the same adverse behavior over and over and over again. The addiction recovery community is often heard to define insanity as “Repeating the same behavior over and over and expecting different results.”
Very bright, good humans have moments of stupidity. Grandma Fannie would suggest that we recognize those moments, own them, make amends if possible and devise a plan for behaving differently in the future.
I hope that the young people who have begun the movement now being called The March for our Lives follow the advice of Grandma Fannie – “Say what you mean and mean what you say”.
Written March 28, 2018
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