Just tell me the truth
I recall, as a child, our mother would often say to me and my siblings, “Just tell me the truth. You know how much I hate lying.”
I have since learned, of course, that this statement is included the in the standard parent handbook which is secreted in a mother’s brain until the moment that they give birth. This handbook is standard equipment which may be part of the genetic code which also ensures the development of the fetus. Research scientists have had a difficult verifying whether in fact this is the case since so much of the active parenting is done by the mother. Yet, even when dad is the primary parent I have yet to hear a dad make this statement. Dad is more likely to announce the punishment for lying without any attempt to justify the ensuing punishment by an admission by the offending child.
Personally, I am not sure about my siblings, but I knew that our mother was herself lying. If one admitted to lying or being the victim of the truth taking on an elastic quality totally unassisted by oneself, one quickly heard, “Why did you lie? You knew that would make me more angry.” I was not dumb enough to announce the truth which was, “I lied because I knew you would become a crazy, angry person if I told you the truth. The real question is what would make you think that I was dumb enough to tell you the truth. What do you think should be your punishment for lying to me?” No, I did not say any of that. I told another lie. “I don’t know.” Of course I knew why I lied and surely she did also.
I did have lapses when I would sometimes blurt out the truth. Once I said to my mother who was pregnant with my youngest siblings, “Why do you care if the baby lives. You are always complaining about how poor we are and how much we children make you unhappy.” This was, in the words of former Vice President Gore, “An inconvenient truth.” Current politicians who find climate change inconvenient cannot hold a candle to my now deceased mother (or any other mother) regarding inconvenient truths. “How dare you talk back to your mother. You are asking for it now.” (That response was on page 17 of the parent handbook. I once peaked and then lied about it.)
Actually, I knew better than to fall into the trap of responding honestly to any why question. “Why didn’t you do your chores?
“Truthfully, because I think that they are dumb and I did not feel like. Besides you get angry whether I do them or not.”
Thus, begins our education in learning to be future politicians, parents and spouses. We even learn to believe our own lies. Mother is replaced by our spouse, bosses, boyfriends, girlfriends and teachers. All insist that they want to truth. Yet, we know that the truth is they want a lie. Yet, time after time, we slip and fall into the trap of telling the truth. Almost without fail, it was the wrong thing to do. The other person wanted what our mother wanted which was a lie which is more artfully told than her lie.
The other day client said to me, “What I told you happened did not happen. I lied.” I said, “Okay.” He went on to tell me why he lied which, of course, I could have easily guessed. We talked about the fact that we humans do get fearful of telling the truth because, truth be told, telling the truth will often lead to punishment. Seldom is truth telling rewarded. The one exception is in the context of the 12 step recovery program. Those who engage with this program frequently are told, “ We are only as sick as our secrets.” The reason for this statement is that we frequently believe that our secrets make us bad human beings and that we are worse than many or most other people and will keep people from respecting and loving us. Living with shame is very stressful and will frequently lead to so much stress that a person with an addictive disorder will return to using to numb the pain of shame. Invariably what the person with the secret finds out is that the person with whom they share the secret yawn and ask if that is all there is. The person – frequently a sponsor in the 12-step program – knows that we are all human and we have all engaged in behavior of which we are not proud. Recovering addicts also know that addiction is so powerful that one will do almost anything to get that next drink, other drugs, money, a sexual high or whatever one’s drug of choice. The 12-step program also makes it clear that it is not always good to tell the truth to everyone. It might cause unnecessary harm to others. It is important to tell the truth to one and one other trusted person.
I am not suggesting that we teach our children to lie. I am suggesting that if we think honesty is important most of the time, we should model that example. I am also suggesting that the issue often is not whether or not we are lying but our relationship with fear. If fear is going to make our decisions we are going to become very untrustworthy people. On the other hand there might be times when the fear is giving one accurate information. It might not be advisable or safe to tell the truth. In the case of the young man with whom I was talking telling the truth allowed him to let go of much of the shame and to learn that I already knew he was as human as I. In the future he is more likely to face his fear.
As for we parents and we health care professionals, we need to decide if we want to make it safe for our children and our patients/clients to tell us the truth. Lying to them about lying is, perhaps, not helpful nor is it a secret that we are lying about the fact that it is safe to tell the truth.
Perhaps we could do some serious editing in the parent handbook!
