In sickness and in health
Many marriage commitment ceremonies include the promise to love, honor and cherish in sickness and in health. This commitment extends to the children and the extended family members of both partners. Many may be primarily thinking in terms of life threatening physical illness. Yet, many may eventually find themselves living with a partner or another family member who has an addiction disorder, is chronically physically ill, or is mentally ill. One might find themselves expected by one’s partner, friends, or family member to have an unlimited supply of emotional, spiritual, physical, and financial resources. Taking care of a partner or other family member who is unable to give back over a long period of time may require more than one seems to have available especially in an age in which many of us live far away from extended family or even family of choice. Fortunately. when there is a condition which both fits neatly into an acceptable diagnosis and statistically is expected to persist for limited amount of time, hospice or respite care may be available. It is much more available than it was even a few years ago. Often a sickness or condition does not qualify for such help. Sadly, there is no equivalent to hospice/respite care for those who have loved ones with a chronic illness which is not considered life threatening or a predictor of the end of the journey.
Some find themselves assuming responsibility for multiple or a succession of family members . This may be due to fate or to the decision to remain living close to biological relatives while others have moved away. It may also be due to the fact that they are viewed as a person who has both an unlimited heart and a seemingly endless supply of energy; as if they have a self -refilling refrigerator. My older sister and another of my sisters seem to always “find” the time, energy, money, and other resources necessary to care for others. They seem to be saints who never appear to run out of physical or emotional energy and somehow frequently morph into Jesus as they magically feed multitudes on a minimal budget. Yet, I know they get exhausted.
Perhaps the most difficult to care for are those who are younger, who may “appear able” but who suffer from an addictive disorder or some other illness which acutely affects their ability to be independent financially, emotionally and physically. As a society we have collectively conspired to create a lexicon of terms such as co-dependent and tough love to divest ourselves as a community of the responsibility for the care of these sick family members. Sometimes “letting go and letting God” does work for some with an addictive disorder. The family member finds their “bottom” and gets the help they need. Often, however, the sick family member is unable to give themselves this gift and tough love leads to death. In my mind there are no right or wrong answers.
Perhaps the most important gift we as a community has is to extend is our unconditional love and a helping hand to those whose promise to care for partners, children, parents, aunts, uncles, grandchildren and grandparents is to offer our loving and practical support while withholding our judgments of those in whose shoes we have and will not walk.
February 21, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
Many marriage commitment ceremonies include the promise to love, honor and cherish in sickness and in health. This commitment extends to the children and the extended family members of both partners. Many may be primarily thinking in terms of life threatening physical illness. Yet, many may eventually find themselves living with a partner or another family member who has an addiction disorder, is chronically physically ill, or is mentally ill. One might find themselves expected by one’s partner, friends, or family member to have an unlimited supply of emotional, spiritual, physical, and financial resources. Taking care of a partner or other family member who is unable to give back over a long period of time may require more than one seems to have available especially in an age in which many of us live far away from extended family or even family of choice. Fortunately. when there is a condition which both fits neatly into an acceptable diagnosis and statistically is expected to persist for limited amount of time, hospice or respite care may be available. It is much more available than it was even a few years ago. Often a sickness or condition does not qualify for such help. Sadly, there is no equivalent to hospice/respite care for those who have loved ones with a chronic illness which is not considered life threatening or a predictor of the end of the journey.
Some find themselves assuming responsibility for multiple or a succession of family members . This may be due to fate or to the decision to remain living close to biological relatives while others have moved away. It may also be due to the fact that they are viewed as a person who has both an unlimited heart and a seemingly endless supply of energy; as if they have a self -refilling refrigerator. My older sister and another of my sisters seem to always “find” the time, energy, money, and other resources necessary to care for others. They seem to be saints who never appear to run out of physical or emotional energy and somehow frequently morph into Jesus as they magically feed multitudes on a minimal budget. Yet, I know they get exhausted.
Perhaps the most difficult to care for are those who are younger, who may “appear able” but who suffer from an addictive disorder or some other illness which acutely affects their ability to be independent financially, emotionally and physically. As a society we have collectively conspired to create a lexicon of terms such as co-dependent and tough love to divest ourselves as a community of the responsibility for the care of these sick family members. Sometimes “letting go and letting God” does work for some with an addictive disorder. The family member finds their “bottom” and gets the help they need. Often, however, the sick family member is unable to give themselves this gift and tough love leads to death. In my mind there are no right or wrong answers.
Perhaps the most important gift we as a community has is to extend is our unconditional love and a helping hand to those whose promise to care for partners, children, parents, aunts, uncles, grandchildren and grandparents is to offer our loving and practical support while withholding our judgments of those in whose shoes we have and will not walk.
February 21, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
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