Judging the Judgmental
I have long known that I am somewhat anxious when I hear someone judging another person or group. Some years ago, I figured out what now seems to be obvious. I am fearful that others will know that I am far from perfect and will find some reason to judge me. Yet, I have long placed myself in the position of publicly stating opinions on controversial topics and, thus, opening myself to the criticism of others. There is very little that folks do not know about me or cannot find out about me. My mistakes are often very public and well within the knowledge of the average person.
I suppose that I could “brag” that I have never killed anyone by driving drunk or losing my temper. In fact, I have never hit anyone. Yet, I have often done things which were directly or indirectly hurtful to others. I recall in the midst of my divorce losing contact with some people who had been very important to me and then feeling too ashamed to try to reconnect with them later. Although I was still very young, I knew better. Another time I raised a tiny bit of money for a worthwhile cause, held on to it until it was a larger amount and eventually spent it. I think it was all of $16.00. I could go on and on about these lapses in judgments or getting so self-centered that I ignored the needs of others. I could also create a long list of the times that I have been distracted while driving and nearly caused an accident or the time when I felt like hitting someone but managed – just barely – to avoid doing so.
One of my most “frequent sins” is noticing myself judging the person who I perceive to be judgmental. How is this possible one might reasonably ask? If I am aware of how hurtful judging others can be and how close to home this often feels, why would I judge another? Just yesterday, I got an email which had been sent to several people. In this email the person was being very critical of a group of people. I know the person who sent the email, and I often experience him as being negative and critical of others. He does this in a way which I often hear or experience as unkind. In fact, I have been the recipient of his sharp and judgmental tongue on more than one occasion. I “know’ that we humans basically believe that it is not enough to just be our human selves and are always looking for some way to boost our worth. We may do this by trying to convince others that we are stronger (the bully), better than, more spiritual than, smarter than, better looking than, more able to achieve material success than, able to dress better than, or any of the myriad of ways we can try to be enough by being more than something or someone else. Being right and thus asserting that someone else is wrong is another way that we try to puff out our chest to be enough. So, I know that this brilliant attorney has a need to feel good about himself and it comes naturally to him to use his sharp intellect to put others down or to best them in an argument. The most logical response to his man’s basic need to be loved and respected is to love him. His style of trying to be enough may be different than mine, but the fact that he tries to prove himself is not something which is foreign to me. I know well what it feels like to feel ignored, not appreciated, ashamed of being poor as a child, not feeling as intellectually smart as, not as tall as, not as smooth talking, or not as adept as sports, small talk or any number of other talents. I have no musical talent and no way of standing out in a crowd. Yet, I know, at some level, my feelings of not being enough are shared by this other man and by all humans. Just as I need reassurance that I am enough, this man I perceive to be judgmental needs to be loved. If I respond to his style of trying to be enough, it is no different than responding to some other exterior difference or some other costume! I am being as shallow and narrow minded as the person who I am criticizing.
A Catholic priest friend of mine recently wrote to me of Pope Francis’ actions, “if we are all in love with Christ and lovers in Christ, what is the harm of a little conversation about the real situations in which we live? Jesus himself never seemed to mind?”
It seems to me that no matter whether I am studying Plato or Jesus or the Buddha or another teacher I admire, one of the things they all seem to agree on is that spiritual growth takes enormous courage; the courage to face ourselves as we are; the courage to see ourselves in others and others in ourselves.
Thus, perhaps I have made a tiny step in my spiritual goal of honesty. I am a long way from going an hour or a day without labeling or judging another. I will, however, continue to lovingly notice when “the pot is calling the kettle black”. I will open my heart to both myself and the person I was initially seeing as different/less than myself.
I suspect that, as I know my friend, Dr. Johnen, would recommend, it would be helpful to laugh a little and not take my own illogical or contradictory behavior so seriously. The ability to laugh at ourselves or with each other might be a good starting point towards a more peaceful world. It certainly would be a good starting point to accepting my own humanness.
