Humility
It is Sunday evening at 6:00 p.m.. I am not surprised when I answer a phone call from my 12-year-old adopted nephew and next door neighbor and hear him say, “Uncle Jim. I need help with my homework. I forgot to do it and it is due tomorrow. Mom and dad suggested that you could help me since they have company tonight. Would you please?” Since I do not have plans and would have canceled them if I did, I tell Paul to come over. He tells me he can come now since he and his sister had an early dinner since company is coming for an adult dinner later. It is rare that any event at their house does not include the children.
The evening is cool. I get out the ingredients for the hot chocolate and start mixing the water, cocoa, sugar and a pinch of salt. When this paste is ready I add the mild and stir.
Soon, I hear Paul knocking.
Me: Hello Paul. This is a rare treat. I have made some hot chocolate. Why don’t you get the marshmallows and I will get the whipped cream.
Paul gets his favorite mug. I pour in the hot chocolate and he add a few marshmallows and a very generous amount of whipped cream. I know he will soon sport a whipped cream mustache.
Sure enough there it is. I smile and, knowing what I am smiling about, he smiles back.
Me: What is the assignment Paul?
Paul: Here it is Uncle Jim. “We use the word humility a lot but it is not always clear what it means. Talk about what it means to you. It may be helpful to talk to an adult you respect about how they understand humility.”
Me: Oh my! That is a wonderful assignment. You know my friend Phil. I was just talking with him this morning about humility. You may remember that he has the disease of alcoholism. When he begins to drink his brain begs for more and more even though he hates what it does to him. Once he starts drinking he cannot stop. For the past year he has been involved in a program called AA – Alcoholic Anonymous – to help him. This is a group of other people with the disease of alcoholism. They help each other stay sober.
Paul: I remember him Uncle Jim, but what does this have to do with my homework?
Me: Well, when we want to make changes we have to practice changing our thinking. The program of AA has a series of steps or homework assignments to help people do this. One of the steps – step 7 - is about humility. It says “Humbly ask Him (the God of our understanding) to remove our shortcomings.” Do you know what it meant by shortcomings Paul?
Paul: Does this mean the things we do that hurt ourselves or other people.
Me: Very good Paul. That is exactly what it means.
Paul: We have talked about hurting ourselves and others a lot Uncle Jim.
Me: Yes we have, haven’t we Paul. Let’s start then with the word humble or humility.
Paul: You want me to get the dictionary don’t you Uncle Jim?
Me: Yes, let’s start there.
Paul: Okay.
Paul retrieves the Oxford Dictionary from the shelf in the kitchen. We both know that we could use the computer but I still like to use the big Oxford.
Paul: Humility?
Me: Yes. Very good.
Paul: Here it is Uncle Jim.
“The quality of having a modest or low view of one’s importance.”
Origin: Middle English: from Old French humilite, from Latin humilitas, from humilis (see humble).
Middle English: from Old French humilite, from Latin humilitas, from humilis (see humble).
Humble: Having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s importance…
(Of an action or thought) offered with or affected by a modest estimate of one’s importance.
Of low social, administrative, or political rank…
(Of a thing) of modest pretensions or dimensions.
Paul: This is confusing Uncle Jim. You, mom, and dad always talk about how important all of us are.
Me: Yes, we do. The dictionary was not very helpful was it. Perhaps we can think about the opposite of humble. What would be the opposite do you think Paul?
Paul: Being really important?
Me: Perhaps we can think of it as thinking we are more important than other people. Is anyone in this family- you, me, mom, dad or Sam – more important than everyone else in the family?
Paul: No. We believe that we are all important.
Me: Do we all make mistakes at times Paul?
Paul: All the time. At least I do.
Me: Yes we all do. We make a lot of mistakes. Sometimes the mistake is in trying to solve a problem or fix something.
Paul: Yes, we tried to fix the problem with the kitchen sink the other day and got water everyone. Mom finally called the plumber.
Me: Yes. We all make those sorts of mistakes. How about when we do something which hurts someone’s feelings? Sometimes we get angry and do it on purpose and sometimes we don’t mean to.
Paul: Yes. One time I really wanted to go to a party and both mom and dad said no. Everyone else was going and I got really mad because they were being mean! I said I hated them and went into my room, slamming and breaking the door!
Me: I know. Then you had to help fix the door. Your parents had not been able to talk to the parents of the boy whose birthday party it was. Their rule is to not let you and Sam go to someone’s house unless they know the parents are going to be there to make sure everyone is okay.
Paul: I know. I was wrong.
Me: Did they still love you?
Paul: Yes. Even when we get mad at each other we still love each other.
Me: And everyone in the family makes mistakes?
Paul: Yes, but I do not see how this is related to humility Uncle Jim.
Me: We are getting there. What if you thought that you had to be better than or more important than everyone else in the family?
Paul: I could not be more important Uncle Jim.
