Here???
I will be here. I can be here. There is a me beneath the fears, expectations, doubts, distractions, and the long list of “must do’s” I impose on myself.
While in theory it is very simple to just show up or to face all one’s fears and sense of being lost, for most of us it seems impossible. We may have a long list of commitments to self and others. Certainly I do. Although I am now semi-retired, the list of tasks I “must” accomplish today seems, if anything, longer than when I was working full time, doing volunteer work, maintaining a large home and office, and attempting to stay connected to family and friends. How is this possible? I am well aware that there is no one to blame. I am also aware that all of these tasks and commitments seem very important.
As seems to always be the case, what I “need” always appears. This morning when I opened up the Ted Talk app on my iPhone, a talk by Marina Abramovic “popped” up. She is a performing artist whose “works” often set herself up as a mirror for the fears, pains, doubts and other thoughts and emotions experienced by all we humans. While one might find some of her works intimidating, threatening, or pushing the limits of what is acceptable or in good taste, one cannot avoid being deeply affected any more than one can avoid being affected by the works of another performing artist and designer, the American Vito Hannibal Acconci.
For me art, whether it be a performance, a painting, a musical confrontation, or words woven into a painting, exposes the me beneath my various costumes and renders me naked. This is, at times, a very sobering experience. Also sobering was confronting myself when I worked with a movement therapist for many ten-hour days without being able to use language to communicate, when I studied dance, or when I began to post a blog both on my webpage and on sites such as Facebook and Twitter. These experiences also left me fully exposed. Although it would be pleasant to think this exposure revealed the Adonis model for strength, virility, and power, I have no illusions that is the case. I am well aware that any strength I possess will not be enhanced by my nakedness. Perhaps the strength is allowing myself and others to see my fear, doubt, age, and a person who is always coming up short in more ways than one. This could be frightening because I “know” that some others will accept this invitation to comment on my obviously human qualities Just this morning I had notices of comments on a blog which challenged some of the opinions I posited.
I ask myself why I continue to expose my nakedness in this very public manner. Yet, for many years, I have accepted that the price for not being willing to do this is death – a shrinking of spirit, brain, and vitality.
Yes, I know that the next time I put myself in a learning situation which offers the opportunity to choose between an experience which is safe and potentially boring and one which will cause me enormous anxiety I will choose the later. Obviously, if I am typing I have survived all experiences to date. I have not, however, put myself in some of the extreme situations which the performing artist, Marina Abramovic has. I would welcome the opportunity to put myself into the six-hour experience she will be offering at the institute she is planning and which she describes in a Ted Talk, “an art made of trust, vulnerability, and connection.” She describes the experience she and Rem Koohaas are designing: “And it’s very simple. If you want to get experience, you have to give me your time. You have to sign the contract before you enter the building, that you will spend there a full six hours… The public comes in, and the first thing you have to do is dress in lab coats. It's this importance of stepping from being just a viewer into experimenter. And then you go to the lockers and you put your watch, your iPhone, your iPod, your computer and everything digital, electronic. And you are getting free time for yourself for the first time. Because there is nothing wrong with technology, our approach to technology is wrong. We are losing the time we have for ourselves. This is an institute to actually give you back this time… So what you do here, first you start slow walking, you start slowing down. You're going back to simplicity. After slow walking, you're going to learn how to drink water -- very simple, drinking water for maybe half an hour. After this, you're going to the magnet chamber, where you're going to create some magnet streams on your body. Then after this, you go to crystal chamber. After crystal chamber, you go to eye-gazing chamber, after eye-gazing chamber, you go to a chamber where you are lying down. So it's the three basic positions of the human body, sitting, standing and lying. And slow walking. And there is a sound chamber. And then after you've seen all of this, and prepared yourself mentally and physically, then you are ready to see something with a long duration, like in immaterial art. It can be music, it can be opera, it can be a theater piece, it can be film, it can be video dance. You go to the long duration chairs because now you are comfortable.”
I am well aware that I do not have to wait for such an institute to put myself in a meditative experience. I have the freedom of setting my own schedule and designing my own relationship or lack of relationship with the cell phone, computer, and other gadgets which can keep me from being with myself. Obviously, I will not die; the world will not significantly change, and I will not be homeless or disowned by all my friends if I am not instantly available. The world will go on without me just has it goes on when someone “important” such as Justice Scalia suddenly dies. It will go on without the aid of any of us. This is not to deny that some leave a very positive footprint, but positive or negative, it will go on until it no longer goes on.
A friend who has struggled with addiction, depression, and more recently cancer as well as the side effects of cancer treatment, and who has been very open with the vulnerability of his fear and the darkness which has often seemed to cover him in this life journey, has recommitted to choosing life. This is a courageous decision. Just the mere fact of his decision challenges me to show up today.
So, here I am typing, despite the fact that it seems I have nothing new to say. The dance which may begin with typing is often where I start. Well, actually, that is not true. I started, as I frequently do, with making a choice to see or hear the mirror which folks such as Marina Abramovic and Vito Acconi offer. While the mirror is brighter than most, the underlying nakedness is not unique or even unfamiliar.
Today will be a day of running/walking toward and not away from.
