Invisible
Today is January 20,2016. Earlier this morning, I was listening to a Ted talk by Ash Beckham which is described as one in which she “offers bold suggestions for how to stand up for your moral integrity when it isn’t convenient.” In this brief talk she describes a situation in which she, as a lesbian woman, is mistaken for a male when she takes her niece to “a meet and greet with Anna and Elsa from "Frozen." Not the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen," as this was not a Disney-sanctioned event. These two entrepreneurs had a business of running princess parties. Your kid is turning five? They'll come sing some songs, sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great. And they were not about to miss out on the opportunity that was the phenomenon and that was "Frozen."
She says that following a long wait in line, “So we get to the front of the line, and the haggard clerk turns to my niece and says, "Hi, honey. You're next! Do you want to get down, or you're going to stay on your dad's shoulders for the picture? (Laughter) And I was, for a lack of a better word, frozen. (Laughter).”
At that moment Ms. Beckham has two seeming opposing desires:
1. Protect the moment for her niece who is very excited.
2. Stand up for herself as a woman who happens to be lesbian and who happens to have her hair cut short but also is clearly a female.
As it happens, the clerk does realize her mistake and apologizes. Ms. Beckham very graciously accepts the apology and then goes on to talk about polarity versus duality. She is using the term polarity to denote having two views, thoughts or opinions which oppose each other. She is using the term duality to denote having two views, thoughts, or opinions which are “not in diametrical opposition, in simultaneous existence.” She goes on to explain, “I know Catholics who are pro-choice, and feminists who wear hijabs, and veterans who are antiwar, and NRA members who think I should be able to get married.”
Certainly most of us, if we are honest with ourselves, have what may seem to some others as views, opinions, or thoughts which seems to be in direct opposition to each other.
Often, as Ms. Beckham points out we may feel as if someone makes an incorrect assumption about us or someone else we need to advocate for us or them. For example, one may assume that all gay men are effeminate and, thus, if one is a man and more traditionally masculine then that one has to be heterosexual. One may then feel a need to correct the person. At the same time, one knows that it is important to be accepting of the humanness of all of us One may be in a situation, such as the one in which Ms. Beckham found herself, where one does not want to detract from the main event. One thus has two co-existing values. Often in that situation one has just seconds to make a decision about which value will prevail.
No matter what one decides, one may feel sad, shameful, or some other negative feeling about the value one did not publicly honor. It may seem very important that one not perceive oneself as weak, cowardly, or otherwise unwilling or unable to stand up for one’s values.
Later, I found myself wondering why it is so important to let others know what one thinks. I was sitting in Panera’s writing and several of the men and women (mostly men) were lauding the opinions of Mr. Trump, decrying the opinions of President Obama, Hilary Clinton, and other so-called liberals. They were also expressing their admiration for Mrs. Palin, the former vice-presidential candidate. It is not my habit in these situations to speak up with my opposing opinions. These are the same men and women who seem to be in favor of gun control, keeping the Muslims out of the country, and sending all illegals back to their home country, although I am not sure if this includes all the landscape or yard workers who take care of their property. Yet, there is a part of me which feels guilty about not defending the integrity of President Obama and even Mrs. Clinton. There is a part of me which feels bad for not pointing out why I think that the opinions and proposals of such folks as Mr. Trump are simplistic and would not lead to a more just and loving world. At the same time, I am convinced that if I spoke up I would end up just coming across as arrogant and as self-righteous as I perceive them to me. Another thought I have is that I do not agree with some of the opinions and actions of such people as President Obama and Mrs. Clinton. I am not always convinced that their approach is the best either.
I do think that it is important that we have serious, respectful debates about many issues which affect our lives and the lives of our children and all their children. I do know, however, that:
A public restaurant may not be the best place for such a debate.
I am not an effective debater. I am more effective in writing than I am in “thinking on my feet.”
That I could easily be heard as just wanting to let them know that they are wrong.
I do not want them thinking or telling me what an idiot I am or not thinking the way that I do. Their opinion of me matters to me.
It is not the responsibility of these men and women to validate me.
In the end, I just listen and do not offer an opposing opinion. On the other hand, I do not indicate that I agree with them. Of course, I must admit that they have not expressed any interest in my opinions.
Once again I feel very alone and invisible. Of course, they have no idea of what I am thinking or feeling. I doubt that they have given me or my possible opinions any thought. Although several of them now say hello to me and know my first name (at least one of them has read one or two of my blogs and claimed to be confused about what I was saying), they have never made any effort to include me in their conversations. Part of me assumes that they know or think that they know that my thoughts or opinions are not worth hearing.
On the surface it seems that we have nothing in common. Yet, I know from listening to them that we share many values. They care about their families and even about each other. They like good food, nice homes, and they seem to care about a lot of the same issues I care about. Their “solutions” seem to be much different than mine.
It seems as if once they accept someone into their circle they care deeply. I am not part of that circle. This is partly my choice. I choose to think differently about many issues. I put myself in such situations as many of those who seem to regularly patronize Panera’s knowing that we have many similarities and many differences. Religiously, politically, and culturally we may have many different opinions. There may be others at Panera’s who think more as I do but who assume that I am a white, middle class, conservative person. I do not know what they think.
If I am invisible to many and many are invisible to me, it is partly because I, as was the case with Ms.Beckham, put myself in situations where I am as invisible as those I “see” but do not see. Those at Panera’s, for example, who seem to exist as a polarity with me may, in fact, exist as a duality – ones with whom I have more in common than I have differences. If I am invisible to them, they are also invisible to me.
The challenge to myself is, of course, to remember this next time I am feeling invisible.
