Grandma says: "Walk a mile in their shoes."

​Grandma says:  “Walk a mile in their shoes.”
 
This wise reminder arrived from Grandma Fannie in many formats.  From the perspective of my seventh decade I now more fully understand why she (and many other teachers) were so persistent in their efforts to insure that we children understood the importance of this teaching.   I can think of just a few of the vessel of words in which the message was delivered:
 

• Judge not lest you be judged.
• Let the person who is without sin cast the first stone.
• The other person with whom you are angry mirrors what is going on with you.
• You have no idea what that person has been through.
• Have your seriously thought about what it would be like to experience X?
• You think you are better than Y.

 
I am not suggesting that any of us, including Grandma Fannie, ever reach that stage of development free of judgment of others.  While I may be less judgmental than I was 20 years ago or even one years ago, I daily notice that a judgmental thought suddenly visits my mind – often when I least expect it.  The Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron, has suggested in one of her teachings that one walk one block on a busy city sidewalk and just notice how often one judges others.  I have often done this and quickly notice I, who likes to think of myself as practicing being non-judgmental,  will, in my mind, make numerous judgmental comments, both positive and negative based on how people are dressed, how they carry themselves, and what I perceive to be their attitude.  I have no history with most of these people who are the subject of my judgments.  I have no idea of their joys, hardships, griefs, traumas, or other life experiences.  I have not walked in their shoes and do not have enough information to make any assumptions or judgments.  Yet, I readily do so.
 
Often if attending a 12-step lead meeting I hear individuals telling their stories of addiction and  recovery saying that at the height of their addiction they “found themselves” engaging in behavior which they swore they would never do. 
 
Many of us, if we are honest with ourselves, and live more than five minutes, “find ourselves” having a thought or engaging in a  behavior for which we have judged others.  We may hear ourselves saying, “How can they?  I would never do that.  Have they no sense of morals or shame?  Really!” 
 
I just texted someone that one of my challenging behavior is judging those I perceive to be judgmental.   As soon as I realize or notice that I am doing that I have to smile.  Obviously, I understand perfectly well how easy it is to “fall” into the practice of judging another.
 
As I have previously written, labels are a handy shortcut to encapsulate many of my judgmental thoughts.   When I apply a label to myself or others I am able to tell myself and other all they need to know to judge them:  Labels such as criminal, addict, whore, scholar, Muslin, Jew, Christian, Buddhist, black or person of color, wife, mother, father, convict, husband, student, teacher, Republican, Democrat, socialist, Russian, politician,  terrorist, etc.  One could make a very long list.   Obviously sometimes labels are helpful.. The problem is, of course, that a label tends to:
 

• Confuse the person with the label.
• Tell us all we think we need to know about the person.

 
I have had the good fortune to be in weekend retreats where a group of participants were invited to get to know each other while being blindfolded and instructed to not ask or share any information about one’s education, background, race, gender, sexual orientation, culture, religion, political affiliations, marital status, or profession/job.  At first, it seemed as if there was no way to begin a conversation.  Yet, by the end of the retreat, we had all discovered that we had much to share with each other. We also discovered that we had much in common.  We had all experienced the same range of emotions and dreams. We all wanted to be loved and respected. We all wanted to be able to provide for ourselves and our families. The specifics of our journeys might be different.   We had all made choices based in part on our life experiences.  We had all found that we were capable of saying and doing things that we swore we would never do – both positive and negative.
 
As with all of Grandma Fannie’s teachings, this one visits me on a regular basis.  I would like to be able to say that “I have this one down.  I never fail to be able to put myself in the shoes of the other.”  Sadly  or understandably I am not even close to achieving that goal. I am more aware of when I am judging others. I am better at just noticing when I am judging others and not even attempting to walk a mile in their shoes.  I am better at not judging myself for being judgmental, but I still need the daily and sometimes hourly reminder of Grandma Fannie:  “Walk a mile in their shoes.”
 
Thanks, Grandma Fannie.
 
 
Written July 17, 2017