Homo bonding
Since it is pride month in much of the United States and some other countries it seems appropriate to think about the fear of homosexuality among many religions, cultures and individual men. One might think because of the amazing advances in the legal acceptance of the LGBT+ community in many places the fear of perceived differences in oneself and others might be relegated to the history books. Yet it seems, especially among we men, there continues to be significant fear of same sex relationship or any behavior which does not fit neatly into the roles which many cultures and religions assign to males and females. As most of us know, the fear of same sex relationships always had to do with the fear of we men that we have no intrinsic worth; that our worth has to be measured in perceived power over rather than power with. In order to feel as if we are worthwhile we males have to be more powerful than females and other males. Historically we have measured power by the social constructs of gender, money, tribe, race, goods, size, titles and a host of other superficial characteristics. (It is also true that many women have been taught to complete with other women, but on the whole, women do much better with working with other women.)
Even those who profess a belief in a God which assumes an intrinsic human worth, as did Jesus, the concept of intrinsic worth remains elusive. The belief in being the “man of the house” and having “wives submitting to husbands” can be heard in subtle and not so subtle ways throughout most cultures.
With relatively few exceptions, even the language we males use for our important friendships reflect the fear of not being enough. We men “bond”. Women nurture, take care of each other, play together, are affectionate with each other, cry and laugh with each other with little concern they are going to diminish their worth if their love for other women is obvious. Friendship of women for other women is seldom suspect as sexual except by males.
Women will just hang out together. We males frequently need an activity to justify our spending time together. Thus, we meet for golf, a drink, a men’s religious breakfast gathering, a volunteer activity, boating, skiing, poker, or some other activity. Seldom will we hear a man say that he and his male friend are spending time together for emotional reasons. In fact, we males may avoid situations which would naturally evoke a strong emotion such as gratitude, fear, love, or grief.
Often we men delegate the selection and purchasing of gifts, cards and other symbols of nurturing to the women in our lives.
Gay or trans males do not have the option of delegating the nurturing tasks to women unless, of course, they are still living with a female friend or relative. While it may be true that some gay relationships (as well as lesbian relationship) divide the relationship dynamics into traditional male and female tasks, for the most part, they recognize there are just tasks to be done. (It must be admitted that there are gay males who choose a male partner who is much younger so they can continue to prove their worth by being the dominant partner. However not all gay relationships which have a significant difference in ages are chosen for that reason.)
Most of us are not particularly interested if a person is actually bisexual, transsexual or asexual but in the power dynamic between particular persons. Most gay males are not intimidated by a female boss or a female who makes more money. Healthy males do not work out at the gym to prove their physical superiority to men or women. We just want to be as healthy as possible.
A friend of mine recently remarked that there seems to be a trend for GLBT+ pride events to become simply celebrations as if the fight for GLBT rights was just about being able to openly love each other. It is important to be able to openly love and care for each other. Yet, homophobia has never been about how or who we love. It has been about how we prove our worth as men; about economic systems and how we care (or do not care) for each other; about how resources are shared; about how we interact with Mother Earth; about what gives us worth as humans living in harmony or disharmony with all other life. My friend remarked that the danger is that we only celebrate and forget to march; that we act as if GLBT+ rights is about just loving each other rather than creating a more just and inclusive world; about repairing the fragile egos of us humans, especially we males.
Written June 11, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Since it is pride month in much of the United States and some other countries it seems appropriate to think about the fear of homosexuality among many religions, cultures and individual men. One might think because of the amazing advances in the legal acceptance of the LGBT+ community in many places the fear of perceived differences in oneself and others might be relegated to the history books. Yet it seems, especially among we men, there continues to be significant fear of same sex relationship or any behavior which does not fit neatly into the roles which many cultures and religions assign to males and females. As most of us know, the fear of same sex relationships always had to do with the fear of we men that we have no intrinsic worth; that our worth has to be measured in perceived power over rather than power with. In order to feel as if we are worthwhile we males have to be more powerful than females and other males. Historically we have measured power by the social constructs of gender, money, tribe, race, goods, size, titles and a host of other superficial characteristics. (It is also true that many women have been taught to complete with other women, but on the whole, women do much better with working with other women.)
Even those who profess a belief in a God which assumes an intrinsic human worth, as did Jesus, the concept of intrinsic worth remains elusive. The belief in being the “man of the house” and having “wives submitting to husbands” can be heard in subtle and not so subtle ways throughout most cultures.
With relatively few exceptions, even the language we males use for our important friendships reflect the fear of not being enough. We men “bond”. Women nurture, take care of each other, play together, are affectionate with each other, cry and laugh with each other with little concern they are going to diminish their worth if their love for other women is obvious. Friendship of women for other women is seldom suspect as sexual except by males.
Women will just hang out together. We males frequently need an activity to justify our spending time together. Thus, we meet for golf, a drink, a men’s religious breakfast gathering, a volunteer activity, boating, skiing, poker, or some other activity. Seldom will we hear a man say that he and his male friend are spending time together for emotional reasons. In fact, we males may avoid situations which would naturally evoke a strong emotion such as gratitude, fear, love, or grief.
Often we men delegate the selection and purchasing of gifts, cards and other symbols of nurturing to the women in our lives.
Gay or trans males do not have the option of delegating the nurturing tasks to women unless, of course, they are still living with a female friend or relative. While it may be true that some gay relationships (as well as lesbian relationship) divide the relationship dynamics into traditional male and female tasks, for the most part, they recognize there are just tasks to be done. (It must be admitted that there are gay males who choose a male partner who is much younger so they can continue to prove their worth by being the dominant partner. However not all gay relationships which have a significant difference in ages are chosen for that reason.)
Most of us are not particularly interested if a person is actually bisexual, transsexual or asexual but in the power dynamic between particular persons. Most gay males are not intimidated by a female boss or a female who makes more money. Healthy males do not work out at the gym to prove their physical superiority to men or women. We just want to be as healthy as possible.
A friend of mine recently remarked that there seems to be a trend for GLBT+ pride events to become simply celebrations as if the fight for GLBT rights was just about being able to openly love each other. It is important to be able to openly love and care for each other. Yet, homophobia has never been about how or who we love. It has been about how we prove our worth as men; about economic systems and how we care (or do not care) for each other; about how resources are shared; about how we interact with Mother Earth; about what gives us worth as humans living in harmony or disharmony with all other life. My friend remarked that the danger is that we only celebrate and forget to march; that we act as if GLBT+ rights is about just loving each other rather than creating a more just and inclusive world; about repairing the fragile egos of us humans, especially we males.
Written June 11, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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