Home – “Creating an environment in which learning is possible.”
The title of this blog is borrowed from a statement of Mary Catherine Bateson’s during an October 1, 2015 conversation entitled “Composing a Life” between the host of On Being, Krista Tippett and Mrs. Bateson.
Mary Catherine Bateson is Professor Emerita of George Mason College, daughter of Margaret Mead and Gregory Bateson, an author, anthropologist, linguist and a vibrant person who continues to be both a very active participant in her life journey and an astute observer of it.
There is much solid food for thought in this conversation and in her books. I, as usual, urge the reader to partake of the meal of this conversation. During the course of the conversation she talks a lot about cooperation and not competition being more part of the natural evolution of all life and about how her parents and then she and her husband created environments for learning.
It does seem to me that we are only truly alive when we are learning. At least that seems true for this human and for many others that I know. Thus, when Professor Bateson defined home as “creating an environment for learning” I thought about the fact that there are two primary approaches to learning; as a participant and as an observer. Ideally, as with Professor Bateson and both her parents, one learns to do both simultaneously.
When, however, one is thrust, at birth, or soon thereafter into an environment in which the focus is survival, often it is difficult, if not impossible for many of us to do more that survive with whatever tools seem to be handy. Abraham Maslow suggested that one can then become immersed in taking care of basic physical and safety needs and does not, at this level of existence, have the luxury of considering the needs of others or become an observer. Murray Bowen would go on to say that if we do not somehow learn differently we are destined to repeat the dynamics of our “family” of origin. In other words we never become an observer. We are just participants.
Many conditions and situations force one to live at the bottom rung of Maslow’s hierarchy. These may include those who:
· Live in a country actively at war.
· Live as refugees.
· Live with people whose day-to-day life is controlled by mental illness (one’s own or that of another family member).
· Live with people who have been taken hostage by active addiction.
· Live with people where the medical needs or conditions are so acute that all or most of the attention is focused on that one person.
There are those individuals whose lives seem to place them in one of these situations who do manage to live on a higher level of Maslow’s hierarchy by becoming an observer as well as participant. Certainly the Supreme Justice Sonia Sotomayor and her brother are two examples of such a possibility. Despite their father’s addiction, their mother having to work the afternoon shift, living in the projects, and having to learn to give herself shots for diabetes beginning at age 8, she and her brother continued to not only learn but thrive. I am at a loss to explain why some are able to do this and most are not. Most get sucked into the survival mode and adopt the tools of the family of origin.
Many of us will be blessed with the opportunity of leaving the unsafe place where it is difficult at best to learn and are then able to create an environment which encourages or allows for learning. Many of us can create a home even if we did not grow up in a home. We do this by learning to become participant observers and learning new skills.
Twelve-step recovery programs, spiritual teachings, therapy, reading, writing, and podcasts can all help us learn how to create an environment for learning and growing. In order to allow ourselves to use new tools/skills for creating a home one must:
· Accept that the people with whom one might be biologically related do not have what we need. They are not bad people. The simply, for whatever reasons, do not have what we need.
· With love – always with love – set some boundaries.
· With help and advice, trial and error, begin to create a family of choice who do have what it takes to create a home where learning can take place.
· Nurture and be nurtured by that family of choice.
Obviously, this can be a slow, painful process of acceptance without judgment and trust that others can give us what we need. Programs such as the 12-step program, some churches, and some other settings will be safe places to shop for that family of choice. One cannot always trust one’s judgment and, thus, as soon as one has one other healthy person in one’s “we” one can get help in choosing one’s family of choice.
Home may be just one person creating a safe place to learn into which one can invite other healing/learning people. One may or may not live with other people, but one needs a family – a we. One needs a home. By becoming a participant observer one can explore how to create an environment for learning.
Written August 4, 2017
The title of this blog is borrowed from a statement of Mary Catherine Bateson’s during an October 1, 2015 conversation entitled “Composing a Life” between the host of On Being, Krista Tippett and Mrs. Bateson.
Mary Catherine Bateson is Professor Emerita of George Mason College, daughter of Margaret Mead and Gregory Bateson, an author, anthropologist, linguist and a vibrant person who continues to be both a very active participant in her life journey and an astute observer of it.
There is much solid food for thought in this conversation and in her books. I, as usual, urge the reader to partake of the meal of this conversation. During the course of the conversation she talks a lot about cooperation and not competition being more part of the natural evolution of all life and about how her parents and then she and her husband created environments for learning.
It does seem to me that we are only truly alive when we are learning. At least that seems true for this human and for many others that I know. Thus, when Professor Bateson defined home as “creating an environment for learning” I thought about the fact that there are two primary approaches to learning; as a participant and as an observer. Ideally, as with Professor Bateson and both her parents, one learns to do both simultaneously.
When, however, one is thrust, at birth, or soon thereafter into an environment in which the focus is survival, often it is difficult, if not impossible for many of us to do more that survive with whatever tools seem to be handy. Abraham Maslow suggested that one can then become immersed in taking care of basic physical and safety needs and does not, at this level of existence, have the luxury of considering the needs of others or become an observer. Murray Bowen would go on to say that if we do not somehow learn differently we are destined to repeat the dynamics of our “family” of origin. In other words we never become an observer. We are just participants.
Many conditions and situations force one to live at the bottom rung of Maslow’s hierarchy. These may include those who:
· Live in a country actively at war.
· Live as refugees.
· Live with people whose day-to-day life is controlled by mental illness (one’s own or that of another family member).
· Live with people who have been taken hostage by active addiction.
· Live with people where the medical needs or conditions are so acute that all or most of the attention is focused on that one person.
There are those individuals whose lives seem to place them in one of these situations who do manage to live on a higher level of Maslow’s hierarchy by becoming an observer as well as participant. Certainly the Supreme Justice Sonia Sotomayor and her brother are two examples of such a possibility. Despite their father’s addiction, their mother having to work the afternoon shift, living in the projects, and having to learn to give herself shots for diabetes beginning at age 8, she and her brother continued to not only learn but thrive. I am at a loss to explain why some are able to do this and most are not. Most get sucked into the survival mode and adopt the tools of the family of origin.
Many of us will be blessed with the opportunity of leaving the unsafe place where it is difficult at best to learn and are then able to create an environment which encourages or allows for learning. Many of us can create a home even if we did not grow up in a home. We do this by learning to become participant observers and learning new skills.
Twelve-step recovery programs, spiritual teachings, therapy, reading, writing, and podcasts can all help us learn how to create an environment for learning and growing. In order to allow ourselves to use new tools/skills for creating a home one must:
· Accept that the people with whom one might be biologically related do not have what we need. They are not bad people. The simply, for whatever reasons, do not have what we need.
· With love – always with love – set some boundaries.
· With help and advice, trial and error, begin to create a family of choice who do have what it takes to create a home where learning can take place.
· Nurture and be nurtured by that family of choice.
Obviously, this can be a slow, painful process of acceptance without judgment and trust that others can give us what we need. Programs such as the 12-step program, some churches, and some other settings will be safe places to shop for that family of choice. One cannot always trust one’s judgment and, thus, as soon as one has one other healthy person in one’s “we” one can get help in choosing one’s family of choice.
Home may be just one person creating a safe place to learn into which one can invite other healing/learning people. One may or may not live with other people, but one needs a family – a we. One needs a home. By becoming a participant observer one can explore how to create an environment for learning.
Written August 4, 2017
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