I need a cellphone – Conversation with Six-year old Sam about wants vs. needs.
When I saw my adopted six-year old niece coming through the path we have created in the hedge separating my house and the she shares with her parents I assumed that she had lots of Monday homework. I often help her with her homework, especially if mom and dad are at work or one is a work and one is helping Sam’s brother, Paul, with his homework.
I did not notice she was crying until she got closer.
Me: Sam, what is the matter? Is someone at home sick or has something happened to Oscar (the family sheepdog).
Sam: (sniffling and wiping her nose on her sleeve) Nooo…
Me: Come here (I hand her a Kleenex.) and tell Uncle Jim what is making you so sad.
Sam: Mom said I did not need a cell phone. All the other kids have a cell phone.
Me: Oh dear! It feels as if you really need a cell phone.
Sam: (now defiant as only a six-year old can be) I do. I will be the only one in my class who cannot text my friends.
Me: Goodness. It sounds like it is really important to you that you can be able to text your friends. I thought that you sometimes used you mom or dad’s phone to text.
Sam: UNCLE JIM! (Shoulders raised and lowered showing how frustrated she is with me for not understanding!) THAT IS NOT THE SAME! They check everything I do.
Me: It feels as if they do not trust you.
Sam: Yes!!
Me: I know that must be frustrating since you are so smart and make really good decisions most of the time.
Sam: Mom and dad both say that some people try to fool kids into thinking that they are nice and then they hurt people.
Me: That is true Sam. Not very often but sometimes it happens. Your parents and I would be so sad if someone tried to hurt you.
Sam: It is just because I am a girl. Paul (her 12 year old brother) has a phone.
Me: Yes and either your parents or I check it every day to see how he is using it. If there is an email or a text from someone we do not know, Paul is not allowed to have the phone for the next week or.
Sam: (Now smiling). Yes, it makes Paul very angry. I like it when he gets into trouble because he is always trying to get me into trouble.
Me: Why do you think that we take Paul’s phone away.
Sam: (sigh!) I know. It is because you love us and do not want anyone to hurt us.
Me: You really get tired of us saying that don’t you?
Sam: Well, yes!
Me: let’s get back to your original frustration. You feel as if you need to show the other kids that you are just as grown up as they are.
Sam: Yes. Their parents trust them!
Me: I know it feels like your parents and I do not trust you. It is really difficult to feel different than the other kids in school isn’t it?
Sam: Yes (sniffle).
Me: So it feels as if you need to be like the other children. What about your friend, Sue, who is in the wheelchair? She is not like the other children. Does she need to be like the other children for you to think she is a good person?
Sam: No. She cannot help it that she is in a wheelchair. I told you. She has surpy pal….
Me: Cerebral Palsy?
Sam: Yes. I can’t every remember .
Me: yes. That is hard to remember.
Sam: yes
Me: How about your friend Ahmes from Egypt. You have been really helpful to her. She is having a difficult time learning English and she has taught you some words in Arabic. She is not like the other kids and she does not have a cell phone
Sam: That is true.
Me: So I am wandering Sam, do you think that a cell phone is a want or a need.
Sam: We talked about this before didn’t we?
Me: Yes. It seems as if there are a lot of thinks which Uncle Jim wants but he does not need. Remember we talked about all those people who have to flee their country and how we can help them.
Sam: Oh yeah! We got on the computer and tried to find out what they needed. They needed clothes, food, and a place to live and to be with their family. We both decided that you, Paul, your parents, and me have those things and a bunch more. You have a lot of toys and I have all sorts of things in my house.
Sam: We went to your closet and decided we could give clothes to a lot of people.
Me: Yes, Uncle Jim did not need all those clothes. We did the same thing with yours and Paul’s clothes. Then the other day your grandparents came to bring you more clothes.
Sam: I know. I told them to give them to the other kids.
Me: Yes, you did. That was really kind of you. The clothes were really pretty but you decide other kids needed them more than you. Before the other day you might have thought you needed them. Your grandparents even brought Uncle Jim a new shirt and I told them I would feel better if we could give the shirt to the families who were fleeing.
Sam: They even said that they were going through their closets when they got home. I was glad that they understood. Even Paul said he wanted to give his new clothes away.
Me: how come we did not decide that the kids fleeing needed cell phones Sam.
Sam: Uncle Jim! If they cannot eat the will die and then they cannot call anyone. You know dead people cannot use phones! Well, maybe the ghosts of Halloween Did I tell you about my Halloween costume Uncle Jim. We are making it from things that my mom already had in the attic!
Me: That is exciting. When do I get to see it?
Sam. Not until Halloween. You will be surprised. What are you going to wear?
Me: I do not know yet. What do you think? Remember tomorrow night we are making treats to give to the trick-or-treaters.
Sam: I love doing that. I have to taste everything.
Me: Yes, we “need” a taster!
Sam; What about the cell phone Uncle Jim
Me: What do you think Sam? Is it a want or a need
Sam: I guess it is a want but I really, really want it Uncle Jim.
Me: I know you do Sam. I really appreciate that. For now do you think you can be okay without it?
Sam: I guess. Can we talk about it again Uncle Jim?
Me: Yes, of course we can Sam.