Me: I know, but what if you thought you had to try to prove you were better than everyone else including Uncle Jim?
Paul: Then everyone else would have to be less important and they would feel bad. I would treat them differently Uncle Jim.
Me: That is exactly right Paul. So if we know that it is okay for everyone to make mistakes and everyone is equally important then everyone can be loved just for being themselves.
Paul: So, because we know it is okay to all be equally important and to make mistakes, we can love each other?
Me: Yes. Sometimes some people believe that they cannot admit their mistakes because they can only be loved if they are perfect. When we try to be perfect we make more mistakes.
Paul: Carl was caught trying to copy his answers from Susie. He did not know the answer and was afraid to get a bad grade. He told me that his parents get very angry and tell him he is bad when he gets a bad grade. So then he gets scared and cheats. When he got caught then everyone gets more mad at him. He said, “I don’t care what anyone thinks” but I knew he really did care.
Me: That is a really good example Paul. The more we try to be perfect the more we make mistakes and the more we do things to pretend we did not. That is what happens to alcoholics. They often feel really bad about being alcoholic and they pretend like they don’t care or are more importance than they feel. A part of healing for them is to know they can be loved while being no more or no less important than other people. That way they will not have to try to pretend to be better than. Does that make sense?
Paul: So if I or Sam act as if we are better than the others we do stupid things and get into trouble which makes us feel worse.
Me: Exactly. So in step 7 of the 12-step program, people humbly ask or pray for the God of their understanding to remove shortcomings or behavior which hurts them and others. Be being humble – accepting it is okay to be human and make mistakes – we behave better.
Paul: So, if we behave better then God does not have to take away our bad behavior.
Me: Very good Paul. By being humble we are okay being us; we behave better.
Paul: So God does not have to do anything else.
Me: Excellent. Yes, God already loves us as humans. He/She knows we make mistakes and still loves us. So when we pray to have God remove our bad behavior we are really praying that we can trust God that it is okay to be us.
Paul: So we are important because we do not have to be important.
Me: Paul. That is an excellent way to say it. You are so smart. Now we need to write down what you want to say in class. Do you want to type or do you want me to type while you talk.
Paul: Will you type Uncle Jim?
Me: Yes, but only what you tell me to type. Where shall we start?
Paul: Well I like what we just said, “We are important because we do not have to be important.” Then I can explain what that means.
Me: Great job. Let’s get started. It should not take long Paul.
Paul: Thanks, Uncle Jim.
Written April 17, 2016
It is Sunday evening at 6:00 p.m.. I am not surprised when I answer a phone call from my 12-year-old adopted nephew and next door neighbor and hear him say, “Uncle Jim. I need help with my homework. I forgot to do it and it is due tomorrow. Mom and dad suggested that you could help me since they have company tonight. Would you please?” Since I do not have plans and would have canceled them if I did, I tell Paul to come over. He tells me he can come now since he and his sister had an early dinner since company is coming for an adult dinner later. It is rare that any event at their house does not include the children.
The evening is cool. I get out the ingredients for the hot chocolate and start mixing the water, cocoa, sugar and a pinch of salt. When this paste is ready I add the mild and stir.
Soon, I hear Paul knocking.
Me: Hello Paul. This is a rare treat. I have made some hot chocolate. Why don’t you get the marshmallows and I will get the whipped cream.
Paul gets his favorite mug. I pour in the hot chocolate and he add a few marshmallows and a very generous amount of whipped cream. I know he will soon sport a whipped cream mustache.
Sure enough there it is. I smile and, knowing what I am smiling about, he smiles back.
Me: What is the assignment Paul?
Paul: Here it is Uncle Jim. “We use the word humility a lot but it is not always clear what it means. Talk about what it means to you. It may be helpful to talk to an adult you respect about how they understand humility.”
Me: Oh my! That is a wonderful assignment. You know my friend Phil. I was just talking with him this morning about humility. You may remember that he has the disease of alcoholism. When he begins to drink his brain begs for more and more even though he hates what it does to him. Once he starts drinking he cannot stop. For the past year he has been involved in a program called AA – Alcoholic Anonymous – to help him. This is a group of other people with the disease of alcoholism. They help each other stay sober.
Paul: I remember him Uncle Jim, but what does this have to do with my homework?
Me: Well, when we want to make changes we have to practice changing our thinking. The program of AA has a series of steps or homework assignments to help people do this. One of the steps – step 7 - is about humility. It says “Humbly ask Him (the God of our understanding) to remove our shortcomings.” Do you know what it meant by shortcomings Paul?
Paul: Does this mean the things we do that hurt ourselves or other people.
Me: Very good Paul. That is exactly what it means.
Paul: We have talked about hurting ourselves and others a lot Uncle Jim.
Me: Yes we have, haven’t we Paul. Let’s start then with the word humble or humility.
Paul: You want me to get the dictionary don’t you Uncle Jim?
Me: Yes, let’s start there.