Written August 5, 2017
I recall, as a child, our mother would often say to me and my siblings, “Just tell me the truth. You know how much I hate lying.”
I have since learned, of course, that this statement is included the in the standard parent handbook which is secreted in a mother’s brain until the moment that they give birth. This handbook is standard equipment which may be part of the genetic code which also ensures the development of the fetus. Research scientists have had a difficult verifying whether in fact this is the case since so much of the active parenting is done by the mother. Yet, even when dad is the primary parent I have yet to hear a dad make this statement. Dad is more likely to announce the punishment for lying without any attempt to justify the ensuing punishment by an admission by the offending child.
Personally, I am not sure about my siblings, but I knew that our mother was herself lying. If one admitted to lying or being the victim of the truth taking on an elastic quality totally unassisted by oneself, one quickly heard, “Why did you lie? You knew that would make me more angry.” I was not dumb enough to announce the truth which was, “I lied because I knew you would become a crazy, angry person if I told you the truth. The real question is what would make you think that I was dumb enough to tell you the truth. What do you think should be your punishment for lying to me?” No, I did not say any of that. I told another lie. “I don’t know.” Of course I knew why I lied and surely she did also.
I did have lapses when I would sometimes blurt out the truth. Once I said to my mother who was pregnant with my youngest siblings, “Why do you care if the baby lives. You are always complaining about how poor we are and how much we children make you unhappy.” This was, in the words of former Vice President Gore, “An inconvenient truth.” Current politicians who find climate change inconvenient cannot hold a candle to my now deceased mother (or any other mother) regarding inconvenient truths. “How dare you talk back to your mother. You are asking for it now.” (That response was on page 17 of the parent handbook. I once peaked and then lied about it.)
Actually, I knew better than to fall into the trap of responding honestly to any why question. “Why didn’t you do your chores?
“Truthfully, because I think that they are dumb and I did not feel like. Besides you get angry whether I do them or not.”
Thus, begins our education in learning to be future politicians, parents and spouses. We even learn to believe our own lies. Mother is replaced by our spouse, bosses, boyfriends, girlfriends and teachers. All insist that they want to truth. Yet, we know that the truth is they want a lie. Yet, time after time, we slip and fall into the trap of telling the truth. Almost without fail, it was the wrong thing to do. The other person wanted what our mother wanted which was a lie which is more artfully told than her lie.
The other day client said to me, “What I told you happened did not happen. I lied.” I said, “Okay.” He went on to tell me why he lied which, of course, I could have easily guessed. We talked about the fact that we humans do get fearful of telling the truth because, truth be told, telling the truth will often lead to punishment. Seldom is truth telling rewarded. The one exception is in the context of the 12 step recovery program. Those who engage with this program frequently are told, “ We are only as sick as our secrets.” The reason for this statement is that we frequently believe that our secrets make us bad human beings and that we are worse than many or most other people and will keep people from respecting and loving us. Living with shame is very stressful and will frequently lead to so much stress that a person with an addictive disorder will return to using to numb the pain of shame. Invariably what the person with the secret finds out is that the person with whom they share the secret yawn and ask if that is all there is. The person – frequently a sponsor in the 12-step program – knows that we are all human and we have all engaged in behavior of which we are not proud. Recovering addicts also know that addiction is so powerful that one will do almost anything to get that next drink, other drugs, money, a sexual high or whatever one’s drug of choice. The 12-step program also makes it clear that it is not always good to tell the truth to everyone. It might cause unnecessary harm to others. It is important to tell the truth to one and one other trusted person.
I am not suggesting that we teach our children to lie. I am suggesting that if we think honesty is important most of the time, we should model that example. I am also suggesting that the issue often is not whether or not we are lying but our relationship with fear. If fear is going to make our decisions we are going to become very untrustworthy people. On the other hand there might be times when the fear is giving one accurate information. It might not be advisable or safe to tell the truth. In the case of the young man with whom I was talking telling the truth allowed him to let go of much of the shame and to learn that I already knew he was as human as I. In the future he is more likely to face his fear.
As for we parents and we health care professionals, we need to decide if we want to make it safe for our children and our patients/clients to tell us the truth. Lying to them about lying is, perhaps, not helpful nor is it a secret that we are lying about the fact that it is safe to tell the truth.
Perhaps we could do some serious editing in the parent handbook!
Written August 5, 2017
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