Written October 26, 2015
When I saw my adopted six-year old niece coming through the path we have created in the hedge separating my house and the she shares with her parents I assumed that she had lots of Monday homework. I often help her with her homework, especially if mom and dad are at work or one is a work and one is helping Sam’s brother, Paul, with his homework.
I did not notice she was crying until she got closer.
Me: Sam, what is the matter? Is someone at home sick or has something happened to Oscar (the family sheepdog).
Sam: (sniffling and wiping her nose on her sleeve) Nooo…
Me: Come here (I hand her a Kleenex.) and tell Uncle Jim what is making you so sad.
Sam: Mom said I did not need a cell phone. All the other kids have a cell phone.
Me: Oh dear! It feels as if you really need a cell phone.
Sam: (now defiant as only a six-year old can be) I do. I will be the only one in my class who cannot text my friends.
Me: Goodness. It sounds like it is really important to you that you can be able to text your friends. I thought that you sometimes used you mom or dad’s phone to text.
Sam: UNCLE JIM! (Shoulders raised and lowered showing how frustrated she is with me for not understanding!) THAT IS NOT THE SAME! They check everything I do.
Me: It feels as if they do not trust you.
Sam: Yes!!
Me: I know that must be frustrating since you are so smart and make really good decisions most of the time.
Sam: Mom and dad both say that some people try to fool kids into thinking that they are nice and then they hurt people.
Me: That is true Sam. Not very often but sometimes it happens. Your parents and I would be so sad if someone tried to hurt you.
Sam: It is just because I am a girl. Paul (her 12 year old brother) has a phone.
Me: Yes and either your parents or I check it every day to see how he is using it. If there is an email or a text from someone we do not know, Paul is not allowed to have the phone for the next week or.
Sam: (Now smiling). Yes, it makes Paul very angry. I like it when he gets into trouble because he is always trying to get me into trouble.
Me: Why do you think that we take Paul’s phone away.
Sam: (sigh!) I know. It is because you love us and do not want anyone to hurt us.
Me: You really get tired of us saying that don’t you?
Sam: Well, yes!
Me: let’s get back to your original frustration. You feel as if you need to show the other kids that you are just as grown up as they are.
Sam: Yes. Their parents trust them!
Me: I know it feels like your parents and I do not trust you. It is really difficult to feel different than the other kids in school isn’t it?
Sam: Yes (sniffle).
Me: So it feels as if you need to be like the other children. What about your friend, Sue, who is in the wheelchair? She is not like the other children. Does she need to be like the other children for you to think she is a good person?
Sam: No. She cannot help it that she is in a wheelchair. I told you. She has surpy pal….
Me: Cerebral Palsy?
Sam: Yes. I can’t every remember .
Me: yes. That is hard to remember.
Sam: yes
Me: How about your friend Ahmes from Egypt. You have been really helpful to her. She is having a difficult time learning English and she has taught you some words in Arabic. She is not like the other kids and she does not have a cell phone
Sam: That is true.
Me: So I am wandering Sam, do you think that a cell phone is a want or a need.
Sam: We talked about this before didn’t we?
Me: Yes. It seems as if there are a lot of thinks which Uncle Jim wants but he does not need. Remember we talked about all those people who have to flee their country and how we can help them.
Sam: Oh yeah! We got on the computer and tried to find out what they needed. They needed clothes, food, and a place to live and to be with their family. We both decided that you, Paul, your parents, and me have those things and a bunch more. You have a lot of toys and I have all sorts of things in my house.
Sam: We went to your closet and decided we could give clothes to a lot of people.
Me: Yes, Uncle Jim did not need all those clothes. We did the same thing with yours and Paul’s clothes. Then the other day your grandparents came to bring you more clothes.
Sam: I know. I told them to give them to the other kids.
Me: Yes, you did. That was really kind of you. The clothes were really pretty but you decide other kids needed them more than you. Before the other day you might have thought you needed them. Your grandparents even brought Uncle Jim a new shirt and I told them I would feel better if we could give the shirt to the families who were fleeing.
Sam: They even said that they were going through their closets when they got home. I was glad that they understood. Even Paul said he wanted to give his new clothes away.
Me: how come we did not decide that the kids fleeing needed cell phones Sam.
Sam: Uncle Jim! If they cannot eat the will die and then they cannot call anyone. You know dead people cannot use phones! Well, maybe the ghosts of Halloween Did I tell you about my Halloween costume Uncle Jim. We are making it from things that my mom already had in the attic!
Me: That is exciting. When do I get to see it?
Sam. Not until Halloween. You will be surprised. What are you going to wear?
Me: I do not know yet. What do you think? Remember tomorrow night we are making treats to give to the trick-or-treaters.
Sam: I love doing that. I have to taste everything.
Me: Yes, we “need” a taster!
Sam; What about the cell phone Uncle Jim
Me: What do you think Sam? Is it a want or a need
Sam: I guess it is a want but I really, really want it Uncle Jim.
Me: I know you do Sam. I really appreciate that. For now do you think you can be okay without it?
Sam: I guess. Can we talk about it again Uncle Jim?
Me: Yes, of course we can Sam.
Written October 26, 2015
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