Grandma says: “Respect your elders. Always say sir and madam
Actually, Grandma Fannie was not the only adult to frequently remind me and my siblings that all adults - all elders – were to be respected. One of the behaviors which indicated respect was to always respond to a question or a command from an adult with yes sir/madam or no sir/madam. Asking why or any behavior short of unquestioned obedience was sure to elicit the displeasure of the adult. Explaining that one behaved in such and such a manner because of the behavior of another child or, God forbid, an adult was clearly a symptom of a temporary lapse in sanity, common sense or that the devil or some other “disease” had taken over one’s mind. If one slipped and audibly mumbled something it was clear to the adult that you were unable to control your tongue and asking for help in doing do.
It might seem to us children that clearly some adults did not deserve respect or were just plain mean, but one did not dare voice that opinion to another adult. Since many of our homes did not have a telephone and, if one did, the telephone was for emergencies only and since we have never heard of child protective services, our only option was to give the adult a facsimile of a sincere, respectful “Yes sir/madam.” or No Madam/sir.” Any symptom of surliness might elicit a suggestion that such an ungrateful child might look for another home.
I think that I was in my early twenties the first time that some child addressed me as sir. Rather than feeling honored that I had finally, as a white male, reached adult status, I had very mixed feelings. I was, of course, happy to be finally of an age which deserve respect based solely on chronological status. On the other hand, since, in my mind, all real adult were old. I was somewhat insulted to be considered old. Besides, with my blond hair and slight statue, I still saw a very young child when I peered into a mirror.
Much has changed since Grandma Fannie first attempted to teach us children to respect adults. No longer are adults necessarily addressed with sir and madam until one reaches the stages in life when one is clearly older than dirt. I have been older than dirt for some time now and well aware that when someone says “After you sir.” “Can I help you sir.” it is because they fail to see that I am still a vibrant, sexy, muscled, young person. I am not sure how they fail to perceive these obvious facts. Far from sir being a respectful form of address I hear it as the insult it is clearly meant to be.
I digress. Clearly Grandma Fannie wanted to teach us children that it was okay that we did not know much and adults were there to teach us what it meant to not only respect adults but oneself and other children. Actually, if one asked a why question in what was considered a respectful manner, one earned the admiration of Grandma Fannie. When I think about it Grandma Fannie did not condone speaking disrespectfully to anyone in her home. She may or may not have fully come to terms with the fact that she had Native American heritage herself, but any Native American who visited her home or in whose presence we found ourselves was to be treated with respect. Other children also deserved respect.
With Grandma Fannie, it was easy to give respect because it felt as if one was treated with respect. There might have been some adults in one’s life who one felt did not treat one with respect but Grandma Fannie would not have accepted that as a reason for being disrespectful. Although I do not recall her ever using the serenity prayer as a teaching tool, in fact she wanted children in her home to know that no matter how others behaved one was responsible for behaving in a way which was consistent with the core values one had been taught. There were no exceptions to this rule. What one had control over was one’s behavior. One could not control the behavior of other people. One needed to focus on what one can control – one’s behavior.
Although I am grateful that much of our society has decided that racism, sexism, homophobia, ageism, respect for the mentally and the intellectually challenged is not acceptable or moral, I am saddened that, along the way, to moral growth, something has been lost. It seems as if many now justify disrespectful behavior because of what others did or did not do. Often it seems as if it has become acceptable to blame others for unkind, disrespectful behavior. Sadly, it also seems as if the mandate to quit treating others with disrespect based on gender, race, sexual orientation, nationality, religion, age, mental and physical capacity is now being discounted. Some are deriding “political correctness” as if it is again okay to treat others who have socially constructed differences with disrespect.
While Grandma Fannie had not yet been challenged to think past what she had learned about race, sexual orientation and other discriminatory practices, if she was alive today I think that she would be challenging herself or her family to broaden our concept of respect and, thus, our treatment of “all God’s children”.
Yes, sir/madam and no sir/madam, please, and thank you may seem too “old fashioned” but perhaps it is time to rethink some of what we have apparently relegated to the trash of useless niceties. I think Grandma Fannie would agree.
