Grandma says: “Own your integrity.” or “Did I ask you what other children are doing?”
Of all of Grandma Fannie wise teachings some form of this one was heard often from her as well from other adults including my mother. Perhaps that was because some part of my brain was not yet developed enough to accept that it did not matter what my peers were doing, wearing, or planning. Surely I must have realized after the third, fourth or one hundred try to offer the example of my peers (accurate or not) as a justification or excuse for my behavior it was not likely to work.
I would, of course, be much older before I began to appreciate the sometimes-painful wisdom of holding on to my integrity no matter what others said, did or did not do. As a child and even as an adult I held on to the belief or perhaps hope that I could be excused if I made decisions about my behavior based on the behavior of others. After all, if someone has mistreated, cheated, or deliberately attempted to injure me in some way I could not be expected to treat them with unconditional love and respect. Anytime that I want confirmation that I am justified in treating “them” as I experienced “them” as “they” treat me, I do not have to look far.
Likewise, any time I want to justify focusing on making money so I can be rewarded for my years of education and buy a bigger house, a more expensive car or take a more interesting vacation I only have to glance at the nearest magazine, billboard or television advertisement. I deserve to be rewarded for my hard work and years of education. I deserve to be rewarded for being a responsible citizen. After all, I have a clean house, a neat lawn, and clean, fashionable clothes. It is not my fault that other people are lazy, dirty, and irresponsible. There is no shortage of people who will validate my arrogant, self-righteous arguments.
Grandma Fannie and some other adults in my childhood seemed to expect sainthood. They would recite quotes attributed to Jesus. Later, some would quote Buddha or some other wise teacher.
By the time I was an adult, although I had not come close to behavior resembling Mother Theresa or any of the other saints. Every time I strayed from those values which I had been taught as a child I felt off balance or not myself. Every time, I heard myself judging another or reciting the “list” of sins of others as an excuse for mean, unkind, or withholding behavior I heard Grandma Fannie, mother, the pastor or some other voices which have taken up permanent residence in my head saying, “All you own is your integrity.”
When I first became familiar with the 12 step programs such as AA, NA and OA I often heard, “Do the next right thing. Just do the next right thing no matter what.” I would hear those in early recovery repeating my old refrain of “but”.
Not surprisingly, other humans also struggle with focusing on doing the next right thing no matter what others do or do not do; no matter if those around one are fair or unfair; or no matter what injustices one has suffered. Whether it is the justification of killing because someone else has killed, the withholding of kindness because someone else has been unkind; the refusal to talk respectfully because someone else has been disrespectful it is easy to ignore the teachings which I say I believe; teachings such as “Love your enemy. Do not throw the first stone. Do not judge.”. Yet, the other voice which has kidnapped my brain and may heart shout out at me, “You only own your integrity and the core of your integrity is doing the next right thing no matter what.”
I keep thinking that soon it will always be comfortable just doing the next right thing. Yet, although it is less uncomfortable it is not yet comfortable all the time. I often think of some of the letters of Mother Theresa when she was busy doing the work which has been determined to be saintly. In those letters, she often expressed a range of emotions including doubt about God and her faith. Yet apparently, she knew that taking care of the least of these was the next right thing no matter whether the God of her understanding existed or not.
I am certainly not a Mother Theresa, a Pope Francis or even that homeless person who takes time to be kind to me. I do “know” that all I own is my integrity. Still, perhaps this one time this little shortcut or detour would be okay. “No? But!”
Once again I am reminded that I still need Grandma Fannie to channel what every wise person has always know. “All you own is your integrity.”
Thanks.
Written July 24, 2017
Of all of Grandma Fannie wise teachings some form of this one was heard often from her as well from other adults including my mother. Perhaps that was because some part of my brain was not yet developed enough to accept that it did not matter what my peers were doing, wearing, or planning. Surely I must have realized after the third, fourth or one hundred try to offer the example of my peers (accurate or not) as a justification or excuse for my behavior it was not likely to work.
I would, of course, be much older before I began to appreciate the sometimes-painful wisdom of holding on to my integrity no matter what others said, did or did not do. As a child and even as an adult I held on to the belief or perhaps hope that I could be excused if I made decisions about my behavior based on the behavior of others. After all, if someone has mistreated, cheated, or deliberately attempted to injure me in some way I could not be expected to treat them with unconditional love and respect. Anytime that I want confirmation that I am justified in treating “them” as I experienced “them” as “they” treat me, I do not have to look far.
Likewise, any time I want to justify focusing on making money so I can be rewarded for my years of education and buy a bigger house, a more expensive car or take a more interesting vacation I only have to glance at the nearest magazine, billboard or television advertisement. I deserve to be rewarded for my hard work and years of education. I deserve to be rewarded for being a responsible citizen. After all, I have a clean house, a neat lawn, and clean, fashionable clothes. It is not my fault that other people are lazy, dirty, and irresponsible. There is no shortage of people who will validate my arrogant, self-righteous arguments.
Grandma Fannie and some other adults in my childhood seemed to expect sainthood. They would recite quotes attributed to Jesus. Later, some would quote Buddha or some other wise teacher.
By the time I was an adult, although I had not come close to behavior resembling Mother Theresa or any of the other saints. Every time I strayed from those values which I had been taught as a child I felt off balance or not myself. Every time, I heard myself judging another or reciting the “list” of sins of others as an excuse for mean, unkind, or withholding behavior I heard Grandma Fannie, mother, the pastor or some other voices which have taken up permanent residence in my head saying, “All you own is your integrity.”
When I first became familiar with the 12 step programs such as AA, NA and OA I often heard, “Do the next right thing. Just do the next right thing no matter what.” I would hear those in early recovery repeating my old refrain of “but”.
Not surprisingly, other humans also struggle with focusing on doing the next right thing no matter what others do or do not do; no matter if those around one are fair or unfair; or no matter what injustices one has suffered. Whether it is the justification of killing because someone else has killed, the withholding of kindness because someone else has been unkind; the refusal to talk respectfully because someone else has been disrespectful it is easy to ignore the teachings which I say I believe; teachings such as “Love your enemy. Do not throw the first stone. Do not judge.”. Yet, the other voice which has kidnapped my brain and may heart shout out at me, “You only own your integrity and the core of your integrity is doing the next right thing no matter what.”
I keep thinking that soon it will always be comfortable just doing the next right thing. Yet, although it is less uncomfortable it is not yet comfortable all the time. I often think of some of the letters of Mother Theresa when she was busy doing the work which has been determined to be saintly. In those letters, she often expressed a range of emotions including doubt about God and her faith. Yet apparently, she knew that taking care of the least of these was the next right thing no matter whether the God of her understanding existed or not.
I am certainly not a Mother Theresa, a Pope Francis or even that homeless person who takes time to be kind to me. I do “know” that all I own is my integrity. Still, perhaps this one time this little shortcut or detour would be okay. “No? But!”
Once again I am reminded that I still need Grandma Fannie to channel what every wise person has always know. “All you own is your integrity.”
Thanks.
Written July 24, 2017
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