I have long known that I am somewhat anxious when I hear someone judging another person or group. Some years ago, I figured out what now seems to be obvious. I am fearful that others will know that I am far from perfect and will find some reason to judge me. Yet, I have long placed myself in the position of publicly stating opinions on controversial topics and, thus, opening myself to the criticism of others. There is very little that folks do not know about me or cannot find out about me. My mistakes are often very public and well within the knowledge of the average person.
I suppose that I could “brag” that I have never killed anyone by driving drunk or losing my temper. In fact, I have never hit anyone. Yet, I have often done things which were directly or indirectly hurtful to others. I recall in the midst of my divorce losing contact with some people who had been very important to me and then feeling too ashamed to try to reconnect with them later. Although I was still very young, I knew better. Another time I raised a tiny bit of money for a worthwhile cause, held on to it until it was a larger amount and eventually spent it. I think it was all of $16.00. I could go on and on about these lapses in judgments or getting so self-centered that I ignored the needs of others. I could also create a long list of the times that I have been distracted while driving and nearly caused an accident or the time when I felt like hitting someone but managed – just barely – to avoid doing so.
One of my most “frequent sins” is noticing myself judging the person who I perceive to be judgmental. How is this possible one might reasonably ask? If I am aware of how hurtful judging others can be and how close to home this often feels, why would I judge another? Just yesterday, I got an email which had been sent to several people. In this email the person was being very critical of a group of people. I know the person who sent the email, and I often experience him as being negative and critical of others. He does this in a way which I often hear or experience as unkind. In fact, I have been the recipient of his sharp and judgmental tongue on more than one occasion. I “know’ that we humans basically believe that it is not enough to just be our human selves and are always looking for some way to boost our worth. We may do this by trying to convince others that we are stronger (the bully), better than, more spiritual than, smarter than, better looking than, more able to achieve material success than, able to dress better than, or any of the myriad of ways we can try to be enough by being more than something or someone else. Being right and thus asserting that someone else is wrong is another way that we try to puff out our chest to be enough. So, I know that this brilliant attorney has a need to feel good about himself and it comes naturally to him to use his sharp intellect to put others down or to best them in an argument. The most logical response to his man’s basic need to be loved and respected is to love him. His style of trying to be enough may be different than mine, but the fact that he tries to prove himself is not something which is foreign to me. I know well what it feels like to feel ignored, not appreciated, ashamed of being poor as a child, not feeling as intellectually smart as, not as tall as, not as smooth talking, or not as adept as sports, small talk or any number of other talents. I have no musical talent and no way of standing out in a crowd. Yet, I know, at some level, my feelings of not being enough are shared by this other man and by all humans. Just as I need reassurance that I am enough, this man I perceive to be judgmental needs to be loved. If I respond to his style of trying to be enough, it is no different than responding to some other exterior difference or some other costume! I am being as shallow and narrow minded as the person who I am criticizing.
A Catholic priest friend of mine recently wrote to me of Pope Francis’ actions, “if we are all in love with Christ and lovers in Christ, what is the harm of a little conversation about the real situations in which we live? Jesus himself never seemed to mind?”
It seems to me that no matter whether I am studying Plato or Jesus or the Buddha or another teacher I admire, one of the things they all seem to agree on is that spiritual growth takes enormous courage; the courage to face ourselves as we are; the courage to see ourselves in others and others in ourselves.
Thus, perhaps I have made a tiny step in my spiritual goal of honesty. I am a long way from going an hour or a day without labeling or judging another. I will, however, continue to lovingly notice when “the pot is calling the kettle black”. I will open my heart to both myself and the person I was initially seeing as different/less than myself.
I suspect that, as I know my friend, Dr. Johnen, would recommend, it would be helpful to laugh a little and not take my own illogical or contradictory behavior so seriously. The ability to laugh at ourselves or with each other might be a good starting point towards a more peaceful world. It certainly would be a good starting point to accepting my own humanness.
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