Written June 26, 2017
Actually, Grandma Fannie was not the only adult to frequently remind me and my siblings that all adults - all elders – were to be respected. One of the behaviors which indicated respect was to always respond to a question or a command from an adult with yes sir/madam or no sir/madam. Asking why or any behavior short of unquestioned obedience was sure to elicit the displeasure of the adult. Explaining that one behaved in such and such a manner because of the behavior of another child or, God forbid, an adult was clearly a symptom of a temporary lapse in sanity, common sense or that the devil or some other “disease” had taken over one’s mind. If one slipped and audibly mumbled something it was clear to the adult that you were unable to control your tongue and asking for help in doing do.
It might seem to us children that clearly some adults did not deserve respect or were just plain mean, but one did not dare voice that opinion to another adult. Since many of our homes did not have a telephone and, if one did, the telephone was for emergencies only and since we have never heard of child protective services, our only option was to give the adult a facsimile of a sincere, respectful “Yes sir/madam.” or No Madam/sir.” Any symptom of surliness might elicit a suggestion that such an ungrateful child might look for another home.
I think that I was in my early twenties the first time that some child addressed me as sir. Rather than feeling honored that I had finally, as a white male, reached adult status, I had very mixed feelings. I was, of course, happy to be finally of an age which deserve respect based solely on chronological status. On the other hand, since, in my mind, all real adult were old. I was somewhat insulted to be considered old. Besides, with my blond hair and slight statue, I still saw a very young child when I peered into a mirror.
Much has changed since Grandma Fannie first attempted to teach us children to respect adults. No longer are adults necessarily addressed with sir and madam until one reaches the stages in life when one is clearly older than dirt. I have been older than dirt for some time now and well aware that when someone says “After you sir.” “Can I help you sir.” it is because they fail to see that I am still a vibrant, sexy, muscled, young person. I am not sure how they fail to perceive these obvious facts. Far from sir being a respectful form of address I hear it as the insult it is clearly meant to be.
I digress. Clearly Grandma Fannie wanted to teach us children that it was okay that we did not know much and adults were there to teach us what it meant to not only respect adults but oneself and other children. Actually, if one asked a why question in what was considered a respectful manner, one earned the admiration of Grandma Fannie. When I think about it Grandma Fannie did not condone speaking disrespectfully to anyone in her home. She may or may not have fully come to terms with the fact that she had Native American heritage herself, but any Native American who visited her home or in whose presence we found ourselves was to be treated with respect. Other children also deserved respect.
With Grandma Fannie, it was easy to give respect because it felt as if one was treated with respect. There might have been some adults in one’s life who one felt did not treat one with respect but Grandma Fannie would not have accepted that as a reason for being disrespectful. Although I do not recall her ever using the serenity prayer as a teaching tool, in fact she wanted children in her home to know that no matter how others behaved one was responsible for behaving in a way which was consistent with the core values one had been taught. There were no exceptions to this rule. What one had control over was one’s behavior. One could not control the behavior of other people. One needed to focus on what one can control – one’s behavior.
Although I am grateful that much of our society has decided that racism, sexism, homophobia, ageism, respect for the mentally and the intellectually challenged is not acceptable or moral, I am saddened that, along the way, to moral growth, something has been lost. It seems as if many now justify disrespectful behavior because of what others did or did not do. Often it seems as if it has become acceptable to blame others for unkind, disrespectful behavior. Sadly, it also seems as if the mandate to quit treating others with disrespect based on gender, race, sexual orientation, nationality, religion, age, mental and physical capacity is now being discounted. Some are deriding “political correctness” as if it is again okay to treat others who have socially constructed differences with disrespect.
While Grandma Fannie had not yet been challenged to think past what she had learned about race, sexual orientation and other discriminatory practices, if she was alive today I think that she would be challenging herself or her family to broaden our concept of respect and, thus, our treatment of “all God’s children”.
Yes, sir/madam and no sir/madam, please, and thank you may seem too “old fashioned” but perhaps it is time to rethink some of what we have apparently relegated to the trash of useless niceties. I think Grandma Fannie would agree.
Written June 26, 2017
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