Grandma says: Say what you mean but don’t say it mean.
This morning some word, action or sound triggered the memory of this sage advice with which Grandma Fannie gifted her grandchildren. I was not listening to, reading about or consciously thinking about the rhetoric of politicians or that of cyber bullies, but once this memory visited I thought about how easy it can be to “slip” into meanness when attempting to get a point across. I experienced an example just a few minutes ago. I was talking with a very kind and patient technical person who is employed by the company which manufactures the laser printer I use. What she told me to do was not working and it felt to me as if she was convinced I was not following her simple instructions. I had to be very intentional about kindly telling her that I was doing exactly what she told me to and it was not working. It would have been easy for me to respond to her in an unkind manner. I am well aware that I am sensitive to anyone implying that I am stupid or incapable of following simple instructions. I am also well aware of the etiology of this sensitivity. It dates back to my childhood which was a very long time ago. All the mean things I wanted to say to the person who often accused me of being stupid, I now want to say to anyone whose behavior triggers that old memory.
I suspect that early experiences are responsible for many of the mean ways that we communicate with each other. Rather than dealing with old, often hurtful messages which we bring to a current experience we lash out at a person who has no idea of our history. If indeed they said something unkind, saying something unkind back to them is not going to accomplish anything other than keeping what I call a tennis game of mean or hurtful words flying back and forth.
Obviously if one’s intent is to problem solve or accomplish some positive goal being mean, spiteful, hateful, sarcastic, or otherwise unkind is not likely to result in any positive outcome.
Grandma Fannie the schoolmarm wanted her grandchildren and our cousins to learn to communicate in a way which accomplished some goal other than sparing with another person. She seemed to firmly believe that the world would be a better place if we could say what we meant but say it in a way which allowed the other person(s) to hear. She was convinced, even without the backup of sophisticated blind studies, that being mean would almost always result in more meanness and would not lead to any worthwhile results.
She was clear and often demonstrated that it was important to be assertive – to say what one meant. For example, she kept the books for she and her husband, my grandfather. It grandpa overspent and “borrowed” a nickel (worth much more in those days) she was clear that he needed to pay it back. The accounts need to balance so that the bills could be paid. If she had an opinion about some issue which she considered important to the family, the church or the community she was not hesitant about expressing that opinion. She had little tolerance for failure to speak up when an issue was important to her. Yet, I cannot recall that she was ever mean in how she said something. Certainly, she did not tolerate meanness is her grandchildren.
Perhaps others experienced her differently but this is my very private memory.
A state politician recently said something about a colleague which I heard as very mean spirited. The next day he was applauding the same person. His way of explaining the sudden shift was to say it was just politics. Really! It does seem, at times, that we can blame meanness on the normal dance of politics, tiredness, alcohol, or the behavior of another but I do not recall ever being so mentally challenged that I thought such excuses would be accepted by Grandma Fannie. Perhaps I did try and quickly discovered that it was a “no go.” I knew or so it seems to me that I was responsible for what I said. If my goal was to be mean Jesus need not concern himself because Grandmas Fannie would very kindly, but clearly, let me know that meanness was not consistent with the values which were important to our family. If one made a mistake the goal seemed to be problem solving rather than either punishment or shaming.
Grandma Fannie had a way of communicating which was very clear and which did not invite arguing or talking back. If she said that such and such behavior was not acceptable to her or Jesus, one knew that one did not offer an alternative opinion.
I do not know if it is now more socially acceptable to me mean. Sometimes it seems like that but then I remember the bullying, the racism, the sexism and the homophobia which I experienced as a child. If I read about the political behavior of that time I find many examples of mean statements about one’s opponent. True, there was not 24/7 news coverage but clearly one could not avoid knowing that many people were very critical and often just pure mean.
Grandma Fannie did her best to teach her grandchildren and any other child who arrived in her sphere of influence or physical presence to “Say what you mean and do not say it mean.” As it was then, it is still sage advice which I personally want to remember.
Thanks, Grandma Fannie.