Written January 20, 2016
Today is January 20,2016. Earlier this morning, I was listening to a Ted talk by Ash Beckham which is described as one in which she “offers bold suggestions for how to stand up for your moral integrity when it isn’t convenient.” In this brief talk she describes a situation in which she, as a lesbian woman, is mistaken for a male when she takes her niece to “a meet and greet with Anna and Elsa from "Frozen." Not the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen," as this was not a Disney-sanctioned event. These two entrepreneurs had a business of running princess parties. Your kid is turning five? They'll come sing some songs, sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great. And they were not about to miss out on the opportunity that was the phenomenon and that was "Frozen."
She says that following a long wait in line, “So we get to the front of the line, and the haggard clerk turns to my niece and says, "Hi, honey. You're next! Do you want to get down, or you're going to stay on your dad's shoulders for the picture? (Laughter) And I was, for a lack of a better word, frozen. (Laughter).”
At that moment Ms. Beckham has two seeming opposing desires:
1. Protect the moment for her niece who is very excited.
2. Stand up for herself as a woman who happens to be lesbian and who happens to have her hair cut short but also is clearly a female.
As it happens, the clerk does realize her mistake and apologizes. Ms. Beckham very graciously accepts the apology and then goes on to talk about polarity versus duality. She is using the term polarity to denote having two views, thoughts or opinions which oppose each other. She is using the term duality to denote having two views, thoughts, or opinions which are “not in diametrical opposition, in simultaneous existence.” She goes on to explain, “I know Catholics who are pro-choice, and feminists who wear hijabs, and veterans who are antiwar, and NRA members who think I should be able to get married.”
Certainly most of us, if we are honest with ourselves, have what may seem to some others as views, opinions, or thoughts which seems to be in direct opposition to each other.
Often, as Ms. Beckham points out we may feel as if someone makes an incorrect assumption about us or someone else we need to advocate for us or them. For example, one may assume that all gay men are effeminate and, thus, if one is a man and more traditionally masculine then that one has to be heterosexual. One may then feel a need to correct the person. At the same time, one knows that it is important to be accepting of the humanness of all of us One may be in a situation, such as the one in which Ms. Beckham found herself, where one does not want to detract from the main event. One thus has two co-existing values. Often in that situation one has just seconds to make a decision about which value will prevail.
No matter what one decides, one may feel sad, shameful, or some other negative feeling about the value one did not publicly honor. It may seem very important that one not perceive oneself as weak, cowardly, or otherwise unwilling or unable to stand up for one’s values.
Later, I found myself wondering why it is so important to let others know what one thinks. I was sitting in Panera’s writing and several of the men and women (mostly men) were lauding the opinions of Mr. Trump, decrying the opinions of President Obama, Hilary Clinton, and other so-called liberals. They were also expressing their admiration for Mrs. Palin, the former vice-presidential candidate. It is not my habit in these situations to speak up with my opposing opinions. These are the same men and women who seem to be in favor of gun control, keeping the Muslims out of the country, and sending all illegals back to their home country, although I am not sure if this includes all the landscape or yard workers who take care of their property. Yet, there is a part of me which feels guilty about not defending the integrity of President Obama and even Mrs. Clinton. There is a part of me which feels bad for not pointing out why I think that the opinions and proposals of such folks as Mr. Trump are simplistic and would not lead to a more just and loving world. At the same time, I am convinced that if I spoke up I would end up just coming across as arrogant and as self-righteous as I perceive them to me. Another thought I have is that I do not agree with some of the opinions and actions of such people as President Obama and Mrs. Clinton. I am not always convinced that their approach is the best either.
I do think that it is important that we have serious, respectful debates about many issues which affect our lives and the lives of our children and all their children. I do know, however, that:
A public restaurant may not be the best place for such a debate.
I am not an effective debater. I am more effective in writing than I am in “thinking on my feet.”
That I could easily be heard as just wanting to let them know that they are wrong.
I do not want them thinking or telling me what an idiot I am or not thinking the way that I do. Their opinion of me matters to me.
It is not the responsibility of these men and women to validate me.
In the end, I just listen and do not offer an opposing opinion. On the other hand, I do not indicate that I agree with them. Of course, I must admit that they have not expressed any interest in my opinions.
Once again I feel very alone and invisible. Of course, they have no idea of what I am thinking or feeling. I doubt that they have given me or my possible opinions any thought. Although several of them now say hello to me and know my first name (at least one of them has read one or two of my blogs and claimed to be confused about what I was saying), they have never made any effort to include me in their conversations. Part of me assumes that they know or think that they know that my thoughts or opinions are not worth hearing.
On the surface it seems that we have nothing in common. Yet, I know from listening to them that we share many values. They care about their families and even about each other. They like good food, nice homes, and they seem to care about a lot of the same issues I care about. Their “solutions” seem to be much different than mine.
It seems as if once they accept someone into their circle they care deeply. I am not part of that circle. This is partly my choice. I choose to think differently about many issues. I put myself in such situations as many of those who seem to regularly patronize Panera’s knowing that we have many similarities and many differences. Religiously, politically, and culturally we may have many different opinions. There may be others at Panera’s who think more as I do but who assume that I am a white, middle class, conservative person. I do not know what they think.
If I am invisible to many and many are invisible to me, it is partly because I, as was the case with Ms.Beckham, put myself in situations where I am as invisible as those I “see” but do not see. Those at Panera’s, for example, who seem to exist as a polarity with me may, in fact, exist as a duality – ones with whom I have more in common than I have differences. If I am invisible to them, they are also invisible to me.
The challenge to myself is, of course, to remember this next time I am feeling invisible.
Written January 20, 2016
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