Paul: Okay.
Paul retrieves the Oxford Dictionary from the shelf in the kitchen. We both know that we could use the computer but I still like to use the big Oxford.
Paul: Humility?
Me: Yes. Very good.
Paul: Here it is Uncle Jim.
“The quality of having a modest or low view of one’s importance.”
Origin: Middle English: from Old French humilite, from Latin humilitas, from humilis (see humble).
Middle English: from Old French humilite, from Latin humilitas, from humilis (see humble).
Humble: Having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s importance…
(Of an action or thought) offered with or affected by a modest estimate of one’s importance.
Of low social, administrative, or political rank…
(Of a thing) of modest pretensions or dimensions.
Paul: This is confusing Uncle Jim. You, mom, and dad always talk about how important all of us are.
Me: Yes, we do. The dictionary was not very helpful was it. Perhaps we can think about the opposite of humble. What would be the opposite do you think Paul?
Paul: Being really important?
Me: Perhaps we can think of it as thinking we are more important than other people. Is anyone in this family- you, me, mom, dad or Sam – more important than everyone else in the family?
Paul: No. We believe that we are all important.
Me: Do we all make mistakes at times Paul?
Paul: All the time. At least I do.
Me: Yes we all do. We make a lot of mistakes. Sometimes the mistake is in trying to solve a problem or fix something.
Paul: Yes, we tried to fix the problem with the kitchen sink the other day and got water everyone. Mom finally called the plumber.
Me: Yes. We all make those sorts of mistakes. How about when we do something which hurts someone’s feelings? Sometimes we get angry and do it on purpose and sometimes we don’t mean to.
Paul: Yes. One time I really wanted to go to a party and both mom and dad said no. Everyone else was going and I got really mad because they were being mean! I said I hated them and went into my room, slamming and breaking the door!
Me: I know. Then you had to help fix the door. Your parents had not been able to talk to the parents of the boy whose birthday party it was. Their rule is to not let you and Sam go to someone’s house unless they know the parents are going to be there to make sure everyone is okay.
Paul: I know. I was wrong.
Me: Did they still love you?
Paul: Yes. Even when we get mad at each other we still love each other.
Me: And everyone in the family makes mistakes?
Paul: Yes, but I do not see how this is related to humility Uncle Jim.
Me: We are getting there. What if you thought that you had to be better than or more important than everyone else in the family?
Paul: I could not be more important Uncle Jim.
Me: I know, but what if you thought you had to try to prove you were better than everyone else including Uncle Jim?
Paul: Then everyone else would have to be less important and they would feel bad. I would treat them differently Uncle Jim.
Me: That is exactly right Paul. So if we know that it is okay for everyone to make mistakes and everyone is equally important then everyone can be loved just for being themselves.
Paul: So, because we know it is okay to all be equally important and to make mistakes, we can love each other?
Me: Yes. Sometimes some people believe that they cannot admit their mistakes because they can only be loved if they are perfect. When we try to be perfect we make more mistakes.
Paul: Carl was caught trying to copy his answers from Susie. He did not know the answer and was afraid to get a bad grade. He told me that his parents get very angry and tell him he is bad when he gets a bad grade. So then he gets scared and cheats. When he got caught then everyone gets more mad at him. He said, “I don’t care what anyone thinks” but I knew he really did care.
Me: That is a really good example Paul. The more we try to be perfect the more we make mistakes and the more we do things to pretend we did not. That is what happens to alcoholics. They often feel really bad about being alcoholic and they pretend like they don’t care or are more importance than they feel. A part of healing for them is to know they can be loved while being no more or no less important than other people. That way they will not have to try to pretend to be better than. Does that make sense?
Paul: So if I or Sam act as if we are better than the others we do stupid things and get into trouble which makes us feel worse.
Me: Exactly. So in step 7 of the 12-step program, people humbly ask or pray for the God of their understanding to remove shortcomings or behavior which hurts them and others. Be being humble – accepting it is okay to be human and make mistakes – we behave better.
Paul: So, if we behave better then God does not have to take away our bad behavior.
Me: Very good Paul. By being humble we are okay being us; we behave better.
Paul: So God does not have to do anything else.
Me: Excellent. Yes, God already loves us as humans. He/She knows we make mistakes and still loves us. So when we pray to have God remove our bad behavior we are really praying that we can trust God that it is okay to be us.
Paul: So we are important because we do not have to be important.
Me: Paul. That is an excellent way to say it. You are so smart. Now we need to write down what you want to say in class. Do you want to type or do you want me to type while you talk.
Paul: Will you type Uncle Jim?
Me: Yes, but only what you tell me to type. Where shall we start?
Paul: Well I like what we just said, “We are important because we do not have to be important.” Then I can explain what that means.
Me: Great job. Let’s get started. It should not take long Paul.
Paul: Thanks, Uncle Jim.
Written April 17, 2016
RSS Feed