It is not about me
Perhaps one of the most difficult emotional and spiritual truth to accept is that the behavior of others, no matter how personally directed, is not about me. It is clearly true that the behavior of others can be directed at me and can have very negative results. Yet, at the same time, I cannot cause the other person to behave a certain way. Naturally, I must take responsibility for my decisions to act in a way which is designed to elicit a response from another person. If I, for example, treat someone unkindly by, for example, deliberately pushing one of their emotional buttons, one can accurately predict that the person will react in a negative manner towards me. While I did not cause them to behave in the way they did, I was intentional about attempting to force a reaction from them. I knew this before I decided to push that button. I can then react to their reaction and then they can…. Most of us know this dance all too well. Once that dynamic is set in motions it is often very difficult to stop it. I can apologize and refused to react in a negative manner to anything they say. They can certainly feel justified in reacting to my attempt to open their wound.
Occasionally, one will encounter that person who is determined not to give anyone the power over their actions. I have a friend who is extremely spiritually centered; who is determined to respond even to the person who attempts to rob and possibly hurt her with love. She has had the experience of being able to do that and, as a result, having the potential robber apologize and back off. Her commitment to her spiritual principles is to respond with love to every person she encounters; to not give anyone or anything the power to change her response. I know that most of us are not yet that spiritually or emotionally evolved. I am not.
A friend of mine told me yesterday that the woman with whom I thought he had a solid relationship had violated their commitment. He ended the relationship. He understood that her behavior was not about him but he decided he was not willing to tolerate this breach of trust. He could still decide to forgive her, suggest that they go to counseling or decide to take some other action short of ending the relationship. Her behavior did not cause him to behave the way that he did although she may have known that once she crossed this line there was no hope for the relationship. Another friend called this morning to tell he me felt like initiating some vindictive behavior in response to the behavior of the woman he had been dating. Once again, he has a choice of how he responds to her behavior. He can be judgmental. He can understand and accept that she has emotional issues. He can accept that he intentionally chose her to date her because he did not want to deal with the emotional issues he already had.
My goal in relationships – professional, casual, personal life outside of work – is to:
Of course, we are all a work in progress. Unlike my friend D, I have “miles to go” before I can quit reacting to the behavior of others as if that behavior is about me. My goal is to move forward in loving unconditionally no matter how others behave. I am not there yet, but I am today more able to accept responsibility for my own behavior and not blame others.
Written December 19, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Perhaps one of the most difficult emotional and spiritual truth to accept is that the behavior of others, no matter how personally directed, is not about me. It is clearly true that the behavior of others can be directed at me and can have very negative results. Yet, at the same time, I cannot cause the other person to behave a certain way. Naturally, I must take responsibility for my decisions to act in a way which is designed to elicit a response from another person. If I, for example, treat someone unkindly by, for example, deliberately pushing one of their emotional buttons, one can accurately predict that the person will react in a negative manner towards me. While I did not cause them to behave in the way they did, I was intentional about attempting to force a reaction from them. I knew this before I decided to push that button. I can then react to their reaction and then they can…. Most of us know this dance all too well. Once that dynamic is set in motions it is often very difficult to stop it. I can apologize and refused to react in a negative manner to anything they say. They can certainly feel justified in reacting to my attempt to open their wound.
Occasionally, one will encounter that person who is determined not to give anyone the power over their actions. I have a friend who is extremely spiritually centered; who is determined to respond even to the person who attempts to rob and possibly hurt her with love. She has had the experience of being able to do that and, as a result, having the potential robber apologize and back off. Her commitment to her spiritual principles is to respond with love to every person she encounters; to not give anyone or anything the power to change her response. I know that most of us are not yet that spiritually or emotionally evolved. I am not.
A friend of mine told me yesterday that the woman with whom I thought he had a solid relationship had violated their commitment. He ended the relationship. He understood that her behavior was not about him but he decided he was not willing to tolerate this breach of trust. He could still decide to forgive her, suggest that they go to counseling or decide to take some other action short of ending the relationship. Her behavior did not cause him to behave the way that he did although she may have known that once she crossed this line there was no hope for the relationship. Another friend called this morning to tell he me felt like initiating some vindictive behavior in response to the behavior of the woman he had been dating. Once again, he has a choice of how he responds to her behavior. He can be judgmental. He can understand and accept that she has emotional issues. He can accept that he intentionally chose her to date her because he did not want to deal with the emotional issues he already had.
My goal in relationships – professional, casual, personal life outside of work – is to:
- Take responsibility for the actions I do (deliberately or accidentally) which might be very hurtful to another person.
- Do all I can to hold on to my core value system which includes the beliefs that I am never in a position to judge other person and I do not want to give others the power cause me to respond in a way which violates the golden rule.
Of course, we are all a work in progress. Unlike my friend D, I have “miles to go” before I can quit reacting to the behavior of others as if that behavior is about me. My goal is to move forward in loving unconditionally no matter how others behave. I am not there yet, but I am today more able to accept responsibility for my own behavior and not blame others.
Written December 19, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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