Written April 10, 2017
This morning some word, action or sound triggered the memory of this sage advice with which Grandma Fannie gifted her grandchildren. I was not listening to, reading about or consciously thinking about the rhetoric of politicians or that of cyber bullies, but once this memory visited I thought about how easy it can be to “slip” into meanness when attempting to get a point across. I experienced an example just a few minutes ago. I was talking with a very kind and patient technical person who is employed by the company which manufactures the laser printer I use. What she told me to do was not working and it felt to me as if she was convinced I was not following her simple instructions. I had to be very intentional about kindly telling her that I was doing exactly what she told me to and it was not working. It would have been easy for me to respond to her in an unkind manner. I am well aware that I am sensitive to anyone implying that I am stupid or incapable of following simple instructions. I am also well aware of the etiology of this sensitivity. It dates back to my childhood which was a very long time ago. All the mean things I wanted to say to the person who often accused me of being stupid, I now want to say to anyone whose behavior triggers that old memory.
I suspect that early experiences are responsible for many of the mean ways that we communicate with each other. Rather than dealing with old, often hurtful messages which we bring to a current experience we lash out at a person who has no idea of our history. If indeed they said something unkind, saying something unkind back to them is not going to accomplish anything other than keeping what I call a tennis game of mean or hurtful words flying back and forth.
Obviously if one’s intent is to problem solve or accomplish some positive goal being mean, spiteful, hateful, sarcastic, or otherwise unkind is not likely to result in any positive outcome.
Grandma Fannie the schoolmarm wanted her grandchildren and our cousins to learn to communicate in a way which accomplished some goal other than sparing with another person. She seemed to firmly believe that the world would be a better place if we could say what we meant but say it in a way which allowed the other person(s) to hear. She was convinced, even without the backup of sophisticated blind studies, that being mean would almost always result in more meanness and would not lead to any worthwhile results.
She was clear and often demonstrated that it was important to be assertive – to say what one meant. For example, she kept the books for she and her husband, my grandfather. It grandpa overspent and “borrowed” a nickel (worth much more in those days) she was clear that he needed to pay it back. The accounts need to balance so that the bills could be paid. If she had an opinion about some issue which she considered important to the family, the church or the community she was not hesitant about expressing that opinion. She had little tolerance for failure to speak up when an issue was important to her. Yet, I cannot recall that she was ever mean in how she said something. Certainly, she did not tolerate meanness is her grandchildren.
Perhaps others experienced her differently but this is my very private memory.
A state politician recently said something about a colleague which I heard as very mean spirited. The next day he was applauding the same person. His way of explaining the sudden shift was to say it was just politics. Really! It does seem, at times, that we can blame meanness on the normal dance of politics, tiredness, alcohol, or the behavior of another but I do not recall ever being so mentally challenged that I thought such excuses would be accepted by Grandma Fannie. Perhaps I did try and quickly discovered that it was a “no go.” I knew or so it seems to me that I was responsible for what I said. If my goal was to be mean Jesus need not concern himself because Grandmas Fannie would very kindly, but clearly, let me know that meanness was not consistent with the values which were important to our family. If one made a mistake the goal seemed to be problem solving rather than either punishment or shaming.
Grandma Fannie had a way of communicating which was very clear and which did not invite arguing or talking back. If she said that such and such behavior was not acceptable to her or Jesus, one knew that one did not offer an alternative opinion.
I do not know if it is now more socially acceptable to me mean. Sometimes it seems like that but then I remember the bullying, the racism, the sexism and the homophobia which I experienced as a child. If I read about the political behavior of that time I find many examples of mean statements about one’s opponent. True, there was not 24/7 news coverage but clearly one could not avoid knowing that many people were very critical and often just pure mean.
Grandma Fannie did her best to teach her grandchildren and any other child who arrived in her sphere of influence or physical presence to “Say what you mean and do not say it mean.” As it was then, it is still sage advice which I personally want to remember.
Thanks, Grandma Fannie.
Written April 10, 2017
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