Grandma Fannie speaks out on judging
Grandma Fannie quotes Matthew: “Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged; and with what measure you mete, it shall be measure to you again.”
I cannot recall Grandma Fannie criticizing or judging others. I do recall her seeming to avoid mentioning certain people or situations, but I cannot recall her being overtly critical or judgmental. She certainly had opinions what what was right and wrong, but, if I could reread all the letters she wrote me from 1958 until she died in 1979 I do not think I would find one word of criticism. She often had positive advice and encouragement but never criticism. This does not mean that she was a doormat to others. She, in fact, divorced her husband, my grandfather in 1948. She remarried him in 1950, later claiming that she only did so because she did not want him to be alone in his old age.
I can recall other people being critical of Grandma Fannie or recounting her “past sins” prior to her becoming religious. I do not recall Grandma Fannie denying her past “sins” of commission or omission.
I would like to claim that I never have any judgmental thoughts or utter any judgmental words. I wish the number of bite marks on my tongue proved my success in not uttering judgmental words but, alas, that is not the case.
As a certified addiction the therapist and a licensed counselor I often suggest that folks explore the use of the 12 step recovery programs such as AA, NA, OA, and SAA/SA. My understanding of this program is that it focuses on learning to be accountable without shaming. There is no denying the harm of active addiction to self and others. Recovery requires one own the accumulated garbage of one’s action in order to understand why one would benefit from engaging in different behavior in the future.
This seems to be the teaching to which Grandma Fannie was referring when she quoted from Matthew. I find it particularly fascinating that there is no weighed list of “sins” (hurts to self, others and Mother Nature). Although I frequently hear Christian ministers quote portions of the New or Old Testaments to justify such a weighed list that is not my understanding of the teachings of Jesus or what the science of psychology teaches us about how to change human behavior. Psychological studies consistently indicate punishment is not an effective tool for change.
Our cultural and judicial system in the United States clearly assigns levels and lengths of punishment for particular hurts. Sexual abuse of children, murder (without identified extenuating circumstances), sale of illegal drugs, abuse of older citizens, immigration violations and some other “sins” are deemed deserving of severe punishment while creative tax evasion, use of “creative” techniques to convince people to purchase and become addicted to unhealthy products, huge prices for medication or other needed products to create profit for stockholders and to pay huge salaries to top executives are deserving of praise or mild rebuke in the form of relatively small fines. There is no evidence that this system is effective in reducing sins/crime/hurt of self and others. There is ample evidence that some individuals are unable to make decisions which consider the needs of other individuals or the community at large. Scientific studies continue to validate the limits of what we like to refer to as “free will”. Wise teachers, including Grandma Fannie, had some understanding of these limits and the efficacy of being accountable (but not shameful) of our own behavior.
Clearly some people are unable to be accountable or to control their behavior. Mental illness or limitations may require that some be placed in a safe environment. Some may be responsive to treatment. Some may not. All need to be treated as we would treat any sick person or any person unable to make decisions to refrain from hurt to self or others.
When Grandma Fannie decided that Grandpa Ed’s behavior was too hurtful for her to continue to live with him, she divorced him until he was able to limit or stop his hurtful behavior. He experienced her actions as hurtful but that was not her intention. Her intention was to have a safe home for herself. When she was satisfied it was safe she remarried him but she was careful to be clear about her rights and expectations when she drafted a pre-nuptial agreement.
This may be the toughest teaching to which to aspire. It is much easier and often much more comfortable to judge than it is be accountable for one’s own behavior or to admit that one is unable to control one’s behavior. Withholding judgment from oneself may be even more difficult than withholding judgment of others. Yet, focusing on changing one’s behavior, with or without professional help, is doable.
Thanks to Grandma Fannie, the founders of AA and all wise teachers for this important reminder.
Written July 26, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Grandma Fannie quotes Matthew: “Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged; and with what measure you mete, it shall be measure to you again.”
I cannot recall Grandma Fannie criticizing or judging others. I do recall her seeming to avoid mentioning certain people or situations, but I cannot recall her being overtly critical or judgmental. She certainly had opinions what what was right and wrong, but, if I could reread all the letters she wrote me from 1958 until she died in 1979 I do not think I would find one word of criticism. She often had positive advice and encouragement but never criticism. This does not mean that she was a doormat to others. She, in fact, divorced her husband, my grandfather in 1948. She remarried him in 1950, later claiming that she only did so because she did not want him to be alone in his old age.
I can recall other people being critical of Grandma Fannie or recounting her “past sins” prior to her becoming religious. I do not recall Grandma Fannie denying her past “sins” of commission or omission.
I would like to claim that I never have any judgmental thoughts or utter any judgmental words. I wish the number of bite marks on my tongue proved my success in not uttering judgmental words but, alas, that is not the case.
As a certified addiction the therapist and a licensed counselor I often suggest that folks explore the use of the 12 step recovery programs such as AA, NA, OA, and SAA/SA. My understanding of this program is that it focuses on learning to be accountable without shaming. There is no denying the harm of active addiction to self and others. Recovery requires one own the accumulated garbage of one’s action in order to understand why one would benefit from engaging in different behavior in the future.
This seems to be the teaching to which Grandma Fannie was referring when she quoted from Matthew. I find it particularly fascinating that there is no weighed list of “sins” (hurts to self, others and Mother Nature). Although I frequently hear Christian ministers quote portions of the New or Old Testaments to justify such a weighed list that is not my understanding of the teachings of Jesus or what the science of psychology teaches us about how to change human behavior. Psychological studies consistently indicate punishment is not an effective tool for change.
Our cultural and judicial system in the United States clearly assigns levels and lengths of punishment for particular hurts. Sexual abuse of children, murder (without identified extenuating circumstances), sale of illegal drugs, abuse of older citizens, immigration violations and some other “sins” are deemed deserving of severe punishment while creative tax evasion, use of “creative” techniques to convince people to purchase and become addicted to unhealthy products, huge prices for medication or other needed products to create profit for stockholders and to pay huge salaries to top executives are deserving of praise or mild rebuke in the form of relatively small fines. There is no evidence that this system is effective in reducing sins/crime/hurt of self and others. There is ample evidence that some individuals are unable to make decisions which consider the needs of other individuals or the community at large. Scientific studies continue to validate the limits of what we like to refer to as “free will”. Wise teachers, including Grandma Fannie, had some understanding of these limits and the efficacy of being accountable (but not shameful) of our own behavior.
Clearly some people are unable to be accountable or to control their behavior. Mental illness or limitations may require that some be placed in a safe environment. Some may be responsive to treatment. Some may not. All need to be treated as we would treat any sick person or any person unable to make decisions to refrain from hurt to self or others.
When Grandma Fannie decided that Grandpa Ed’s behavior was too hurtful for her to continue to live with him, she divorced him until he was able to limit or stop his hurtful behavior. He experienced her actions as hurtful but that was not her intention. Her intention was to have a safe home for herself. When she was satisfied it was safe she remarried him but she was careful to be clear about her rights and expectations when she drafted a pre-nuptial agreement.
This may be the toughest teaching to which to aspire. It is much easier and often much more comfortable to judge than it is be accountable for one’s own behavior or to admit that one is unable to control one’s behavior. Withholding judgment from oneself may be even more difficult than withholding judgment of others. Yet, focusing on changing one’s behavior, with or without professional help, is doable.
Thanks to Grandma Fannie, the founders of AA and all wise teachers for this important reminder.
Written July 26, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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