Growing without the pains
This is a sign I saw on a display advertising a car when I was getting my car serviced. For me and most people I know change is uncomfortable at best. Yet, change forces us to make a choice to either seize the opportunity to grow or to run back to what seems like a safe haven. I can honestly say that I cannot think of an occasion when seizing the opportunity to grow did not, long term, result in positive benefits.
In my experience change arrives daily. Most change is very minor. It may be as minor as choosing a new brand of a product because the one I previously used in no longer being manufactured or looking in the mirror to see a young man is no longer present. I might immediately think that of all the possible negatives about the process of aging. I can, however, also choose to focus on the positives of aging. Personally, although I still have much to learn, I would not want to return to the ignorance or the emotional angst of my youth when what others thought was often a paramount factor in my decisions. Aging can, if we allow it, carry with it the freedom of knowing not much, if anything, matters except how well we love each other. As we age we know that most people do not focus on what we are doing or not doing and if they do it is only for a moment.
As innocent as signs such as the one I saw at the car dealer this morning may seems it is a symptom of the lies which many of us and our children have internalized. Every time we take in a message that growth or any change is possible without pain or discomfort we are implanting a message that there is a way to avoid pain and discomfort. Eventually, we may fell ourselves that we cannot tolerate the pain or discomfort of change.
When working with those addicted to alcohol, other drugs, sex, money, or power they have to be convinced that they are strong enough to survive the pain or discomfort of change and furthermore that they will likely feel much better than they have felt using their addictive behavior to avoid pain. Addictive substances and behavior feel good for the moment. One may never in recovery experience the intensity of the momentarily high one experiences with certain drugs, sex, money or power. Yet, the emotional, spiritual, and financial cost of addictive behavior keeps one separated from one’s best self, from family, friends, and spiritual values. One becomes self-centered which is a very lonely and disconnected feeling. One has to constantly seek the next high. On the other hand, the pain or discomfort of growth is temporary and facing it leads every time to a positive outcome. The positive outcome may not always be a tangible reward. One may not get financially richer (although one might have much more to spend on family), get the partner of one’s dream or achieve the highest rung of a professional ladder. One will, however, feel emotionally and spiritually strong. One will feel good about the person one sees in the mirror – the person who has no more shame to separate him or her from others or life in general.
As parents, mentors and teachers let’s tell the truth. There is no growth without pain.
Written February 12, 2018
This is a sign I saw on a display advertising a car when I was getting my car serviced. For me and most people I know change is uncomfortable at best. Yet, change forces us to make a choice to either seize the opportunity to grow or to run back to what seems like a safe haven. I can honestly say that I cannot think of an occasion when seizing the opportunity to grow did not, long term, result in positive benefits.
In my experience change arrives daily. Most change is very minor. It may be as minor as choosing a new brand of a product because the one I previously used in no longer being manufactured or looking in the mirror to see a young man is no longer present. I might immediately think that of all the possible negatives about the process of aging. I can, however, also choose to focus on the positives of aging. Personally, although I still have much to learn, I would not want to return to the ignorance or the emotional angst of my youth when what others thought was often a paramount factor in my decisions. Aging can, if we allow it, carry with it the freedom of knowing not much, if anything, matters except how well we love each other. As we age we know that most people do not focus on what we are doing or not doing and if they do it is only for a moment.
As innocent as signs such as the one I saw at the car dealer this morning may seems it is a symptom of the lies which many of us and our children have internalized. Every time we take in a message that growth or any change is possible without pain or discomfort we are implanting a message that there is a way to avoid pain and discomfort. Eventually, we may fell ourselves that we cannot tolerate the pain or discomfort of change.
When working with those addicted to alcohol, other drugs, sex, money, or power they have to be convinced that they are strong enough to survive the pain or discomfort of change and furthermore that they will likely feel much better than they have felt using their addictive behavior to avoid pain. Addictive substances and behavior feel good for the moment. One may never in recovery experience the intensity of the momentarily high one experiences with certain drugs, sex, money or power. Yet, the emotional, spiritual, and financial cost of addictive behavior keeps one separated from one’s best self, from family, friends, and spiritual values. One becomes self-centered which is a very lonely and disconnected feeling. One has to constantly seek the next high. On the other hand, the pain or discomfort of growth is temporary and facing it leads every time to a positive outcome. The positive outcome may not always be a tangible reward. One may not get financially richer (although one might have much more to spend on family), get the partner of one’s dream or achieve the highest rung of a professional ladder. One will, however, feel emotionally and spiritually strong. One will feel good about the person one sees in the mirror – the person who has no more shame to separate him or her from others or life in general.
As parents, mentors and teachers let’s tell the truth. There is no growth without pain.
Written February 12, 2018
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