Written February 25, 2016
I will be here. I can be here. There is a me beneath the fears, expectations, doubts, distractions, and the long list of “must do’s” I impose on myself.
While in theory it is very simple to just show up or to face all one’s fears and sense of being lost, for most of us it seems impossible. We may have a long list of commitments to self and others. Certainly I do. Although I am now semi-retired, the list of tasks I “must” accomplish today seems, if anything, longer than when I was working full time, doing volunteer work, maintaining a large home and office, and attempting to stay connected to family and friends. How is this possible? I am well aware that there is no one to blame. I am also aware that all of these tasks and commitments seem very important.
As seems to always be the case, what I “need” always appears. This morning when I opened up the Ted Talk app on my iPhone, a talk by Marina Abramovic “popped” up. She is a performing artist whose “works” often set herself up as a mirror for the fears, pains, doubts and other thoughts and emotions experienced by all we humans. While one might find some of her works intimidating, threatening, or pushing the limits of what is acceptable or in good taste, one cannot avoid being deeply affected any more than one can avoid being affected by the works of another performing artist and designer, the American Vito Hannibal Acconci.
For me art, whether it be a performance, a painting, a musical confrontation, or words woven into a painting, exposes the me beneath my various costumes and renders me naked. This is, at times, a very sobering experience. Also sobering was confronting myself when I worked with a movement therapist for many ten-hour days without being able to use language to communicate, when I studied dance, or when I began to post a blog both on my webpage and on sites such as Facebook and Twitter. These experiences also left me fully exposed. Although it would be pleasant to think this exposure revealed the Adonis model for strength, virility, and power, I have no illusions that is the case. I am well aware that any strength I possess will not be enhanced by my nakedness. Perhaps the strength is allowing myself and others to see my fear, doubt, age, and a person who is always coming up short in more ways than one. This could be frightening because I “know” that some others will accept this invitation to comment on my obviously human qualities Just this morning I had notices of comments on a blog which challenged some of the opinions I posited.
I ask myself why I continue to expose my nakedness in this very public manner. Yet, for many years, I have accepted that the price for not being willing to do this is death – a shrinking of spirit, brain, and vitality.
Yes, I know that the next time I put myself in a learning situation which offers the opportunity to choose between an experience which is safe and potentially boring and one which will cause me enormous anxiety I will choose the later. Obviously, if I am typing I have survived all experiences to date. I have not, however, put myself in some of the extreme situations which the performing artist, Marina Abramovic has. I would welcome the opportunity to put myself into the six-hour experience she will be offering at the institute she is planning and which she describes in a Ted Talk, “an art made of trust, vulnerability, and connection.” She describes the experience she and Rem Koohaas are designing: “And it’s very simple. If you want to get experience, you have to give me your time. You have to sign the contract before you enter the building, that you will spend there a full six hours… The public comes in, and the first thing you have to do is dress in lab coats. It's this importance of stepping from being just a viewer into experimenter. And then you go to the lockers and you put your watch, your iPhone, your iPod, your computer and everything digital, electronic. And you are getting free time for yourself for the first time. Because there is nothing wrong with technology, our approach to technology is wrong. We are losing the time we have for ourselves. This is an institute to actually give you back this time… So what you do here, first you start slow walking, you start slowing down. You're going back to simplicity. After slow walking, you're going to learn how to drink water -- very simple, drinking water for maybe half an hour. After this, you're going to the magnet chamber, where you're going to create some magnet streams on your body. Then after this, you go to crystal chamber. After crystal chamber, you go to eye-gazing chamber, after eye-gazing chamber, you go to a chamber where you are lying down. So it's the three basic positions of the human body, sitting, standing and lying. And slow walking. And there is a sound chamber. And then after you've seen all of this, and prepared yourself mentally and physically, then you are ready to see something with a long duration, like in immaterial art. It can be music, it can be opera, it can be a theater piece, it can be film, it can be video dance. You go to the long duration chairs because now you are comfortable.”
I am well aware that I do not have to wait for such an institute to put myself in a meditative experience. I have the freedom of setting my own schedule and designing my own relationship or lack of relationship with the cell phone, computer, and other gadgets which can keep me from being with myself. Obviously, I will not die; the world will not significantly change, and I will not be homeless or disowned by all my friends if I am not instantly available. The world will go on without me just has it goes on when someone “important” such as Justice Scalia suddenly dies. It will go on without the aid of any of us. This is not to deny that some leave a very positive footprint, but positive or negative, it will go on until it no longer goes on.
A friend who has struggled with addiction, depression, and more recently cancer as well as the side effects of cancer treatment, and who has been very open with the vulnerability of his fear and the darkness which has often seemed to cover him in this life journey, has recommitted to choosing life. This is a courageous decision. Just the mere fact of his decision challenges me to show up today.
So, here I am typing, despite the fact that it seems I have nothing new to say. The dance which may begin with typing is often where I start. Well, actually, that is not true. I started, as I frequently do, with making a choice to see or hear the mirror which folks such as Marina Abramovic and Vito Acconi offer. While the mirror is brighter than most, the underlying nakedness is not unique or even unfamiliar.
Today will be a day of running/walking toward and not away from.
Written February 25, 2016
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