I feel silly
The habits which we form early in life are very powerful. Many of these habits are very useful. We learn how to feed and dress ourselves, how to attend to personal hygiene, to navigate in social situations and to perform many other tasks of daily living. If lucky we also learn other skills which become part of our muscle memory such as reading, writing, basic math, cooking, cleaning and others. These prepare us to function as adults. Sadly, many of us also learn that it is not possible to trust or relax around others. Often if one goes to the doctor with these symptoms one is given a mental illness diagnosis and prescribed medication. The medication may help to calm one’s anger and generalized anxiety and thus to function temporarily in social situations. If lucky one may be referred for counseling. The counselor may teach one how to manage the symptoms. They should also validate the anger, anxiety and distrust of people as necessary survival habits when one was a child or an adult living in emotionally unpredictable and/or abusive situations.
I often work for/with individuals in my counseling practice who have lived as children, adults or both with those whose own traumatic history, addiction or other mental illness did not allow them to be loving caretakers or otherwise safe. Their mental illness symptoms may have led to explosive anger, name calling, and lack of ability to provide food or shelter or other necessities. One may have needed to be constantly on high alert prepared to deal with the next explosive outburst or desertion. Many with addiction or other mental illness are shameful and do not want others to know they cannot provide for or not safe for their children or their partner. They therefore do all they can to isolate the individuals who are living with them.
If very lucky the child or adult in those situations does not become addicted or develop other debilitating mental illness. They may be seemingly high, well-functioning professionals. Even then they may remain anxious, frightened, often angry and distrustful of all others. Their muscle memories tell them they are still helpless and living in an unsafe situations. Sadly, some have, as Murray Bowen the family therapist predicts, duplicated the unsafe family dynamics over and over again which, of course, just reinforces the survival skills they have already learned.
Medication may take the edge off of some of these symptoms and, thus, can make it possible for the individual to use resources such as counseling to reprogram their bodies. Essentially, individuals need to use their adult power to provide a safe and nurturing home, surround themselves with loving, healthy people who can and do treat them with respect, and give themselves the holistic care that all of us need to thrive. Sadly, it takes a lot of care and new messages for the individuals to override the muscle memory which says that anxiety, fear, anger, emotional numbness and social distancing is necessary. One may feel silly having to affirm oneself and one safeness. The way that the counselor phrases the exercises may make it seems as if one is still a child. It can be difficult for the counselor to find the language and the practices which work for one. Obviously, we counselors need to be very sensitive to that fact. Change is uncomfortable. The muscle memory of the body; the thousands of occasions when it was proved that it was unsafe to relax and trust others; the underlying pain which it was never safe to express; the sense that one is unsafe does allow themselves or anyone else to touch the rawness of the accumulated pain leaves one feeling as if they will, like Humpty Dumpty, fall into a million pieces which cannot be reassembled.
All of the people I have met who have survived such trauma are enormously strong, resilient, capable people. Many of the survivors are professionals who are helping others in a variety of ways. Yet, the old, negative lies may continue to attempt to dominate. Giving oneself and allowing oneself to “hear” positive messages may feel fake or even silly. As my therapist told me, “keep on pretending. Keep on faking it until it feels right or accurate; until it clicks.” It will happen. As wise people have said, “Don’t give up just before the miracle.” Healing is a right to which we are entitled.
Written June 25, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
The habits which we form early in life are very powerful. Many of these habits are very useful. We learn how to feed and dress ourselves, how to attend to personal hygiene, to navigate in social situations and to perform many other tasks of daily living. If lucky we also learn other skills which become part of our muscle memory such as reading, writing, basic math, cooking, cleaning and others. These prepare us to function as adults. Sadly, many of us also learn that it is not possible to trust or relax around others. Often if one goes to the doctor with these symptoms one is given a mental illness diagnosis and prescribed medication. The medication may help to calm one’s anger and generalized anxiety and thus to function temporarily in social situations. If lucky one may be referred for counseling. The counselor may teach one how to manage the symptoms. They should also validate the anger, anxiety and distrust of people as necessary survival habits when one was a child or an adult living in emotionally unpredictable and/or abusive situations.
I often work for/with individuals in my counseling practice who have lived as children, adults or both with those whose own traumatic history, addiction or other mental illness did not allow them to be loving caretakers or otherwise safe. Their mental illness symptoms may have led to explosive anger, name calling, and lack of ability to provide food or shelter or other necessities. One may have needed to be constantly on high alert prepared to deal with the next explosive outburst or desertion. Many with addiction or other mental illness are shameful and do not want others to know they cannot provide for or not safe for their children or their partner. They therefore do all they can to isolate the individuals who are living with them.
If very lucky the child or adult in those situations does not become addicted or develop other debilitating mental illness. They may be seemingly high, well-functioning professionals. Even then they may remain anxious, frightened, often angry and distrustful of all others. Their muscle memories tell them they are still helpless and living in an unsafe situations. Sadly, some have, as Murray Bowen the family therapist predicts, duplicated the unsafe family dynamics over and over again which, of course, just reinforces the survival skills they have already learned.
Medication may take the edge off of some of these symptoms and, thus, can make it possible for the individual to use resources such as counseling to reprogram their bodies. Essentially, individuals need to use their adult power to provide a safe and nurturing home, surround themselves with loving, healthy people who can and do treat them with respect, and give themselves the holistic care that all of us need to thrive. Sadly, it takes a lot of care and new messages for the individuals to override the muscle memory which says that anxiety, fear, anger, emotional numbness and social distancing is necessary. One may feel silly having to affirm oneself and one safeness. The way that the counselor phrases the exercises may make it seems as if one is still a child. It can be difficult for the counselor to find the language and the practices which work for one. Obviously, we counselors need to be very sensitive to that fact. Change is uncomfortable. The muscle memory of the body; the thousands of occasions when it was proved that it was unsafe to relax and trust others; the underlying pain which it was never safe to express; the sense that one is unsafe does allow themselves or anyone else to touch the rawness of the accumulated pain leaves one feeling as if they will, like Humpty Dumpty, fall into a million pieces which cannot be reassembled.
All of the people I have met who have survived such trauma are enormously strong, resilient, capable people. Many of the survivors are professionals who are helping others in a variety of ways. Yet, the old, negative lies may continue to attempt to dominate. Giving oneself and allowing oneself to “hear” positive messages may feel fake or even silly. As my therapist told me, “keep on pretending. Keep on faking it until it feels right or accurate; until it clicks.” It will happen. As wise people have said, “Don’t give up just before the miracle.” Healing is a right to which we are entitled.
Written June 25, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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