Grandma says: “Accept responsibility.”
Grandma Fannie seemed to expect everyone in the family to make mistakes, “have a moment”, or otherwise provide evidence of one’s human imperfection. She, however, expected one to accept responsibility for one’s actions. I do not recall Grandma Fannie getting angry very often about some accident or some lapse in good judgments. She was not, however, very tolerant of any attempt to blame one’s behavior on another person or event.
I was thinking about her intolerance of failure to accept responsibility this past weekend when listening to various public officials blaming others for what seemed to me to be very obvious mistakes. As was true for Grandma Fannie, I get very confused when public officials refuse to accept responsibility for saying something which was not heard as helpful or comforting. Rather than saying they had not meant to convey the meaning that was heard by the intended recipients they blamed others for not hearing what they intended to convey.
Just this morning what I wanted to convey to a client was heard as something else. The person with whom I was talking became angry. I simply said that I was sorry that I had not spoken in a way which was clear to them. The fact that in my head what I was saying was very clear was immaterial. That is not what the person heard.
We seem to be a nation where many are often convinced that there almost always has to be a victim and a perpetrator. It is verboten to either admit one made a mistake or to be gracious when someone makes a mistake.
Grandma Fannie always seemed ready to have a plan B or to formulate a plan B. If I had failed to do my homework or some other task, the focus was on the options I now had to correct any ensuing problems - how to be more responsible in the future. If Grandma Fannie tried something which did not work, it was important to attempt to identify what could be done in the future to avoid the same mistake
There are certainly situations in which a person did something which directly or indirectly caused me emotional harm or the loss of funds. At times, I have attempted to recoup losses. Sometimes that attempt has been successful and sometimes it has not. In no case did the loss result in my having a terrible life or thinking that I was better than the person who caused me harm. I know that at times my behavior has caused harm to others. Sometimes people forgave me. Sometimes they did not.
I believe we all need to be accountable for our actions and to know that our behavior – positive and negative – affects others. Very tragic things happen to us or our loved ones. Life is not always fair or just. We sometimes need to grieve and do what we can to prevent similar actions in the future. Yet, even in our grief we can allow the support of others. If, however, we are stuck in an angry, victim role we will not experience any of that support.
Grandma Fannie was focused on learning from mistakes and problem solving. She had little time to dwell on being a victim. She was determined that no matter what happened or did not happen for today she would do her best to be a person she could be proud of.
Thanks, Grandma Fannie.
Written October 23, 2017
Grandma Fannie seemed to expect everyone in the family to make mistakes, “have a moment”, or otherwise provide evidence of one’s human imperfection. She, however, expected one to accept responsibility for one’s actions. I do not recall Grandma Fannie getting angry very often about some accident or some lapse in good judgments. She was not, however, very tolerant of any attempt to blame one’s behavior on another person or event.
I was thinking about her intolerance of failure to accept responsibility this past weekend when listening to various public officials blaming others for what seemed to me to be very obvious mistakes. As was true for Grandma Fannie, I get very confused when public officials refuse to accept responsibility for saying something which was not heard as helpful or comforting. Rather than saying they had not meant to convey the meaning that was heard by the intended recipients they blamed others for not hearing what they intended to convey.
Just this morning what I wanted to convey to a client was heard as something else. The person with whom I was talking became angry. I simply said that I was sorry that I had not spoken in a way which was clear to them. The fact that in my head what I was saying was very clear was immaterial. That is not what the person heard.
We seem to be a nation where many are often convinced that there almost always has to be a victim and a perpetrator. It is verboten to either admit one made a mistake or to be gracious when someone makes a mistake.
Grandma Fannie always seemed ready to have a plan B or to formulate a plan B. If I had failed to do my homework or some other task, the focus was on the options I now had to correct any ensuing problems - how to be more responsible in the future. If Grandma Fannie tried something which did not work, it was important to attempt to identify what could be done in the future to avoid the same mistake
There are certainly situations in which a person did something which directly or indirectly caused me emotional harm or the loss of funds. At times, I have attempted to recoup losses. Sometimes that attempt has been successful and sometimes it has not. In no case did the loss result in my having a terrible life or thinking that I was better than the person who caused me harm. I know that at times my behavior has caused harm to others. Sometimes people forgave me. Sometimes they did not.
I believe we all need to be accountable for our actions and to know that our behavior – positive and negative – affects others. Very tragic things happen to us or our loved ones. Life is not always fair or just. We sometimes need to grieve and do what we can to prevent similar actions in the future. Yet, even in our grief we can allow the support of others. If, however, we are stuck in an angry, victim role we will not experience any of that support.
Grandma Fannie was focused on learning from mistakes and problem solving. She had little time to dwell on being a victim. She was determined that no matter what happened or did not happen for today she would do her best to be a person she could be proud of.
Thanks, Grandma Fannie.
Written October 23, 2017
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