Grandma Fannie says “You can catch more flies with honey than sugar.”
Grandma Fannie did not originate the sage reminder about catching more flies with honey than vinegar.
We know that Grandma Fannie was not just talking about flies and their various cousins. She knew that if we want to change behavior we will not use the verbal equivalent of vinegar. We will use honey. Yet it seems as if us humans so often fail to grasp and apply this existential and eternal truth to our interactions with each other. We continue to attempt to change behavior by using the metaphorical equivalent of vinegar. We often focus on increasing rather than decreasing friction.
On the November 1, 2021 episode of the Hidden Brain podcast with host Shankar Vedanta, entitled “The Obstacles you don’t see.” organizational psychologist Loran Hordgren explains why failing to identify and reducing friction is often what prevents forward progress in relationships, sales goals, sports, or mechanical devises. For example, aside from gunpowder what propels a bullet forward or hinders its objective are such factors as air currents, the design of the shell, and the condition of the cylinder. Any of these can affect the amount of friction. If one is attempting to convince members of the public to wear a seat belt or get a vaccination and one does so by ordering or punishing, one is likely to encounter resistance. Even those who might have been leaning in the favor of the activity might respond by pushing back. The resulting tension is now about freedom of choice - not being told what to do - rather than about public safety.
In relationships, whether they be romantic, other family, work or community we often attempt to effect change by reciting a litany of past “sins”, punishing behavior or some other push against the person. We might even say, “Just tell me the truth and I won’t be angry.” all the while obviously choosing the sharpest stone we can find for our slingshot. This behavior almost already creates increased friction. Increased friction does not result in reconciliation or a problem solving discussion.
If a family or a couple employs me to help them determine if there is enough of a shared base to build or rebuild a relationship I insist that they clarify and stick to their goal. I let them know that if their overt or covert goal is to create more hurt or tension then I will not work for or with them. There is no point in hiring me to bear witness to their well practiced skill in creating further hurt or injury. While I appreciate the fact that some people have been storing up hurt for a long time by the time they find their way to my office, couple counseling or family therapy is not an appropriate place to verbally or otherwise vomit. If one must vomit I suggest they do that in private and never with or on their partner. If one needs me to witness their vomit they are welcome to send me an email or even a voice mail with a clear indication that it is vomit and my only role is to witness.
I will work for or with couples and families only if their goal is:
o Healing of the couple or family system
o The design and practice of building a loving and practical family system.
o Coaching to design a loving and fair separation/divorce model.
I further insist that the couple or family members agree or work toward:
o Staying in the moment - no rehashing of past behavior. No score keeping.
o Staying focused on positive requests, i.e I want or need to share in parenting of children. Not, “I want you to shut up when I am attempting to teach the children something or making a request of them .”
o No negative name calling or demeaning statements to anyone in the family.
o Active listening to each other - no advice unless asked for.
o Acceptance of sincere apologies .
o Sincere attempts to not repeat the same negative behavior.
o Family/couple meetings to problem solve with no assumptions that one’s opinion or approach is right. At the same time making a sincere effort to respect each other’s expertise.
o No physical hitting or intimidation. This includes throwing or smashing objects in anger.
o Asking for time out when getting upset with commitment to finish discussion at specific time and date.
o Owning upset without blaming other person.
o Asking for problem solving meeting if distribution of work feels unequal without accusations.
o No using sex instead of sincere amends. No expectations that sex makes up for hurtful statements or behavior.
During the course of therapy/healing any of those involved may ask for additional rules or guidelines. There may be specific behaviors or statements which are particularly triggering for one of the participants.
Written November 8, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
Grandma Fannie did not originate the sage reminder about catching more flies with honey than vinegar.
We know that Grandma Fannie was not just talking about flies and their various cousins. She knew that if we want to change behavior we will not use the verbal equivalent of vinegar. We will use honey. Yet it seems as if us humans so often fail to grasp and apply this existential and eternal truth to our interactions with each other. We continue to attempt to change behavior by using the metaphorical equivalent of vinegar. We often focus on increasing rather than decreasing friction.
On the November 1, 2021 episode of the Hidden Brain podcast with host Shankar Vedanta, entitled “The Obstacles you don’t see.” organizational psychologist Loran Hordgren explains why failing to identify and reducing friction is often what prevents forward progress in relationships, sales goals, sports, or mechanical devises. For example, aside from gunpowder what propels a bullet forward or hinders its objective are such factors as air currents, the design of the shell, and the condition of the cylinder. Any of these can affect the amount of friction. If one is attempting to convince members of the public to wear a seat belt or get a vaccination and one does so by ordering or punishing, one is likely to encounter resistance. Even those who might have been leaning in the favor of the activity might respond by pushing back. The resulting tension is now about freedom of choice - not being told what to do - rather than about public safety.
In relationships, whether they be romantic, other family, work or community we often attempt to effect change by reciting a litany of past “sins”, punishing behavior or some other push against the person. We might even say, “Just tell me the truth and I won’t be angry.” all the while obviously choosing the sharpest stone we can find for our slingshot. This behavior almost already creates increased friction. Increased friction does not result in reconciliation or a problem solving discussion.
If a family or a couple employs me to help them determine if there is enough of a shared base to build or rebuild a relationship I insist that they clarify and stick to their goal. I let them know that if their overt or covert goal is to create more hurt or tension then I will not work for or with them. There is no point in hiring me to bear witness to their well practiced skill in creating further hurt or injury. While I appreciate the fact that some people have been storing up hurt for a long time by the time they find their way to my office, couple counseling or family therapy is not an appropriate place to verbally or otherwise vomit. If one must vomit I suggest they do that in private and never with or on their partner. If one needs me to witness their vomit they are welcome to send me an email or even a voice mail with a clear indication that it is vomit and my only role is to witness.
I will work for or with couples and families only if their goal is:
o Healing of the couple or family system
o The design and practice of building a loving and practical family system.
o Coaching to design a loving and fair separation/divorce model.
I further insist that the couple or family members agree or work toward:
o Staying in the moment - no rehashing of past behavior. No score keeping.
o Staying focused on positive requests, i.e I want or need to share in parenting of children. Not, “I want you to shut up when I am attempting to teach the children something or making a request of them .”
o No negative name calling or demeaning statements to anyone in the family.
o Active listening to each other - no advice unless asked for.
o Acceptance of sincere apologies .
o Sincere attempts to not repeat the same negative behavior.
o Family/couple meetings to problem solve with no assumptions that one’s opinion or approach is right. At the same time making a sincere effort to respect each other’s expertise.
o No physical hitting or intimidation. This includes throwing or smashing objects in anger.
o Asking for time out when getting upset with commitment to finish discussion at specific time and date.
o Owning upset without blaming other person.
o Asking for problem solving meeting if distribution of work feels unequal without accusations.
o No using sex instead of sincere amends. No expectations that sex makes up for hurtful statements or behavior.
During the course of therapy/healing any of those involved may ask for additional rules or guidelines. There may be specific behaviors or statements which are particularly triggering for one of the participants.
Written November 8, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
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