Grandma Fannie says: The more things change the more they stay the same
Many of us are determined to prove that we can be whatever version of normal we have internalized. Wait! Perhaps that is not accurate. Perhaps we have determined that we will be successful because we have internalized a story line, which defines “success”.
One merely has to watch a longitudinal sample of movies over the past 80 years to get an idea of how the definitions of normal and successful change over time. If, for example, one watches movies form the 1940ies and the 1950ies it would seem that every successful person smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol, was in control, and knew that one needed to know that people and the world could easily be divided into good and bad – right or wrong. Being poor was okay as long as one did not stay poor. It was also important to be religious, Caucasian, heterosexual, and to have a clear idea of what was masculine and what was feminine.
In pockets of this and other countries, much has changed the past few years. In these pockets it is no longer cool to smoke cigarettes, to be the man who treats women as less than or weaker than, to assume everyone is Christian or Jewish, to think all good people are heterosexual or to judge others on the basis of how much money they have. On the other hand, one may still fall into other traps of trying to be normal or successful. It seems that we:
I am, once again, reminded of the teachings of Grandma Fannie. She suggested that “The more things change, the more they stay the same.” This advice was similar to the advice “Watch out for the wolf in sheep’s clothing.” She knew a simple change in the set or stage, did not change the essence of the play. For example, I once worked for/with a client who thought that because she drank expensive champagne she could not be an alcoholic. She seems to ignore the fact that she drank so continuously that she couldn’t keep a job or any relationship. I have worked with/for others who have told themselves if they cheated in business they were better than the “common” thief. I am sure that the reader can list a lot of similar ways in which each of us are prone to lie to ourselves so that we can tell others that we are not like “those” people or that our way of being self destructive is better than or less harmful than that of others.
Grandma Fannie would remind one that it was important to “walk the talk”.
We can dress up behavior and present ourselves as better than, more than, successful or even normal. Yet, unless our intentions and actions match our behavior we will not fool anyone. Most important we are not, for long, fooling ourselves.
Written December 26, 2017
Many of us are determined to prove that we can be whatever version of normal we have internalized. Wait! Perhaps that is not accurate. Perhaps we have determined that we will be successful because we have internalized a story line, which defines “success”.
One merely has to watch a longitudinal sample of movies over the past 80 years to get an idea of how the definitions of normal and successful change over time. If, for example, one watches movies form the 1940ies and the 1950ies it would seem that every successful person smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol, was in control, and knew that one needed to know that people and the world could easily be divided into good and bad – right or wrong. Being poor was okay as long as one did not stay poor. It was also important to be religious, Caucasian, heterosexual, and to have a clear idea of what was masculine and what was feminine.
In pockets of this and other countries, much has changed the past few years. In these pockets it is no longer cool to smoke cigarettes, to be the man who treats women as less than or weaker than, to assume everyone is Christian or Jewish, to think all good people are heterosexual or to judge others on the basis of how much money they have. On the other hand, one may still fall into other traps of trying to be normal or successful. It seems that we:
- Create new definitions or characteristics to separate the cool people from the non-cool people.
- Compare our insides with the outsides of other people.
- Separate people into the categories of bad, good, evil, moral and immoral.
- Believe that punishment will lead to more moral behavior.
- Justify our behavior when it is the same as that of others whom we condemn.
- Search for ways to numb us while condemning others for how they numb themselves.
I am, once again, reminded of the teachings of Grandma Fannie. She suggested that “The more things change, the more they stay the same.” This advice was similar to the advice “Watch out for the wolf in sheep’s clothing.” She knew a simple change in the set or stage, did not change the essence of the play. For example, I once worked for/with a client who thought that because she drank expensive champagne she could not be an alcoholic. She seems to ignore the fact that she drank so continuously that she couldn’t keep a job or any relationship. I have worked with/for others who have told themselves if they cheated in business they were better than the “common” thief. I am sure that the reader can list a lot of similar ways in which each of us are prone to lie to ourselves so that we can tell others that we are not like “those” people or that our way of being self destructive is better than or less harmful than that of others.
Grandma Fannie would remind one that it was important to “walk the talk”.
We can dress up behavior and present ourselves as better than, more than, successful or even normal. Yet, unless our intentions and actions match our behavior we will not fool anyone. Most important we are not, for long, fooling ourselves.
Written December 26, 2017
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