Healing for the person who is violent in domestic and other relationships.
As was, I hope, obvious from my previous blog the person who is violent in domestic relationship and other relationships is no different than you or I. If the verbal, psychological or physical violence is related to addiction or some other medical condition affecting how the brain functions obviously the first step is treating the chronic illness. The problem often is that the person may not think he or she needs treatment and current laws often cannot mandate treatment. If the person is dealt with by the legal system there is a small chance that he or she will be sent to a prison which does have a decent treatment program for persons with addictive and other mental health issues. Sadly, if the addictive or mentally ill person has been violent he or she may be primarily labeled or diagnosed as violent and will not get treatment for their addiction or other mental illness. Some prisons employs counselors who will accurately diagnose and treat the individuals, but that is not the primary goal of most of the prisons in the United States.
If the person does not have an addiction, other mental illness, medical condition affecting the function of his or her brain one may be dealing with someone whose self-esteem is based on feeling better then or morally superior to the opposite sex or any who are not like him/her. Frequently, sexism, racism and similar social constructs are learned as a group. It is seldom, in my experience and research, that one, talks to a white nationalist who genuinely respects females, people of colors or people whose religious beliefs are different. On the other hand, there are non-violent people who are strong supporters of “gun rights” and who can treat those of the opposite gender, race or religion as deserving of respect. We must all be careful to not make assumptions or lumps all those not exactly like us as potentially unable or unwilling to respect the rights of others.
Have said the above, If I am given the opportunity to work for/with a person who has been domestically or otherwise violent and who does not have a treatable mental or other illness still untreated I will start with the following assumptions:
We all began learning as soon as we were born. We learned first by how others treated us. If we were covered in a pink blanket we were touched and held a certain way. If covered in a blue blanket we were likely touched and held differently than the pink covered baby. Parent or parent figures responded to our needs for food, clothing, shelter, diaper changing in certain ways. Parents or parent figures were relaxed and open or tense or closed. Later we may have been taught cognitive beliefs which reinforce our early learning.
If and when we can create a space in which the person feels safe or relatively safe in being vulnerable we will have created conditions which allow for healing. As clinicians we must realize and deeply respect the power of the relationship we have with the other person. This does not mean we will find a way for everyone to feel safe enough to begin healing but it can happen for many. Some may leave and later return or find other resources.
Healing and learning is possible for all of us. We are still learning how to facilitate that for a wider segment of the population of humans.
Written May 1, 2019
Jimmy F. Pickett
coachpickett,.org
As was, I hope, obvious from my previous blog the person who is violent in domestic relationship and other relationships is no different than you or I. If the verbal, psychological or physical violence is related to addiction or some other medical condition affecting how the brain functions obviously the first step is treating the chronic illness. The problem often is that the person may not think he or she needs treatment and current laws often cannot mandate treatment. If the person is dealt with by the legal system there is a small chance that he or she will be sent to a prison which does have a decent treatment program for persons with addictive and other mental health issues. Sadly, if the addictive or mentally ill person has been violent he or she may be primarily labeled or diagnosed as violent and will not get treatment for their addiction or other mental illness. Some prisons employs counselors who will accurately diagnose and treat the individuals, but that is not the primary goal of most of the prisons in the United States.
If the person does not have an addiction, other mental illness, medical condition affecting the function of his or her brain one may be dealing with someone whose self-esteem is based on feeling better then or morally superior to the opposite sex or any who are not like him/her. Frequently, sexism, racism and similar social constructs are learned as a group. It is seldom, in my experience and research, that one, talks to a white nationalist who genuinely respects females, people of colors or people whose religious beliefs are different. On the other hand, there are non-violent people who are strong supporters of “gun rights” and who can treat those of the opposite gender, race or religion as deserving of respect. We must all be careful to not make assumptions or lumps all those not exactly like us as potentially unable or unwilling to respect the rights of others.
Have said the above, If I am given the opportunity to work for/with a person who has been domestically or otherwise violent and who does not have a treatable mental or other illness still untreated I will start with the following assumptions:
- The person is deserving of love and respect.
- In my office I do not permit guns, knives or other weapons.
- I commit to not scolding, talking down to, or otherwise inflicting verbal or emotional violence.
- It is my responsibility to not accept an invitation to an angry exchange. The person may arrive feeling very defensive and use anger as a shield to avoid sharing their fear or other symptoms of their vulnerability.
- It is my responsibility to provide a framework for healing. For example, a person may or may not have a system for examining how they learned their beliefs.
- It is my responsibility to explore how educated the person is about factors such as caffeine, alcohol and other drug intake, exercise, nutritional intake, spiritual practices and emotional practices affecting one’s ability to make healthy decisions.
- It is my responsibility to explore how educated the person is about how unresolved trauma issues can affect one’s relationship with self and others.
- It is my responsibility to explore how educated the person is about how we learn conflict resolution skills.
We all began learning as soon as we were born. We learned first by how others treated us. If we were covered in a pink blanket we were touched and held a certain way. If covered in a blue blanket we were likely touched and held differently than the pink covered baby. Parent or parent figures responded to our needs for food, clothing, shelter, diaper changing in certain ways. Parents or parent figures were relaxed and open or tense or closed. Later we may have been taught cognitive beliefs which reinforce our early learning.
If and when we can create a space in which the person feels safe or relatively safe in being vulnerable we will have created conditions which allow for healing. As clinicians we must realize and deeply respect the power of the relationship we have with the other person. This does not mean we will find a way for everyone to feel safe enough to begin healing but it can happen for many. Some may leave and later return or find other resources.
Healing and learning is possible for all of us. We are still learning how to facilitate that for a wider segment of the population of humans.
Written May 1, 2019
Jimmy F. Pickett
coachpickett,.org
RSS Feed