Just notice
It is easy and convenient to blame others when a passionate disagreement occurs. It is also easy to blame and be angry at oneself. Often, someone says or does something which triggers an automatic response. As we know, automatic responses occur when we have repeatedly practiced a thought process or behavior. Automatic responses can also occur when the memory of a traumatic event or experiences is triggered. A loud noise can trigger the memory of artillery or other war related sounds for someone who has returned from a war zone. There may be myriad experiences associated with combat or other history of trauma including death or serious injury of self, friends or others. Thoughts of those losses may then trigger memories of other losses. Colors, sounds, shapes, smells, tastes and other memories may be associated with those losses. Some of these memories may be extremely sad and others may be happy. Depending on the emotional content and strength of these memories one may find oneself reacting with intense fear, joy, anger or some combination of emotions. One may even react defensively.
Daily, I hear from individuals or read about individuals who blame another person or situation for their unkind or even violent response. Daily I listen to myself blaming or about to blame another person, event or object for my response. My goal is to realize that I am making a choice of how to respond or I am accessing a habit. Habits can activate muscle memory so one is not consciously aware of making a choice.
For example, a minute ago a client sent me a threatening text message. This person has a history of being violent even though the story he tells himself is that he is never violent. My first thought was to tell him to stop sending me threatening messages. My second thought was to not respond. I know this person’s anger is related to fear. I also know that he has long practiced responding to fear with bullying anger accompanied by throwing objects or otherwise threatening harm. Responding to his anger with anger is likely to feed it resulting in more acute threats. Even responding to his anger with an acknowledgement of the pain or fear underlying the anger is likely to feed his pain and resulting anger. I know this but it is difficult for me to not allow his behavior to trigger my fear and resulting anger. I know the most effective response is to either say nothing or to respond with a soft, loving voice. The other person is not responsible for my response. He or she cannot cause me to respond in a certain way.
Although this may sound like a simple lesson, it is, in fact, a very difficult one for most of us. My spiritual teacher suggests the follow practices or steps:
· Breathe before responding to any situation. Focus on breath until one can make a conscious choice of how one wants to respond.
· Do not label the behavior of the other person. My teacher says, “Drop the dualities. Do not label the person or event as good, bad, right or wrong.”
· Consider the possibility that all unkind or hurtful behavior arises out of pain.
· Think about what response feels helpful when you are in pain. Do you just need loving space to breathe, some physical distance, or the quiet presence of another.
Sometimes no matter how one responds the other person will experience one as a threat. If at all possible, continue to lovingly refuse to accept the invitation to the angry and or judgment space.
The goal is to begin to take one’s power back; to not give others the power to trigger a response which is inconsistent with one’s spiritual goals and values. One will find that like all lessons this is a process. One might not start breathing or remember to breathe until one is notices one’s own anger or bully behavior. The goal is to just notice and not judge oneself.
Judging oneself merely feeds the habit. If one notices oneself judging oneself the goal is to just notice and not judge oneself for being judgmental. When changing behavior, at whatever point one is aware of one’s response, the goal is to non-judgmentally notice; to drop the dualities/labeling and breathe. This may feel very unnatural as does all new behavior. With practice it will feel “very natural”.
Written August 3, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
It is easy and convenient to blame others when a passionate disagreement occurs. It is also easy to blame and be angry at oneself. Often, someone says or does something which triggers an automatic response. As we know, automatic responses occur when we have repeatedly practiced a thought process or behavior. Automatic responses can also occur when the memory of a traumatic event or experiences is triggered. A loud noise can trigger the memory of artillery or other war related sounds for someone who has returned from a war zone. There may be myriad experiences associated with combat or other history of trauma including death or serious injury of self, friends or others. Thoughts of those losses may then trigger memories of other losses. Colors, sounds, shapes, smells, tastes and other memories may be associated with those losses. Some of these memories may be extremely sad and others may be happy. Depending on the emotional content and strength of these memories one may find oneself reacting with intense fear, joy, anger or some combination of emotions. One may even react defensively.
Daily, I hear from individuals or read about individuals who blame another person or situation for their unkind or even violent response. Daily I listen to myself blaming or about to blame another person, event or object for my response. My goal is to realize that I am making a choice of how to respond or I am accessing a habit. Habits can activate muscle memory so one is not consciously aware of making a choice.
For example, a minute ago a client sent me a threatening text message. This person has a history of being violent even though the story he tells himself is that he is never violent. My first thought was to tell him to stop sending me threatening messages. My second thought was to not respond. I know this person’s anger is related to fear. I also know that he has long practiced responding to fear with bullying anger accompanied by throwing objects or otherwise threatening harm. Responding to his anger with anger is likely to feed it resulting in more acute threats. Even responding to his anger with an acknowledgement of the pain or fear underlying the anger is likely to feed his pain and resulting anger. I know this but it is difficult for me to not allow his behavior to trigger my fear and resulting anger. I know the most effective response is to either say nothing or to respond with a soft, loving voice. The other person is not responsible for my response. He or she cannot cause me to respond in a certain way.
Although this may sound like a simple lesson, it is, in fact, a very difficult one for most of us. My spiritual teacher suggests the follow practices or steps:
· Breathe before responding to any situation. Focus on breath until one can make a conscious choice of how one wants to respond.
· Do not label the behavior of the other person. My teacher says, “Drop the dualities. Do not label the person or event as good, bad, right or wrong.”
· Consider the possibility that all unkind or hurtful behavior arises out of pain.
· Think about what response feels helpful when you are in pain. Do you just need loving space to breathe, some physical distance, or the quiet presence of another.
Sometimes no matter how one responds the other person will experience one as a threat. If at all possible, continue to lovingly refuse to accept the invitation to the angry and or judgment space.
The goal is to begin to take one’s power back; to not give others the power to trigger a response which is inconsistent with one’s spiritual goals and values. One will find that like all lessons this is a process. One might not start breathing or remember to breathe until one is notices one’s own anger or bully behavior. The goal is to just notice and not judge oneself.
Judging oneself merely feeds the habit. If one notices oneself judging oneself the goal is to just notice and not judge oneself for being judgmental. When changing behavior, at whatever point one is aware of one’s response, the goal is to non-judgmentally notice; to drop the dualities/labeling and breathe. This may feel very unnatural as does all new behavior. With practice it will feel “very natural”.
Written August 3, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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